Did Jesus Eat Bacon For Christmas?

A bombshell revelation from the man formerly known as Jesus. It took many years, but he has reinvented himself- yet again. Josh, as he is known today, has a worldwide base of followers who call themselves Joshers. Few others can say they have two million followers. Josh the influencer. Josh the activist. Josh the criminal. Josh the great polarizing figure. Exactly who is Josh? 

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Clara Carlyle: Good to see you. 

Josh Christmas: Thank you for having me. Hey everyone out there. 

CC: I thought we'd start with you introducing yourself. 

JC: Of course. Who am I? Well, I am a problem solver and a leader. I can walk on water, feed the hungry and cure the sick. I am the son of God! I know the truth! Someone once compared me with oysters, you either love them or hate them. Do you like oysters? 

CC: Yes, well people seem to love you. I want to remind our readers that this interview was done with zero conditions in place, nothing is off the table.

This time of year, you must be very busy, Josh. Can you tell us a little about your relationship with Christmas?

JC: Sure. I recently asked my disciples on Twitter, what does Christmas mean to you? The top five answers were: a day off from work, gifts/presents, being with family, good food, and snow; mostly commercialism type of answers. 

CC: I see. And what does Christmas mean to you? 

JC: Shout out to The Tunic Company, and The Sandal Company. Without them I wouldn't be able to buy the expensive equipment needed to produce new content for my channel, #Miracle. 

Christmas, nowadays, is all about gifts, it is purely commercial. People don't know the true meaning. Unfortunately, however, back around 300 AD, shortly after Constantine created Christmas, I started living the crucifixion over and over again. Christmas after Christmas. I am sure you can imagine that is not a pleasant experience. It's exhausting actually. 

Someone in the background: "Josh, please stick to the script."

CC: My apologies. Let's change the subject. Have you ever recognized your face in toast or Doritos? 

JC: Good question! No. I have not experienced that, but I do moderate the Facebook page, "Jesus in toast." 

CC: I'll admit I am not schooled in the details of Christmas. I thought it celebrated your birth- not death- no? I hate to bring it up again, but what was the crucifixion like? There is an anonymous source claiming that you were on the cross for eight hours before you died. Is that true? 

JC: Shout out to Ap-Uhl Watch for their amazing product. I have always loved watches. But to answer your question, I don't know how long I was up there. Probably Mathew or Mark, maybe Luke could answer that question. Subscribe to my socials- #Miracle. 

CC: Right. Nowadays you are an influencer. Tell us about that.

JC: It took me a long time to be able to think of myself as an influencer. I didn’t know anybody who did that. I knew content creators who played around with social media, maybe on the weekends, but I didn’t know anybody who was an influencer. It felt like something that was out of my reach. So, I started out in consulting, I think, as a way to scratch that itch.

CC: Right. Which came first, the subscribers or the sponsors? Also, I want to touch on your arrest and trial for blasphemy and tax evasion. 

JC: I really can't comment. I can only say that I had to search deep within my heart and spirit to move to a new plateau in my life. The subscribers came first.

CC: There have been scandalous allegations made by your doubters. I have to ask you; do you take part in human trafficking? There have been allegations that you eat spaghetti with pineapple. What other skeletons do you have in the closet?

JC: That guy is an asshole. People will oppress each other-- man against man, neighbor against neighbor. The young will rise up against the old, the base against the honorable. Anyone who is too visionary or too innovative is accused of not playing by the rules. I'd hate to lose followers, lose money, lose influence because of lies. 

LIES. I'd like to quote my old friend Adolf Hitler, "Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it and eventually they will believe it." 

That stuff really makes me mad! That asshole can rot in Hell. He does NOT want to mess with me.

Someone in the background: "Josh, calm down, focus, please stick to the script."

CC: Yikes! Suddenly this interview has gotten serious. You know what I have always wondered, how does one turn water into wine?

JC: Dude! It's funny that you ask about that because recently on my YouTube channel I tried to replicate the process. First of all, the conditions need to be perfect, you need very clean water. A long, long time ago the water was much cleaner. 

You can watch it on my YouTube channel, 'M1racles'. Unfortunately, 'miracles' with an I was taken, so I use 'M1racles' with a one instead. 

CC: Genius. You mentioned oysters earlier. My last question is about The Last Supper. Ironically my friends and I keep a list of foods for our, metaphorical, last supper. What is on your list? What was on your list? 

Someone in the background: "Josh, please stick to the script- read page 7 for the correct answer."

JC: Mary, my mom, used to make something similar to what we call a pot pie today. Instead of chicken, though, she filled it with figs, and dates, sometimes olives. Olives are the one thing that can take me back to living in Judea. Dude, food is a time machine.

CC: Absolutely, What else did you have for your Last supper? 

JC: Gosh it has been so long since I thought about it. Umm, Bacon?  I would love bacon at my next Last Supper. Maybe a full breakfast of pancakes, bacon & sausage, scrambled eggs with American cheese and strawberries. 

Someone in the background: "Wrong answer Josh! Did you prepare at all for this interview?"