I wrote down his name on one side of a folded sheet of lined paper. I stared at the name, knowing that inside this note were the final words I would say to him as I set him free, hopefully peacefully.
I sat knee-to-knee in a three-person circle on the floor of my childhood bedroom, now converted into my crafty mother’s sewing room. To my left, my older sibling Rachel sat. She ended up seated right where she once laughed so hard at a joke I told her that she farted but then ran off crying to tattle to Mom that I forced her to embarrass herself.
On my right sat June: expert advice-giver and hugger, and parent to my sweet nephew – my favorite six year old in the world! Actually, June is mine and Rachel’s cousin but we’re all as close as siblings so the title really doesn’t matter to us.
In the center of us was a Yule wreath that we decorated together, and in the center of that was a single tall candle that gently diffused a scent of white tea. Nearby was an ashtray that already contained the ashes of two written declarations of freedom. Rachel released emotions of shame and self-doubt. June let go of an unproductive grudge. It's my turn now.
I drew in a nice, long breath through my nose. Rachel and June did the same. I unfolded the sheet of paper and began to read aloud.
“To, the man who molded me. I only have many thanks for you. You were allowed to pave a way for yourself and, in turn, you allowed me to pave my own. This is bittersweet and feels weird. I feel like I’m betraying you even though that’s kind of a funny thought. I am becoming who you knew I always was and I won’t ever forget about you.”
I paused briefly at the paragraph break to breathe and steady my mind again. “I am ready to admit what I’ve been feeling deep inside for so long. And if there are people who think I’m making a mistake or doing some sort of despicable act, I am going to try to react in kindness. I’m aiming to let go of fear and anger when those emotions are serving me negatively. I will be confident in this new me that I am becoming. This is growth and I can’t thank you enough for passing the torch. Your job is done. I promise to live as true to myself as I can, in your honor.”
We remained quiet as I refolded the letter and touched a corner to the tip of the flame on the candle. Then we watched the flaming paper curl up and shrivel down into the rest of the ashes.
“I will rise from these ashes,” I said.
“I will rise from these ashes,” said Rachel and June together.
I closed my eyes and rested my arms on my legs palms up. When Rachel and June placed their hands in mine I almost started crying. I smiled instead, still expecting the tears to come relatively soon as I still felt the burning behind my eyes. I couldn’t open them yet. Not until I said something else.
“My name is Lydia,” I said. After those words left my mouth, I think my heart sped up to three times its normal rate and a knot settled into my stomach. I felt Rachel’s hand leave mine as she gasped.
“Rachel, you said you’d keep it together,” June said and frowned. “The circle was broken.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle and as I did a few teardrops sneaked down my face. I wiped my cheeks. “It’s okay,” I said. “She’s been bugging me for weeks to tell her the name I chose. I expected she’d act like this.”
Rachel grasped my hand again. “Hey, I’m just excited, okay? I had a feeling you’d go with that name. Great Grandma Lydia would be very happy. She would have loved it.”
“Do you actually think so?” I asked and held her hand a little tighter.
Choosing the name was harder than I had ever expected. With so much respect for my new namesake, I had to be sure I was doing my great grandmother justice. Honestly, if neither June nor my sister approved then I’d scratch it and go back to square one; that’s how remarkable of a lady Lydia was.
“Yes, of course I think so!” Rachel belted and threw her hands into the air which she then threw around me. We tumbled over to the side and my head landed in June’s lap.
“If we’re done then we should close out this Releasing Ritual properly,” June said as we got ourselves upright again.
“You always insist but has anything ever gone wrong?” Rachel asked.
“No, because I’ve always closed out my ceremonies.”
“Alright, alright.”
Once again they connected their three-person circle and all closed their eyes.
June was the one who drew in a big, slow breath this time and when we exhaled together we said, “I release what no longer serves me with love.”
With that, Rachel clapped her hands together and hopped up to turn up the lights. I blew out the candle and we began to gather the things we brought along with us. June promised my nephew she’d bring the Yule wreath back safe and sound to display on their front door.
Then there was a sharp, quick rapping at the bedroom door and the knob jiggled but didn’t open. Immediately following was a soft yet somehow loud voice that hollered “Mommy!”
I laughed. “Told you we didn’t have long. We better go before he actually yanks the knob off and we get stuck in here.”
“Give mommy one minute,” June called back to him. With her hands on my shoulders, she looked at me dead on. “Not that I think it will go poorly but no matter what happens out there in that living room, I support and love you. We both do. Lydia.”
“Hell yes! Anyone who thinks they know better can get–”
“Rachel,” June sternly interrupted.
“What? I’m serious. I know they’re family and they’ll probably react just fine but you never know. So, however it goes, we’ll be here.”
My lips quivered when I opened my mouth to speak. “I really really appreciate you two doing this with me,” I said shakily but stood firmly on my feet. I felt raw, emotional and yet valiant with my loving battalion to back me up. “All right. Point of no return. Let's rise from the ashes.”
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