How to Survive Until Tomorrow

STEP ONE: First you have to kill the dog. If you don’t kill the dog you won’t be able to get downstairs, and the house is already going up in flames, so you really don’t have much time and the dog is always right there at the top of the staircase, growling at you.

There are a few ways to do this. At first, I used the Phillps-head screwdriver from under the bathroom sink, but if you do that your hand and arm will be injured from the bites and you won’t be able to fire the pistol with any accuracy later. Then you're done.

The best method is to go into the teenage boy’s bedroom (second door on the left) and quickly put on the hockey gear in the closet for protective purposes. He is a big kid and it should fit you. Then grab the aluminum baseball bat. When you approach the German Shepherd, do what you have to do. Keep the bat with you afterwards and run downstairs.

STEP TWO: Do not exit out the front door of the house right away! I know the smoke is thick and you will be choking on it but if you do, the cops will just shoot and kill you right there on the front lawn. It happens every time. What you want to do is just pull the hockey jersey up over your nose and mouth and run down the staircase to the basement rec room. (The staircase is just off the kitchen in the back.) Once you get down there you can’t miss the firearms cabinet. It’s right there at the bottom of the steps.

The cabinet will be locked but just use the bat to smash the glass, then you can toss it. Almost all of the guns have a cable lock secured for safety purposes and I have never been able to find the keys. You’ll instinctively want to grab the Mossburg 12-gauge shotgun but don’t waste your time. You’ll never be able to use it. Too bulky anyway. If you open the drawer at the bottom there is a Sig Sauer 365 that is unlocked. There will be a box of 9mm rounds right next to it. Naturally, you’re going to want something with more stopping power but, trust me, you don’t have the time. Grab the pistol and the bullets, load the clip, then run back up to the kitchen and exit quietly by the back door.

STEP THREE: Don’t go down the driveway. The female officer will spot you right away and you’ll be shot dead within seconds. Instead, move cautiously down the small passage between the opposite side of the house and the neighboring fence. Before you get to the front lawn, stop and grab the rusted old sprinkler head sitting by the basement window and throw it out into the street. Try to hit the red Ford F-150 pickup truck if you can, or the blue Hyundai Sonata parked behind it. This will distract the two officers for a moment and make them turn in the opposite direction and you should have no trouble shooting them both if you lean around the corner of the house and empty your clip. (Remember to aim high as they are both wearing Kevlar vests. You need to land headshots. This won’t be too hard. They’re right there. Go for the male officer first. He’s the harder shot, but just keep on firing until they’re both down.)

Once you put down the two officers, stay right there and reload your pistol. Do not walk directly out onto the front lawn. The next door neighbor in the house on your right will be leaning out of his front door by then with a hunting rifle, but he is an old man and you should have no trouble putting him down as well. Just go back around the house and come down the driveway this time and you will have him dead to rights. Then you can get into the patrol car - the driver’s side door will be open and the engine running - and you can leave the property. Make sure to turn off the lights on the roof rack in order to avoid unwanted attention as you flee. (The switch is just under the right side of the steering wheel.)

STEP FOUR: Do not take the on-ramp to Highway 101. Obviously, you’ll be wanting to make an expedient getaway but there is a helicopter on you now, as the patrol car has a GPS tracking device so they know where you are at all times. If you get on the highway going south, there are two CHP cars that will be on you in less than 90 seconds every time and regardless of how fast you try to go the second one will execute a PIT maneuver on you and your stolen patrol car will just spin out and flip multiple times and you will die after crashing into the trees along the side of the road. Not right away though. You’ll suffer for a while with two broken legs, a caved-in chest cavity, one broken arm and multiple facial lacerations (mostly from when the airbag deployed).

Taking the highway north is also a bad idea. There is a huge traffic jam going in that direction and the CHP will be on you pretty fast. Then you either die in a hail of bullets or head off to the LA County jail, which sucks. About two hours after you get processed you’ll get the shit kicked out of you by some very hard ass dudes from the Mob Piru Bloods. It's not fun. You lose four teeth and the vision in your right eye. It’s not like the correctional officers will be in a big rush to get you into an ambulance either. Better to just go out in the hail of bullets from the CHP out there on the 101. Trust me on this.

Better yet, do what I said earlier and don’t get on the highway at all. If you just pull underneath the highway overpass the LAPD helicopter will lose sight of you and you can just run the stolen patrol car up onto the sidewalk and get out. Make sure you bring the pistol. There will be two vehicles about to stop at the red light right at that corner. You’ll probably want to carjack the older lady in the new Cadillac, but this is a bad idea. That car also has a GPS tracking device and the police will be on you in less than four minutes. Instead, you want to just take the old minivan from the pretty young Mexican lady with the three kids in the back. (Don’t be an asshole. Make sure she gets all three kids out before you take off. Otherwise, you're just going to hate yourself afterwards.)

STEP FIVE: Here’s the key thing. If everything goes to plan and you can get to Ventura Boulevard before 9:18am you are home free. You can just pull over and park the minivan right there before the intersection with Rubio Avenue, get out and walk away. It’s obviously an illegal parking spot but who gives a shit? You have bigger worries than parking violations. Not your vehicle anyway. (Oh, also, there’s a guy on the sidewalk who will stare at you suspiciously as you cross the street but don’t worry about him. He’s just some weird guy. Don’t shoot him.)

From there, the world is your oyster! You can do whatever you want for the remainder of the day. I’ve spent that time in all sorts of different ways. I have dined at the finest restaurants, played high stakes poker at the Bicycle Casino, enjoyed the company of top-dollar escorts in a luxury suite at The Mondrian and more. (Yes, obviously you need money for all of this. You have a gun. Use your imagination here.)

But eventually I just kind of lost my zeal for it all.

Now I just want to get through with it. Oblivion is my goal. There’s a kid named Alonzo who you can find on the corner of San Pedro and 6th Street any time after 10:13am. He has high quality heroin for sale and won’t rip you off. There’s a needle exchange program just down the block and if you can’t find a used IV needle laying around in that neighborhood you have to be blind. Once you score, there’s a cheap hotel on the corner of East 4th and Central. You can get a room there and fire up your dope and just nod off. Don’t worry about overdosing. It doesn’t matter.

Because here’s the thing. Even if you do everything just right - and it’s not easy to do everything just right - you’re still just going to wake up in the burning house again the next morning and you have to kill the dog and shoot the cops and flee the scene and do everything all over again. It’s completely exhausting. Each time I go through it I lose a little bit more of myself and who I once was. I don’t know how or why or, honestly, even when it all started. I just know it never ends. I just wish it would end. I wish I could make it end.

Good luck. I hope this will be helpful when it all starts for you.

THE END