Words Unspoken

“This isn’t working out.” I paused and shook my head. “How could you do this to me? We were together for three years! Three years, I gave every part of me to you and you just didn’t care. Because if you did care, you wouldn’t have done what you did. But you did. You did it the entire time behind my back. How could you?! How are you okay with doing this to me?”

Tears filled my eyes from anger and frustration. I sighed at my reflection in my mirror, figuring that if I thought enough of the words I would be saying, that I could finally get more than three of them out. 

I’d been in a relationship with my fiance Liam for three years. We were friends for two years prior to us dating after meeting in college. 

It was love at first sight for me. I was at a college gathering. He was standing by the bookshelf in my friend’s home and looking through the titles. I’ve never been one for much conversation but I’d brought my friend’s book back to return. I took the chance and walked over, placing the book in its corresponding spot in alphabetical order by last name. 

“Did you read this entire book while being here?” he asked. His brown eyes focused on me and I noticed he was a bit shorter up close than I thought he was when I saw him from further away. 

I laughed. “No. Borrowed it from Sapphire before the semester started. I needed it for a class.”

“Well, that’s nice of Sapphire.”

I nodded, with a small smile. 

“Was it at least a good book?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to speak. Truly no, the answer was no, it wasn’t a good book. But I didn’t want that to be my first impression. “It wasn’t my favorite,” I replied simply.

He studied my face for a second. Then he smiled. “I’m Liam.” 

“Serena,” I replied.  

“Nice name.” 

“Thanks.”

“So how do you know Sapphire?” he asked. 

“Same major, actually. We had freshman orientation together.”

“Ah. She’s dating my frat brother.”

“Cherry Tomato is your frat brother?” Sapphire told me that the thing she remembered most from the date was that the guy apparently didn’t like cherry tomatoes and went on about that for too long. But he’d been nice enough to her and she figured that it was enough for more dates. 

“We call him Derek, but yeah.” He chuckled, a little throaty sound escaping his lips.

I laughed with him. 

We talked for the rest of the night, going through books we had read, teachers we considered and avoided. Well, he did most of the talking. 

But he was nice. And I felt comfortable around him, which wasn’t a common occurrence. 

At the end of the night, he walked me home. 

“Derek and I reserve a group study room that no one ever really uses. Sapphire started joining us. Want to come too?” 

I smiled and nodded. 

“Cool!” He grinned. “See you around, Serena.”  

“See you!” I responded simply. 

And had I told him what I wanted to say that night, maybe it wouldn’t have taken 2 years for us to start dating. 

I thought about the moment over and over. I wanted to say, ‘Thank you for our talk, Liam’ or ‘I like you and I want to see you again’ or given him my number or something so we could keep talking. But by the time we saw each other again, he’d gotten back together with his ex. 

I used to regret not talking to him that night. Now I regret not seeing the signs. I regret not moving on. But I never felt that I had any right to demand anything from anybody. Maybe that’s why he thought I would wait around for him to get out of the relationship. Maybe it’s why he thought I would tolerate him cheating on me with the same ex he keeps going back to. 

The same ex that keeps cheating on him. So he keeps cheating with her. 

And I knew his ex. Last time we spoke, she told me to take care of him for her. 

She said, “Serena, he’s a good guy. I’m the problem. I’m so sorry that you’re getting him this way. But please, he deserves good things. So treat him well. And...make him happy.”

And all I said was, “I will.”

Had I been back in that moment, I would have said, “It’s not my job to fix your mistakes. I will do for him what he does for me. You’ve made your choices. You chose to hurt him. It’s not up to me to make him come to terms with what you did to him. And if you really feel bad about everything you put him through, then maybe you should apologize to him like you mean it and let him move on with his life.”

But I didn’t think my response mattered. I didn’t think I should engage her with everything I wanted to say. And instead, I kept my feelings inside: the anger towards her for hurting him and for refusing to leave him alone to continue with his life. It wasn’t my place to say it. I still believe that. But maybe I should have since he never would.  

And I never asked him to. Because when it came down to it, I wasn’t always sure that he would choose me over her. 

And all things considered, I was right with this thought. He didn’t want me; he wanted her. He had to know that by getting her, he wouldn’t be keeping me. He didn’t want me. 

My phone buzzed on the table. 

Liam: i can head over after work

I sat down.  

Me: works for me!

I had two hours. Two hours to get his things in a box, ready for him to only become a distant memory.

I started in my closet. Together for three years, I shoved every shirt, sweater, jeans, pants, underwear, and stupid pair of socks that he left in my apartment. I went through my bedroom, the shelves, the walls, removing the memories by way of pictures and gifts that were too enveloped in his memory.   

I went down the hallway to the restroom, tossing his shaving cream and razor into the box, in the messy fashion he left it in last time he spent the night. The soap spread on his clothes. His leftovers from the fridge, his movies, his laptop, his ties, his lies...it all went into the box. 

Tears filled my eyes again and I picked up a photo from us on New Year’s Eve last year. It was right when the clock struck midnight and we kissed each other. I loved him then. I thought he loved me now.

Cherry tomato confirmed he’d been cheating on me then in New Year’s when I’d asked him yesterday. When I visited their home yesterday, Sapphire broke the news to me. She was friends with his ex and after seeing him call her during their last hang out, his ex confessed. I left their place feeling lonely and frustrated and hurt. 

But all I could do was thank them, for telling me sooner than he ever had the courage to do. For opening my eyes to who Liam truly was.   

“How could you do this to me?” I asked him in the picture. “How could you go back to a person that keeps hurting you when all I wanted was to not? And why wouldn’t you tell me? Why would you propose instead of telling me? And why are you still trying to hide it?” 

I sank down to my knees and cried on the floor. Agonizing pain spread through my chest. He didn’t deserve my thoughts or my pain. How dare he. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the sobs and more crying. And finally, the exhaustion of the past 24 hours reached me. And the circles in my head stopped, allowing me to sleep. 

#

I awoke to knocking on my door. I looked at the time and immediately knew who it was. I picked up the box and went to the door, opening it and seeing him standing there with a big smile on his face. 

“Hey, beautiful,” he said. “What’s that?” 

I dropped the box in front of his feet, hearing some crashing objects and shattering glass.  

I took off the ring and tossed it at him. “It’s over.”

And I closed the door, locking it behind me, and went to bed.