A very Woodward 1986 Thanksgiving, Part 2

“Kevin,” Charles said. “Are you enjoying your Thanksgiving?”

“It’s Sunday, Dad. Thanksgiving is on Thursday, but your parents and some of your sisters are downstairs waiting for you.”

Other than my dad being completely erect and fully naked, he began to act normal again, almost oblivious that he wasn’t wearing clothes. These moments scared me, not because I fear the behavior, but because I feared becoming like them someday.

“Is that right?” Charles responded. “I guess that is right. Okay, let’s go downstairs, son.”

Dad awkwardly put his arms around me as if he were ready to go just as he was.

“Let’s get some clothes for you, Dad.”

This was super awkward, having my dad’s arm over me with no clothes on, plus the other …thing.

I picked a sweater that looked like it came off the movie set of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” He also had a nice pair of casual slacks, and his best shoes were penny loafers with a penny in each shoe. I specifically chose a pair of underwear that was tighter in case he didn’t lose his erection, which, again, happens when he was stressed sometimes.

“Are we good here? I’ll give you a minute, and I’ll come back. I’m just going to my room for a second.”

“Okay, son,” Charles said.

I stepped down three steps to the main staircase and then up three more to my room on the other side of the house, where Curt was waiting.

“Should I be here?” Asked Curt.

“I mean, I wouldn’t blame you if you flew out of here like an eagle, but I hope you’ll stay,” I said.

“Is everything okay in there?”

“Yeah, I'm too embarrassed to tell you how bad things get with him when he gets stressed.”

“You can tell me, Kev. When you told me how wild things were with your family, I thought maybe you were being dramatic. Now I’m glad you’re going to Michigan State and away from this.”

“Well, it’s only crazy like this when the family is around, and they all live between 800 and 2000 miles away, so you’re seeing it from the summit,” I explained.

“So what’s going on with your dad?”

“He just froze. He was fully naked and froze up like he didn’t know what to do next. I just picked out some clothes, and he’s putting them on now. I should get him and make sure he gets downstairs.

“Okay, cool,” Curt said. Now it’s time to meet the other three remaining contestants.

“Now you’re getting it.”

Bess Woodward

Bess was the only one to arrive with her spouse so far. She was the type for whom the term “She wears the pants in the family” was written. Unlike her siblings, she arrived quietly, saying very little, and with her husband dragging the bags inside the house along with a purse everyone seemed to assume was hers, but was over his shoulder.

“Hi Bess,” I said. Aunt Bess is easy to get along with. She doesn’t say a lot, but she knows how the family is, and she is the only one who has taken the time to get to know me, even a little bit, which is something. She is a life coach and has worked in physical therapy, so at least she can attempt to connect to others.

“Long time no see,” she said. “Who is this charmer with you?”

“This is Curt. He goes to my school. He’s here for moral support.”

“Should I call you Bess?” Curt asked.

“Yes, please. Anything else makes me feel like I’m my mother.” Bess said. “So you’re making good friends at school then.”

“Yes. The best. I wrote for the sports page in the school newspaper and yearbook, putting us in the same rooms,... well, gymnasiums.”

“Wrote? Past tense?”

“Yeah, I started at State in January, a semester early.”

“Oh! Well, that’s super cool,” she said. “Curt, did you work on the newspaper?”

“I am a varsity point guard for the basketball team. I’ll graduate in ‘89.”

“Well, you certainly look like a senior. I guess that’s the muscle structure. Where is your dad, Kevin??”

“He’s around here somewhere. If you don’t find him, let me know and I’ll go hunt him down (again.)”

And then the inevitable happened. “AAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!” the murder scream.

“Good LORD!” said Curt.

“Singer is here,” said Bess.

Then everyone started saying it.

“Singer IS here.”

“Singer is HERE?”

“SINGER is here.”

Singer was the next born after Charles, and she was like the family mom since Odie was mainly missing in action. Her real name was Eva Jean, but they called her Singer because she was almost always behind a sewing machine and mothering the lot. She started screaming out of frustration back then, running out of the house and into different spaces to get it out of her system.

Flashback to the cow pasture: “AAGGGHHHH!!!”

Flashback to the chicken coop: “AAGGGHHHH!!!”

Flashback to the unnoticed baby food stain on her prom dress: “AAGGGHHHH!!!”

The scream was also known to Odie as a battle cry that meant, “You suck as a mom!” So when Odie heard it, it wasn’t endearing; it was an insult that made the point that she was responsible for Singer’s childhood frustration.

Everyone rushed out front to find her staring at the Birch tree to the side of the front porch. The goats had gotten out and eaten the bark off the tree about four feet up before anyone noticed. Of course, Singer would be the first to see it. The goats seemed unfazed by her agony. Always shoulder to shoulder, the twins stood with their mouths gaping open, expressionless. It was June’s kids and idiot husband who were playing out back and somehow managed to turn off the electric fencing system. I thought that Regan, June’s husband, had peed on it and shorted it out. He wouldn't likely have noticed the shock since he already acted like he had been electrocuted.