Relentless Memories

Blake lifts a duffel bag onto stacks of boxes in the back of her Subaru. She turns around and smiles sadly at her parents. Her mother scoops her into an embrace while her dad rearranges the bag and a few boxes, ensuring that her vision would be clear. 

Her mother says, “We’re going to miss you.”

Her dad briefly looks over his shoulder to say, “Gas up before Pittsburgh. They’ll charge you almost double.”

“I will, Dad.” She murmurs as her mom suffocates her. 

Her mom pulls away and asks, “You’ll text us when you get there?”

Blake nods.

Her dad lightly taps his foot against the tires. He says, “Your tires are all good too, so you won’t have to worry about that.”

Blake nods toward him. She bites her lip and looks down the street ahead of her car. 

Her dad clasps her shoulder and says, “Ready to get on the road? Could still get there before dark.”

Her eyes flick to her parents, then out to the road ahead. She wasn’t ready to leave, at all, rather wondering whether she could stall any longer.  Maybe she will show up. She shakes the thought away. She doesn’t know.

Blake looks at her parents when her mom touches her other arm and sniffles, “We love you. You’re going to make tons of friends. You will be the smartest girl there. You can call me if you need anyone to talk to. I’ll always pick up.” 

“Thanks, mom. I love you guys,” She says as she hugs her mom again. Her dad pulls her into a quick side hug. Then, he reaches to close the trunk.

Blake walks to the front of her car and sits in the driver’s seat. She glances at the seat next to her and then the backseat, seeing boxes filled with her belongings. She takes a deep breath before starting the car. She waves to her parents one last time then begins to drive to make a right out of the cul de sac. She slows down in front of a bright yellow, two-story house. 

It was dark outside. Blake and her best friend, Sadie, are fourteen years old. They lay in the grass in front of the yellow house and stared at the stars with their hands locked. The brunette, Sadie, turned on her side and smiled at the blonde, Blake.

She whispered to her, “Blakey, what if we just run away?”

Blake furrowed her brow. She thought for a moment as she stared up at the stars, then she turned on her side to face her and she asks, “How would we do that, Sadie?”

Sadie pursed her lips. She said slowly, “I don’t know how yet,” she paused, “but I know if we did I would be able to be myself.” She looked toward the big yellow house and added softly, “And I know I would be happiest with you.” Sadie rubbed her thumb across the back of Blake’s hand.

Blake’s cheeks reddened which she tried to hide by rolling onto her back. She suggested, “We have four years. We move to the east, pick the same college or close, become roommates and we could make that happen.”

Sadie grinned.  She said, “I love that plan.” She removed her hand from Blake’s. Her elbow pressed into the grass as she leaned on her palm.

When she took her hand away, Blake looked up at her with a frown set on her lips. Then, Sadie smiled mischievously down at Blake. She lifted off her elbow and gravitated slowly toward Blake’s lips. Blake readied her hands to prop herself up. 

Light from inside the house shined down on the grass next to them, which shunned them apart. Sadie quickly sat upright before the door opened.

Sadie’s dad stepped out with a grimace. “You shouldn’t be out this late.” He crossed his arms and glared at Blake. “Blake,” He grumbled as he shook his head, “You should walk home now.” 

They frowned and only dared to look at one another through the corners of their eyes.

Blake shakes her head frowning. She won’t have to think about that anymore. Not her, not him, not them. She lets out a shaky breath. She brings her attention back to the road and continues down the street. It doesn’t matter now. Sadie hasn’t cared in the last year.

A honk blares from a red Camaro that races past her in the opposite lane. She tilts her head and watches in her rearview mirror as it quickly U-turns and comes to a halt behind her. She watches Sadie leave the passenger seat of the car. Blake pulls to the side of the road and flings her seatbelt off. When she steps out of her car, she watches Sadie run to her. Sadie’s speed doesn’t waver so she tackles Blake into a hug, causing her to stumble backward. At first, Blake hesitates to reciprocate the embrace, but she succumbs when the familiar citrus and floral blend invades her senses.

Sadie buries her head into Blake’s blonde hair. Sadie’s body begins to shake in the embrace as she sobs. Blake holds her tighter.

“Sadie…” Blake mumbles. Her eyes begin to flood with tears that she can’t contain. Her voice shakes as she says, “I didn’t think you’d…” Her voice trails off.

“I saw your mom's post and thought I was too late,” She sniffles. She pulls back from the hold to look into her eyes. She wipes the tears from Blake’s cheeks and then caresses her shoulders. “Blake, I, I know we haven’t been-” she pauses as she tries to regain her composure, “but I coul- I couldn’t not say goodbye. “ She pauses again before continuing, “Knowing you’re leaving and I don’t know when I’d see you, knowing that I was suppo-” She interrupts herself with a sob.

Blake pulls her back into a soothing hug. She wants to throw the boxes on the side of the street to clear the passenger seat so Sadie can retake her spot. She wants to drive her far away from their hometown and not look back. She has missed Sadie deeply, for almost a year now. Their friendship has faded over the past two years and they rarely saw each other after their last-

The jump of the Camaro’s engine brings Blake back to where she was. In Sadie’s arms, yes, but within view of Travis. Her eyes peer over Sadie’s shoulder, at him. He was leering at them from behind his steering wheel.

Sadie pulls her back as she reaches to push a strand of hair behind Blake’s ear, then she wipes another tear away. She tries to smile, but her lips quickly tilt down. She says, “Blake, I-” Sadie swallows. Her eyes widen slightly as if she’s pleading with her to understand as if she doesn’t want to say it. “I,” Her voice shakes as more tears flood down her cheeks.

“Sadie,” Blake warns. She already knows.

Sadie begins again, “I- I will always l-” 

Blake interrupts her by wrenching herself from Sadie’s embrace. She shuts her eyes momentarily and begs, “Sadie, please. Stop.”

“But-” Sadie falters, “I-”

Blake interrupts again pleading, “Please, I don’t-” she chokes, looking away from Sadie. “I can’t hear that from you,” she says as she shakes her head profusely. She refuses to look at her mesmerizing eyes. Instead, her gaze flicks behind her, at the reminder of their reality, Travis. 

Sadie closes her eyes. She croaks quietly, “I- I’m going to miss you.”

Blake mumbles, “I’ll miss you too.”  Blake wants to pull her into another hug and press their lips together one last time. She wants to drown in the smell of her perfume, but she refrains from the temptation and murmurs, “I’ve gotta go,” she adds, “before it gets dark.”

Blake reaches for the car door. She momentarily looks at Sadie before looking back at her car. “Thanks for saying goodbye.”

Sadie nods her head as she chokes a sob down. “Dr-drive safely.” 

Blake closes the door and begins to drive away. She looks in the rearview mirror and sees Sadie watching her drive off.  The Camaro drives next to Sadie. He gets out of the car and blocks their vision of one another to wrap her in a hug.

Sadie and Blake sat on Blake’s bed, laughing. They’re sixteen years old.

Sadie placed a hand on Blake’s arm. Blake looked up at her and smiled. Sadie batted her eyelashes with a mischievous smile, then she leaned into Blake. Blake gravitated toward her with her lips ready, but Sadie suddenly pulled back as if she remembered something. 

She interrupted their moment with excitement evident in her voice, “I have to tell you something.” She reached for Blake’s hand and held it.

Blake grinned and asked, “What’s up?”

Nerves seemed to strike Sadie when she saw Blake’s smile. She removed her hand from Blakes's to run her fingers through her hair. She cleared her throat as her eyes flicked away from the blonde. She said, nonchalantly, “Travis and I have been getting a little serious,” She paused, and looked at her to say, “he asked me to be his girlfriend.” She grinned at Blake, acting like this was good news for the both of them. 

Blake stared at her for a moment. She blinked. “Travis, the senior you tutored last year?”

Sadie nodded. “Yeah, we’ve been spending a lot of time together. My dad asked him to come over to watch the game. He brought me roses the other day,” she gushed.

Blake sat there, expressionless. She couldn’t look at her so she looked past her, onto the desk where various photos of them over the years sat. 

Blake shakes her head, trying to pull herself out of the memory. She continues down the street. She had to get out of this neighborhood so she turns onto the closest main street. She wanted to get away from any memory of Sadie. She tries to focus on the road but every street she passes reminds her of Sadie, something they did, somewhere they went. She presses her foot down on the gas a little harder and speeds past a yellow light. She just needs to get out of town.

She sustains her thoughts for only 30 minutes when she’s well out of town, but Sadie comes flooding back into her mind. She tries to drown it out by reaching for the radio to turn it on. After switching the stations a few times, she realizes the radio is full of love songs, so she switches to what’s in her CD player.

Rain poured down onto Blake’s Subaru. The girls flung the doors open and squealed. They’re seventeen years old. Their clothes clung to them from the downpour and they giggled as they relax in their seats.

“I’ve missed having you around,” Blake said with a grin on her lips. 

Sadie smiled at Blake and batted her eyelashes. “And I’ve missed being around you.”

Sadie’s phone vibrated and her attention quickly shifted to her phone. She grinned down at her message.

Blake smiled, with sudden heat warming her cheeks from Sadie’s words. She turned the heater on and switched from the radio to their shared copy of Taylor Swift’s Red. She asked Sadie, “Have you applied yet?” She rubs her hands in front of her the heater.  When she doesn’t respond, she looked to see the brunette on her phone.

She called, “Sadie?”

She smiled at the blonde and said, “One sec.” She quickly finished typing her message and then placed her phone on her leg. “Sorry, Tr-,” she hesitated, “had to finish that message.” She shook her head and asked, “What were you saying?” Sadie turned toward Blake to try to show dedication to the conversation. Her eyes flicked to the stereo and she smiled.

“The applications are due next week. Have you finished?” Blake reiterated.

Sadie immediately frowned. Her eyes flicked away from Blake’s. She opened her mouth to speak, but the ring of her phone interrupted her. “Sorry, one second.” She turned the phone over and frowned deeply. She sighed.

Blake tried to hide her disappointment by looking out the window. 

“Hey, dad.” She paused.

Blake’s face dropped. Her fingers tapped on her knee nervously.

 “Yeah, no I’m,” she paused again. She glanced at Blake briefly. She lowered her voice, “yeah, with Travis.” Blake looked at her.

Sadie said, “No, I’ll be back before then. Okay, I will. See you soon.”

Sadie smiled apologetically at Blake. “Sorry again about that.” She locked her phone and placed it face down on Blake’s dashboard. “What were you-”

Blake’s frown deepened as she stared at Sadie. “Sadie, did you just lie to him?” She asked softly, hurt evident in her voice, “It sounded like you just said you were with Travis.”

Sadie looked away as her smile quickly died. She leaned back in her seat. She mumbled, “It’s just easier that way.” She crossed her arms and continued, “He really likes Travis.”

“And he doesn’t like me.” Blake stated, “your best friend of 10 years.”

Sadie avoided eye contact. She just shrugged and sighed, “Well, you know why.”

“It’s not like he ever knew for sure,” Blake grumbled as she shook her head at the idea of Sadie’s father. “Can’t wait for us to be able to move away from people like him.”

Sadie only briefly looked up. She tensed slightly and rubbed her palms against her tights. Her silence was deafening to Blake. She watched Sadie’s hands, her nerves oozing through them. Blake looked at her, begging her to agree. It took her a few moments, which was excruciating for Blake. 

Finally, Sadie parted her lips. She said slowly, “Blake, I’m going to stay here.”

Blake looked ahead of her at the street. She leaned back into her seat.

Sadie tried to justify, “My dad said if I stick around here then he’ll pay for my college.” 

“There’s financial aid you could use.” Blake suggested, “Your GPA is great and you’re active enough for scholarships.”

“I know,” Sadie hummed. She paused for a moment then mumbled, “but Travis will transfer there after this year.”

Blake nodded her head and spoke without emotion, “Right. Travis.” 

Sadie rolled her eyes and mumbled, “He’s a good guy. Wish you would just give him a shot.”

Blake didn’t listen to her. She shook her head and said spitefully, “Fuck all of the dreams we’ve had for years.”

Sadie snapped, “Well, what do you expect, Blake? We have barely been around each other for the past six months.”

“More like a year.” Blake argued, “And whose fault is that, Sadie? I reach out. You’re always too busy for me.” She shook her head as she gritted her teeth.

Sadie opened her mouth to argue but instead inhaled a sharp breath. She nodded and said softly, “I know.” She rubbed her forehead and sighed, “I’m sorry for that and I should've told you sooner.”

Blake wasn’t having it. She continued to shake her head with her arms crossed, her vision on the road ahead of them.  

Sadie sang softly, “Blakey.” She reached to touch her arm. She said, “You know I will always love you.” 

Blake looked at her and she loosened her crossed arms, to which Sadie took the opportunity to gently trail her fingers down her forearm, her wrist, and into her hand.

Sadie squeezed her hand. She said softly, “But it’s always going to be easier with him.”

Those words stung Blake. She yanked her hand away. She reached for her seatbelt, but she paused.

Blake’s voice shook as she said, “You ever think that the easiest option isn’t always the best?” 

When Blake looked back at her, Sadie leaned closer to her, inches away from her face. Sadie reached to push a strand of blonde hair behind Blake’s ear. 

She cooed, “Blake, you are always going to be my number one. I will never love anyone as much as I loved you.” Sadie leaned forward and cupped her cheek, then she brushed her lips against Blake’s. 

Despite the fury, frustration, and sadness that flowed through Blake, she surrendered to Sadie’s lips. Her hand reached to softly cup the side of Sadie’s neck. She knew it was bad, but she wanted one last kiss to remember how soft Sadie’s lips were, how Sadie kissed, and how it felt to be that close to her because she knew that this would be the last time their lips would melt into each other’s.

Blake pulled away when she felt warm tears begin to fall on her cheek. Before Sadie opened her eyes, Blake rubbed them away and reached for the wheel. Sadie looked up at her, smiling. She said playfully, “I missed you and your lips.”

Blake finds herself in a parking lot and she isn’t sure how she got there, but maybe it was for the best as tears began to distort her vision. She pulls the red CD from its slot. She stares down at it. She has the urge to break it in half so she tries bending it, but she doesn’t allow herself. As she looks down at the CD, tears fall onto the cover. She lets out a sob and throws the CD into the passenger seat. It hits the side of a box and falls below the seat. Blake groans loudly and hits the side of her steering wheel.

She looks at the time and shakes her head. She wipes the tears from her eyes and rubs her nose against her sleeve. She mumbles to herself, “I’ve gotta go before it gets dark.” 

Blake drives out of the parking lot as her GPS routes her 600 miles away.

As she merges onto the freeway she can still hear Sadie’s voice in her head saying, “I will always love you, Blakey.”

She blinks a tear away and mumbles, “I’ll always love you, Sadie.”