A Father Within

My family and I were always really close, nothing could come between us. We called ourselves the fantastic four. My dad Ed, hard working, brave, and always loved being with our family. My mother Linda, independent, responsible, nurturing and also loved spending time with our family. My younger brother Milo, adventurous, daring, and optimistic about everything even if the situation seemed terrible at the time, but lastly he loved being around and spending time with us together as a family. Mae, I , the older sister, caring, loving, spontaneous and love spending time with my family as well.

   We would always go on family vacations, trips, walks, runs, you named it ,we did it, together. That was until that horrible day that I can vividly remember May 28, 1999. It was a Friday, Summer had just begun, the sun was out, the kids in the neighborhood were outside playing  and my mom, brother and I were inside packed and ready to go on our next adventure. We were just waiting for my dad to get home from work so we can go. My dad always called to let us know if he was going to be late or if  there was a lot of traffic or if he was going to stop by somewhere. This time he didn’t, after many minutes of him not arriving on time or calling we got worried and mom tried to call him, but he didn’t answer. Soon those minutes turned into hours, the moon had arisen and the bright sun disappeared . My mother was crying upstairs not knowing what to do, my brother and I sitting and looking out the window on the verge of  tears,with hope that our dad was coming and everything was fine. The street was dark so every little light could be seen. Soon after my brother and I see bright car lights. We scream “mom, mom, dad’s home!!”. As the car gets closer we realize that it’s a cop car, then it turns into our driveway and two police officers get out. Bracing ourselves behind the door seeing them come up the stairs, my brother and I look at each other and he says “Is it about dad, is everything oka-”. “Knock knock” before my brother could even finish his sentence the police officers had knocked on the door. My mother opens it, the officers ask “Mrs. Evans?” my mom replies with a weak voice “Yes?”, the officers follow with a “We would like to inform you of your husband, Ed Evans. He was in a fatal crash earlier today. When the medical professional arrived he was pronounced dead, with further investigation we came to a conclusion that he died within 30 seconds of his car crashing.” We all burst into tears, my mother fell to the ground, screaming “why?! Why to me?! My kids?! My family?!!”. With all of us in shock and confusion we asked them “where did he die?! When did he die?!What happened to him?!” Before we knew it we were in the car on our way to the scene.

       We arrived but weren't able to get close. There was yellow caution tape blocking the perimeter. From a distance we can see my dads can broken in half, with a tree on the floor and with the drivers and passengers side smashed against the railing with a yellow blanket covering the drivers side. Still in disbelief my mom asks the police women their “ What happened ?! please! This is my husband!!” The woman officer says “With the evidence we were able to gather your husband came down this abandoned road to avoid traffic when he lost control hitting a tree, knocking it down and flipping 3 times landing upside down.” After this incident we held a funeral a week later. Time went on seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours, hours to days, to weeks, months and years. My brother and I were still close, but mother stopped being there. We never did anything together as a family. The only time we saw mom was when she was getting ready to leave for work, go out with friends or sometimes she wouldn’t even say where she was going, but went all dressed up. It’s now 2003 and it’s been 4 years since my father passed and now my mom is around more. She only goes out with her friend, she spends more time with my brother and I and we are really happy. But something still doesn’t feel right, she seems very happy, but not with us. My brother and I would always talk about “What if mom is with someone else?!”  But she couldn’t because my brother and I will never call him our father, we have one dad and one mom. Soon that would all change, my dad's death anniversary was coming up and every year my mom would try to avoid speaking about it, but at night I would hear her cry. This year she didn't, she had plans for us to eat dinner together, which I thought was her finally accepting that we are still together as a family. Yes, dad may be gone, but, that doesn’t mean he’s not a part of the family anymore, or that we don’t love him or miss him.

   Soon May 28 krept up. Mom was dressed and the dinner table was set, but something didn’t feel right, she set up my dad's chair! We had never set up my dad’s chair or even sat on it. Every time we would eat, we would sit in all of them except for his. Did my mom invite her friend over? Is grandma or grandpa coming? My mind filled with the same thoughts over and over and over again. I would never imagine the real reason she set dad’s spot up. Dinner was served with dad’s chair still empty. I thought to myself “Maybe she's doing that to keep his memory alive and imagine him there with us.” Then the doorbell rang “Ding-Dong”. Mom rushed to the door and I couldn’t believe it! There it was my mom wasn’t setting the table for my family or dad, she wasn’t just there for us all of a sudden, she didn’t have dinner for dad just because she felt ready. I couldn’t believe it. All those nights with her gone, her sneaking out looking fancy was to go with-with that person! Who we didn’t even know! A man walked through the door with flowers in his hand and gave my mom a hug and a kiss. I was mad red with envy, how could my mom do this! I HATED HER! I never wanted to see her or his face ever again. My brother and I looked at each other with a surprised look. Did my mom really think we were going to let this monster in our life and call him dad ?!?!?!?! Before I knew it he was at the table, in my dad’s seat. I looked at my mom and said “ How could you do this, I never want to see your face ever again!” I stormed off to my room only to hear my mother say “ Mi-” to be interrupted by my brother saying “ME TOO!” My brother and I were both in my room crying rivers and thinking about how our mother, our blood could do this to us knowing how much it would hurt us and instead put herself first for her selfish self!! My brother and I didn’t go down at all for the rest of the night. Once mom's boyfriend left she came up to my room and knocked on the door while saying “are you guys okay?”.  I didn't answer her but I wanted to scream “No, I hate you!”. As the days went on her boyfriend started coming on the weekends and before I knew it we were having dinner with each other as a “Family”. I never talked to him, I never looked at him, I never wanted him in my life. Jimmy, my mom’s boyfriend, always tried talking to me; he would try to talk about school, sports, singers, and basically anything to get my lips moving. 

    At this point my dad’s 6 year death anniversary was approaching rather quickly. For once, I was not looking forward to it because I knew mom would want another dinner together. But I was ready, ready to sit at the table, eat my food in silence and let them know they were not going to hurt me. May 28 rolled around. Here I am sitting in my chair waiting for my mom's boyfriend to walk through the door and sit in front of me, and he did. We continued to eat dinner, my brother and I were as, my mom talking having a blast, with her boyfriend. Dinner is about to end and Jimmy says “hey Mae?”. I ignored him and waited about 5 second before looking at him. I’m looking at him dead in the eyes. He starts to get nervous but continues to tell me, “ I know things have been hard for and you probably don’t want me in your life. But all I am asking is for you to give me a chance, not to be your father but someone to be there for you in life.” My immediate thought was “NO!” but I could see out of the corner of my eye when I saw my mom. She’s looking at me with her eyes full of tears. I then began to think to myself “ am I right, am I wrong? No! She's wrong for bridging him here.” I then realize I am doing what my mom did. Being selfish, I didn’t want my mom to be sad and I didn’t want my brother to not have a father figure, so I said “yes”. Time went on, we continued to have more dinners, jimmy came over A LOT more, we always went to the movies, and Milo and Jimmy played soccer almost every day. I soon realized a father is many. A father can be with in anything, a friend, an aunt or uncle, a mom, a grandparent, anything. A father is someone who cares for you, listens to you, lifts you up when you're sad, a father was Jimmy.