The Chains of Regret

To: George.Bronsteter@QuantumLeapInnovations.com

Subject Line: Deciphering the ‘What If’s’

Dear George Bronsteter, 

What if? 

The ultimate dilemma that makes me freeze and wonder. 

What if? 

Each time I ask myself this dreaded question, I curl into the fetal position and gaze into the abyss. 

What if…

It haunts me. The daunting idea that you can become whatever you want — that your wildest dreams can become true, where the world is indeed your oyster. You might be asking: ‘Why would such an idea distress you?’ OR ‘Why do I care?’ I mean, the questions themselves are within our innate nature to ask ourselves every so often, right? 

Yet, my answer is simple. How could it not? The very idea that you can influence the future (including your own) plunges me in a spiral of anxiety that scares the living hell out of me. Just think; every thought, every idea, every seemingly insignificant decision, influences your reality for better or worse. As you grow older, this question becomes even more unbearable. Why? Because you begin to question every decision you’ve ever made up till the exact moment in time. You incessantly compare how life ‘should have’ turned out and where you would be, if only you acted differently. 

Let me elaborate. What if I didn’t cheat on my ex-girlfriend during my time at College? Lillian and I were not just a couple; we were inseparable. We dated for most of our years throughout school; we were the epitome of high school sweethearts, complete with our own dedicated spot in the yearbook: ‘Most Likely to Stay Together Forever.’ And Lillian…she was so much more than the cliched “sweet girl.” She was brilliant; her mind an endless constellation of bright ideas and insights. She was deeply empathetic, always able to understand not just what I said, but what I felt. And those tiny quirks she had — her crooked smile when she was concentrating on a complex problem, or the way she’d roll out of bed every morning like a limp noodle devoid of life. Lillian was as real as it gets. So what did I do? I pissed it all away for one night with Jenny Beckingham a few years later…Ironic. Needless to say, my relationship with Lillian came crashing down when she found out, and she, rightfully so, slapped the stars out of me during one of my English lectures the following week. Did I mention that when she burst into the lecture hall, she aired out our dirty laundry to over a hundred of my fellow students? Of course, if I had dared to mirror her fiery language from that fateful day, I would have soap as a staple part of my diet for months on end. After that fiasco, it truly felt like a momentous shift in my persona took place, including a drastic course correction in my lifestyle. In plain terms, when Lillian and I split, I felt a piece of my soul was ripped away. To go back and contemplate why I jeopardized our unwavering relationship with Jenny, I never can quite rationalize it — other than attributing it to me being another sexually charged and greedy coward. I guess this was just a foreshadowing of my future. 

For the record, I never attended that class again.

What if I quit my corporate job (that I despise with every fibre of my being); and, instead, took a chance and wrote that book I always yearned to write when I was younger? When I came to the realization (post-graduation) that an English major had narrow roads leading you to either be a high school English teacher, a financially strapped freelance writer, or an under-appreciated editor drowning in manuscripts, I followed the road that society expected of me. Fast forward many years later, I am the Vice President of Sales at a well-established tech company in California, despite being in my late-thirties. I pull in an extremely lucrative salary that would make an upper middle-class family’s mouth water. My house? Well, it’s less a house and more of a palatial sanctuary that lays nestled in Menlo Park. I drive a matte black Porsche 911 Turbo that roars down the street like a lion unleashed, a true wealth symbol. Not to mention, I rub shoulders with Silicon Valley’s elite at Michelin-starred restaurants for lunch, while dining with the crème de la crème of sophistication in the evenings. To top it off, my nights are spent in the intoxicating company of attractive women, who particularly have no brains, but I am not there for intellectual stimulation. 

I transformed into the person my younger self simultaneously loathed yet revered. Had you told me twenty years ago I would amass all the money I ever desired; however, I would dread every waking moment of my lifestyle, I would most certainly would have offered two words for you: the first starting with an ‘F’, the second ending in ‘OFF’. I was adamantly opposed to a way of life I couldn’t be proud of, especially a life where I couldn’t share my journey with a significant other. But it has not been all repulsion and regret, and that is the painful truth. There are moments when I close a lucrative deal, it makes me lick my lips, or when an acquaintance of mine compliments the fine aesthetics of my home, these help provide me with a sense of accomplishment. Yet, these are strictly fleeting moments of time that make me forget about the what if’s. Nevertheless, life is a bonafide double-edged sword, and lures you into a slow death like a siren of the sea…if you let it. 

Now, if the clock could rewind and I could undo the decisions I have made, would I be happier? That’s one part of the ‘What If’ question that can halt my entire productivity for a day. This very uncertainty can keep me awake into the early hours of the following day. The persistent hollow heartaches that follow from a lingering melancholy is my constant reminder that the path I tread; and, choose to follow, holds nothing but misery till the day I die. Whenever I sit at a table full of narcissistic executives constantly talking business or about their latest yacht purchases, I feel paralyzed and drift away into thoughts of my younger self’s dreams and aspirations. Or when it’s the dead of night and a beautiful woman is sleeping soundly beside me, I lay motionless, remembering that she will be gone by tomorrow and a completely new woman will have taken her spot. I have experienced love and loss, and for the former, I cannot even tell you the last time I felt a trace of it. I morphed myself into a cold-blooded reptile, seeking pleasures that only further entrap me into a lifestyle that seems inescapable. You know, it honestly feels like I am not in control of myself anymore. The real Richard Constantine took a backseat long ago, and the person driving now is far from divine, but a devil peering back at me in the rearview mirror, smirking malevolently, and within its eyes, a reflection of bitter ambition and insatiable greed.

Which brings me to the final and perhaps most significant question that promises the greatest uncertainty: What if I took a leap of faith and risked everything I have come to know? Quit my job, sell my assets, sever the connections I have built over the many years in the Valley, move back to my hometown of Fresno, find a woman and settle down…What would become of me? Would I revert back into my old habits after the first week when I realize I can’t do it? I am so tormented by this, and so evidently tired of agonizing over it. These three ‘What If’ variables of my past, present, and future, feel like a boa constrictor relentlessly tightening its grip around me, with each breath more strenuous than the last. The longer I idly wait to act, the more I notice the itch that cannot be scratched, the fire that cannot be extinguished, and the thirst that cannot be quenched. 

For some individuals, their greatest fear(s) can be the dark, the prospect of isolation, or even the whisper of failure. And for me, these all morph into mine; the unknown. The powerless feeling of uncertainty is unlike any other, which is why I need to make a change. Personally, my life is an enigma that seems like it can only be solved by taking the first step in the right direction. I only possess a vague idea of where to start, but the saying goes, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,” and I like to believe that reconciling with my past mistakes is a positive step in the right direction. To want to become a better man is drastically different than the need to become one. If I really mean what I say, I will have to do things I will no doubt cringe with discomfort at; however, to facilitate growth you have to take accountability. So, for me, I am somehow going to find a way to get in contact with Lillian and apologize for the damage I inflicted upon her in the past — God knows what she went through after our relationship. Next, I am going to write that book I always dreamed of. I’m thinking a novel in the Drama Fiction genre, I think I can really hit home and resonate with my readers on this sort of story. Last, but certainly not least, please consider this my resignation from my position as Vice President of Sales at QuantumLeap Innovations, effective immediately.

Sincerely, 

Richard Constantine 

P.S. I would say I will miss the other execs and yourself, George, but quite frankly, I will not. I’ve lost count of the meetings where I’ve sat, silently seething, as you and the village idiots prattled on-and-on-and-on, each word driving me closer to the urge of thrusting my head through a pane of reinforced glass. 

P.P.S. You might be CEO of one of the most promising up-and-coming companies in North America; however, one thing is for sure, you are just another man in a world full of cowards. Don’t bother calling me to discuss any of this, I have already changed my number.