How To Play A Human

“Goodbye,” you said.

The best way to break someone’s heart is to pretend that you care about them. You were good to me. You stood by my side every night when I thought I was never going to make it. You helped me bury my prejudices and become a better person. You believed in me when I had nothing. My only possessions at the time were unreal ideas for the future. But you listened and understood, encouraged me to keep going because you truly thought I’d be someone great someday. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.

They say you never know how much you love someone until they’re gone. Being unaware of your deep affection for someone else, seeing the person you never knew you loved leave can be a real punch in the gut. I knew I loved you. We had gotten so close you knew more about me than anyone else. I let you into my life and shared the secrets that made me feel ashamed of who I am. Anybody else would have taken this time to run away and disappear forever, but you stayed. I knew from the moment you decided to stay that I loved you. That’s why the heartbreak was even harder to bear. One day I woke up, and you weren’t next to me. You were gone. No call, no text, no note. No “I love you”. No “I’m sorry”. Nothing. Just the smell of your soft hair on the pillow and your floral perfume on the sheets were left- along with my loneliness and newfound heartache. I see you everywhere. I still see your face. In my house, on the street trying to practice after you stole my board. In my dreams. I have dreams of you coming back. I have dreams of us being happy again; then I wake up. I know this is self-sabotage, but I can’t help it. I see you everywhere because you were my whole life and still are. Unfortunately, I don’t think the feeling goes both ways anymore. Many relationships turned sour at one point; ours was no different. It was a gradual decline, from spending more time at work than at home, talking less, and spending less time with each other. We were both at fault or, perhaps, neither was. It was a steady and moderate fall…until it wasn’t. Until it turned into a plunge. I’ve been lost since then. You helped me find my path, you helped me build it. Now, everything I’ve stepped on has turned to ruins and dust behind me, and I don’t know where to go from where I am now.

There were two people in our town’s theatre that day. The lights were still on because the play hadn’t started yet. That was how we met. You timidly asked for my seat number. I answered, you nodded and sat down in the chair next to me. You asked how come the rest of the auditorium was empty. I said it was because people are destitute of intellect and can’t appreciate art when they see it. You smiled and nodded. “People in our generation are devoid of morals and merit.” Strong choice of words. The lights started to dim but we kept talking. On the brink of a moment, we had so much to share. It was like we found the friend neither thought would have. We continued our discussion throughout the whole performance. It looks like we were the ones with no morals. After the play concluded, we stepped outside. It was pouring. You didn’t like the rain, I remember. You said rain ruined the urban images. You were wearing a satin dress and heels, not entirely weather-appropriate; you agreed. I gave you my coat, caught you a cab, and sent you home; not before getting your phone number. Days later, we spoke again. We caught each other’s eye around the grocery store. I could smell your perfume since you walked in. We talked for a bit, then we parted ways. We continued our conversation a few hours later, while on call. We discovered we both had a passion for theatrical art and we spent the next few hours talking about our favorite interpretations. Our dates consisted of tickets to a new play and coffee next door after. Each time we would remember who paid for what so that next time we swapped payments. I asked you to be my girlfriend and you said yes- we moved in together soon after.

Life was going great. Then, we stepped into the later stage of adulthood. We weren’t living in the twenties anymore. We both started working jobs and spent more than ten hours a day sitting at a desk to keep our income steady. We started missing the monthly dates we had planned prior. It was different than how it was before, yes, but we were fine. Neither ever gave a sign we weren’t. We had fought from time to time, like any couple, young or old, had, has, and will probably continue to have until the end of time. But we were still happy. We were on the verge of getting married. We were ready to walk inside the building as two, and then leave as one. We were about to tell our vows we each constructed with such care and wisdom, making sure we were going to keep them forever. I said I loved you. You said you loved me. We were married. It was a perfect day. For our honeymoon, we went to New York, half across the globe. We got tickets for the Broadway performance of “Hayloft”. We took a walk in Central Park. The weather was beautiful.

It was raining when you left. I think it was a full ongoing storm outside. I woke up to the sound of thunder roaring and bolts of lightning whipping the sky. You packed your bags and left. Everything was gone besides the ring and a letter. I never saw you again.

I’ve been lost since, trying to find my new path. I realized that I never managed to find mine because I was putting all of my time into trying to find yours again. I can’t move forward.

Was it something I did?

I knew from the moment we met that things will start to develop further. I hate to admit it, but you were a complicated person. It should’ve ended then and there, with no further development. I shouldn’t have gotten your number and I shouldn’t have tried to call. I wouldn’t have asked the question. I wouldn’t have said “yes”.

Take me back. Take me back to that night, and I’ll change it- only that I don’t have such power. That night made me see the real you – one that favors secrets and lies over truth and unity. That night should’ve never happened.

But I can’t escape the way I love you. If only you made it easier, if only you didn’t let me fall so low. If only you told me you didn’t mean to say “I love you” back. For a person who handled so many secrets, someone being a mental labyrinth full of incomprehensible mysteries you didn’t wish to break down…it seems I never truly knew you as I thought. Tell me what is worse: losing you now, or later. Or, perhaps, I had lost you for a long time already. You acted it out and I fell for it, I played my part in the heartbreak scenario.

The truth is, the lights never came back on for us. Deep in our minds, we remained in the theatre, alone in the auditorium, just the two of us. We were meant to find our way out of the darkness together, but it seems each has found a different doorway to step out on.

I find peace in the rain. It’s silence, and I think it’s really pretty. The rain doesn’t ruin urban images as you said- it reveals their true selves. Perhaps it’s the same with people.

“Goodbye,” I finally responded. I looked up to the sky, and water droplets started hitting my face with gentle force.