In Evils We Hide

NOTE: My take on fate has been the way we have organised society to push everyone into the same life (school, college, work, retire, die)

We, as humans, always seem to be looking for something to blame. We tell stories, create worlds, and in many of the most popular instances, the evil is not human. We wish to convince ourselves that there is something worse than us, that commits atrocities we would never be able to overlook, but when you look to the real world, and look for those evils that we wish to blame for all that hurts us, it is our own brethren. Yet rarely do we blame the true perpetrators, instead preying on the differences we have and upholding only some while the others are left behind in the cold, the darkness. We search for the threat and attack our differences, dividing and separating us. No wonder everything is falling apart, when we cannot even muster kindness towards one another if we look or act slightly differently. Humans, perhaps, differ from animals because we have the capacity to choose evil. We are able to hurt others, not to eat or to survive, but simply because we can. We cover ourselves up in stories, telling of demons and monsters, but in truth, we are the monsters, because we chose to be.

We choose the hurts we inflict, but we do not get to choose what hurts us. Perhaps this is why so many take the hurt into their own hands- to attempt to arrest control of their pain.

I know I have. I try every time to be the one controlling it, but every day my grasp of reality slips out of control and every feeling and pressure tangles inside me. I don't quite see why we have to constantly add more on. I'm only 15, but even without working for my own living there are constant demands on me. Testing, exams, assessments, homework, it is unending and crushing. Why did we form a machine that pushes each person through as a productive, economy-supporting member of the world, but squeezes out all the hopes and joys? I am too frightened to see the news and the world I will inherit. I fear the day I am to join the ranks of adulthood and have to cease running from the agonising weight of need for productivity. It is us who placed all the worth on bits of cotton currency, who withheld resources and broke everything into divided pieces. Why?

Why did we have to create fear and hatred and discrepancy? Why did we destroy the natural resources and become gluttons who took more than we needed, and now have a ruinous maldistribution of wealth and privilege? Why did we develop this way, paving our own destruction? The next generations will choke on their first breath from the evils in our air. They say the road to hell is easy, the agony of eternity at life’s end, and at the same time, it's said all roads lead to Rome, a fallen, ended empire. Shouldn't the numerous falling of these massive civilisations have warned us? To arrest too much control from the natural world returns to swallow us. In the name of progress we took too much and now we're just trying to outrun the crises we made. The melting ice, the dying nature, the violence and anger and destruction between us. We know we are an ouroboros and yet we refuse to stop devouring the tail. What will happen first, everything is consumed, and nothing remains, or suffocate on our greed when it finally chokes us?

I will run. I will keep running. Surely I can outrun time, another product of our incessant categorisation and need to understand. The endless hunger for discovery became nothing but a greed for larger quantities. Now there are bellies full of all the creations and discoveries we made, and starvation on the other side. Is it too late to fix?

How many divisions have we desecrated our history with? Superiority and marginalisation, violent prejudice and destructive bigotry and biases. A table cannot stand if its legs are broken into pieces. In the name of progress, we set everything back and burned bridges. Why do we have to highlight our differences? Those who come from other places, have their own traditions, look different to us? Those born ill or less fortunate who require more help? Those with different minds and unique thought processes? Why is suspicion and hate our default reaction to any unfamiliarity within our own species, but fascination and insatiable thirst to learn about everything else we find? 

It’s all so loud. Too many things fill my mind, demands and pressures and my own thoughts and hurts and feelings and it hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts. I just wish it would be quiet. I wish the tenderness that warms my blood and coats my heart in fluff when I am okay could be more familiar to me than the ruinous, ice-cold fragments slicing through me in my distress. So much around me, so much in my mind, and yet a void looms. We will all fall in, it's by design. You are born, the schools mold you into employees, you work, bring the next generation of servants, work until all your time has passed you by, and you withdraw, with money you spent so long gathering but now have nothing to do with, and then you join all from before you. A design solidified by the decades. We built a machine, but we are the pieces of it. 

I will run. I will run and I will try, I will play my part, do what I can, to bring about a fix. I will run. I will try to find my happiness, my dreams, and be freed from being another cog. I will run, I will let my heart pump out the sun inside me and be blanketed in joy as soft as snowfall. But then who am I kidding? We can't outrun ourselves, and god knows those who are fed by our serpent's tail aren't willing to give it up and help what they destroy and consume.

I cannot run forever. At some point I will have to jump, or else be swallowed and join everyone else in the dark.