Sugar Coat

Nobody ever knew. Nobody ever asked. Why would they? Everything seemed so, fine. Living an idyllic life in a idyllic setting. What could possibly be wrong with this picture?

Well. Life happens. To start with. And at times what we think is normal is really not. Normal at all. And at times, things seemed down right unbearable. But then again, there were laughs, and togetherness and good times too.

IT could be so confusing. At times too. Alliances in a household made. Major upheavals and embarrassment sometimes ruled the day. No where to run and no where to hide. Alliances then turned on a dime. And alone you were left with your aloneness. Sounds rather like a pathetic existence.

Admitting there was a problem would be the first step to fixing it. To possible correction. But when sworn to silence and secrecy as a youth as the only way forward it kinda sticks with you in a bad way— a powerful force that does not dissolve or dissipate easily over night. And no one person corners the market on perfection. The perfect life. The perfect “issue.” The game becomes,

Survival of the Fittest. Survival of the Wittiest.Survival of the Bitty-est. Survival of the Prettiest. And this is a furthest life experience from healthy competition that you may imagine. And again. It was not always all bad. So, why even complain?

Why wage a war with yourself of vast proportions that is waged nearly every day by you and on you by you. Digging deep down in you you knew what was happening was wrong. Really wrong. Dead wrong. Thinking half ness is all you deserved.

And proving it was wrong became a confusing futile attempt, a quest almost at and of living an authentic life of moderation.

Masking is actually quite laughable. A joke. Really. For anyone who has ever been required to put on a brave face and become face to face with reality will tell you. You become an award winning actor after another tumultuous event in the household, walking out the door the next day included a fake face of cheer and cheerfulness. A performance of all performances that everything is “hunky dorey.”

Take for example the concept of covering, covering up and to take cover. They all well, cover up something. Maybe Maybelline was on to something. Put lipstick on a pig and you really are just a pig with lipstick on. That is how it feels to be exposed when all you want is cover. Or to run away and hide. Ugliness reared its ugly head again. Fleeing is once again an only option.

A frequent flyer program of epic proportions and you are the only passenger on this free fight or flight journey.

To disguise something incriminating or unpleasant with a more attractive quality, minimize or moderate the seriousness of something. Spinning a you of failures and shortcomings, big or small, is a daily battle of wills inside your mind as you navigate the world in front of you, thinking everyone knows what went on behind the closed doors, and at the same time, trying to pretend it did not happen. Exhaustion really.

And then there is the loss. The recognition of a part of you robbed and you did not even know it was happening when it was happening. Robbed of a part of you meant for possibly great or at least good things, the opportunity to be the best you had to offer. Leaves you with the only thing you can offer.

A half-a**ed version of a you you never really got to know in the first place. Face to face with a you, you do not really even know. Forget about explaining it to another, even confiding in another what you saw, occurred.

Enjoying any good or great things is not a risk you are ever willing to take because you do not feel you ever “deserve” a good or great thing. You have been programmed to think you do not. During the discovery phase, you just tried to cope.

Coping takes its toll.

So. You attack the memories and try to pound ‘em memories to oblivion

Hangover takes its toll.

So. You try to pretend they never happened.

Headache takes its toll.

So. You buy the bestest wrinkle-free cover up to conceal the painful decline in your face in any pursuit of happiness.

Rash takes its toll.

Justify this or that happening or not really happening in the interest of misrepresentation.

Personal integrity takes its toll.

Trying to protect those in your home whether you liked them or they liked you.

Sadness takes its toll.

And you are left a crumpled mess of attack and react. In the here and now.

Fun, Huh. A fun way to live, huh.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. Requires a stamina you never thought you had. But you do. A humbling that you never knew existed, but it does. A strength of character that was being built in you along the tumultuous way, that one day just,

Shows up.

And a shift begins.

And it will. And it does. Something occurs, a fear or occurrence so great it explodes the old narrative right out of your mind. And you are left to feel,

Out of your mind. For a time. Trying to make sense of why people hurt other people. Destined to sometimes be “spot on” in calling a spade a spade or react slightly off target. Both situations requiring of you a focus not always of perfection, a give or offer, but meaning no real harm.

Just trying to figure it all out.

One step forward, two steps back. Start all over again. Kinda like climbing a mountain you will never get to the top of. Or dancing the Cha. Cha. Cha. One two, Cha, Cha, Cha, three four, Cha, Cha, Cha.

Back and forth. Back and forth. In a perfect world, getting it right the first time would be awesome. The best you can do some days is just try to get it mostly right.

This isn’t about sweetening some deal to buy a house, car or new expensive jewelry. This is about living with the pain of what occurred and putting you best foot forward every day, any day.

Refuse to participate in the games of mass destruction of or aimed at you. Give a gift to yourself of the positive. Engage in a quiet little dance you do with yourself, when no one is watching. And you decide once and for all you bravely take on your new world with strength and ability.

The memories have no present hold on you now. Easier said than done. They are just the reminders of the you you were then and the you you are now.

That was then. This is now.

Cha. Cha. Cha.