An unexpected conversation with God

"Are you there, God? It's me... Well, that doesn't bring us any further, does it? Because you don't know me. Or, I think you don't. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But what I know is that I'm here now, talking to you. I've never done this before." 

I open my eyes for a moment. Instantly, the bleeping of the life support machines are back. Kevin is still there, fighting for his life. If he could, he would pray right now. But he can't. So I decided to do it for him. A hell of a task, pardon my language. I've never prayed before in my life. Because, to who? I wasn't raised religious at all. He was. We often talked about it, and to be honest, those were my favorite conversations. The way he spoke about religion made me jealous sometimes. How soothing it must be to always have something, someone, to lean back on. To him, it was guidance. A warm blanket when he needed one. He didn't go to church. He didn't pray every day, or at least not before dinner and before going to bed. But he always carried his faith with him without showing everyone. I thought it was a beautiful thing. 

I take a deep breath. What am I going to say to God anyway? I'm one of those people who believe that religion can indeed be a wonderful thing. But I also see its ugly part. Or the way people carry it out in an ugly, oppressing way. Kevin understood my view as well. He never tried to convert me, or ask me to give it a try. He just carried out his little ritual occasionally when he felt it was needed. And I smiled to myself when I saw him do that. I don't even know what he tells God. He often mumbles and speaks in his native language, which I don't understand. Ironically, in my own native language, we have this dumb phrase. Roughly translated, it says 'I don't speak Swahili, do I?', which you say when you're annoyed someone doesn't understand what you're saying. Right now, I wish I could. 

I close my eyes again and try to speak to God again, in my head. Or should I mumble, is that the trick? I have no idea where to look for God. It's from within, I think. But where? I press my palms together and just hope and wish for Kevin to wake up. 

"That's quite the thing you ask me to do." 

I open my eyes. Instead of looking at a hospital bed in which my best friend was tied to with tubes and what not, I looked at an unknown man. Or, at least I think he’s a man, he sounded like one. And this man doesn’t lie in a hospital bed. He sits in front of me in a chair. There’s a small table in front of me which holds two cups and a teapot, which has a tea label hanging out of it. This is no hospital. 

“Excuse me?” I feel a sense of panic coming over me. I try to control myself. Where am I? And who is this? What is going on? 

“I suppose you don’t know who I am?” 

I shake my head. He looks old, his afro is dark gray and a bit messy. He wears a white suit and it looks immaculate. His hands are folded together and are resting on his lap. He leans a bit forward. He unfolds his hands and points at the table. 

“Tea?” 

“Yes, please.” 

He moves forward and pours two cups of tea. I immediately take my cup and hold it in my hand. It’s still a bit too hot to drink but at least it looks like I’m not doing nothing anymore. The warmth of the tea also calms me down a little. 

“I’ll give you a clue.” He says. He sounds calm and friendly. “You called upon me for help. And here I am.” 

“God?” 

“The one and only. Well, the one your boyfriend prays to. I don’t want to offend my colleagues.” 

“We’re just friends.” I say, and quickly make sure to smile. I just corrected God after all. 

“Are you? Oh, I thought you’d be more than that. That’s what Kevin makes me think anyway. Well, that’s awkward.” God looks at me and then starts to laugh. I can’t help but laugh with him. It also calms me down. I have still no idea how I got here. And if any of this is real in the first place. 

“This is very real, Kim.” God says. “I don’t mean to mingle in your brains, but I’d like to make this clear to you.”

“You heard my prayers then?” 

“They were a bit shaky but yes.” 

“Do you answer all prayers like this?” He laughs again. This time I don’t join in. Why would he listen to someone like me anyway? Judging from his responds he doesn’t answer to everyone. 

“Let me ask you a question.” 

“Okay.” I take a sip of my tea and look at God. He looks like he means business. 

“Did you expect me to be black?”

I stare at him. Is this some sort of test? But I know enough to know to answer truthfully. “To be honest, I had no expectations. I’m not much of a religious person myself. You probably know that. But, it makes sense to me. Faith is a refection on your own life, well, that’s how I see it. You’re the expert. But why should God be this old white man in a robe on a cloud? Or a man in the first place.” 

“And that’s why I have answered. You want to help your boyfr… your friend. Sorry, I still can’t believe I’m misinformed about that. You call upon his faith and now you’re looking at a black God, because he prays to a black God. Did you know that?”

I want to answer immediately but pause. I never gave it much thoughts what his God looks like to be honest. I wonder if that’s ignorant of me. “It makes sense.”

“It does, doesn’t it? I look very different to his next door neighbor for instance.” That’ll be John, the neighbor who greets me but not Kevin. Never thought of him as a religious person. It takes me a while to process God’s words as well. He’s patient and drinks his tea. I decide to get to the point. He must be a busy man anyway, he’s God after all. 

“Can you help him?”

“Who?”

“Kevin. The accident wasn’t his fault. Many people say it is, but it simply isn’t.”

“Were you there when it happened?”

“Well, no. People say he himself made the wrong turn which caused the accident to happen. But, I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right.” 

“I was there. And it wasn’t his fault. He was deliberately driven off the road.”

“I knew it! I’m going to tell his lawyer and we can tell…”

“And what exactly are you planning on telling his lawyer? That God told you what happened?”

“Uhm, well, no. But I think of something.”

“You weren’t there, Little Khajiit.” I freeze. God just called me by the nickname Kevin has for me. No one knows about that. I start to wonder what he and God have been talking about all this time. 

“I shouldn’t have given you this information. But I know you’re struggling with this guilt thing. And to be honest, I like you. Do you really have no romantic interest in Kevin at all?” 

“What? Does that matter? I just want him to wake up and get better.”

“Making him wake up is already a big thing to ask, and now you’re also asking me to make him better? He’s severely injured. It doesn’t look good.”

“I know that. That’s why… that’s why I’m here. Is this some kind of spiritual world?”

“You could call it that. Your mind is here, your body is still in the hospital with Kevin. Don’t worry, no one will notice anything, hardly any time will have passed when your mind returns to your body. See, I’m answering your questions. Why don’t you answer mine?”

“I do!” I reply. “And you don’t answer my main question. And that is if you can help Kevin.” I realize I sound both angry and desperate. I’m frustrated to say the least. 

“And you haven’t answered my main question.” God replies. 

“Why are you interested in my love life?”

“Fair point.” He puts his cup back on the table and I follow his example. “But I could ask you why you’re interested in Kevin’s life as well.”

“Because he doesn’t deserve to die, that’s why. He’s my best friend. He’s the only person I can feel at ease with. He calms me down. He makes me laugh, he makes me realize there’s more in life than my dumb daily annoyances. I can be myself with him and I’d like to think I return that favor to him.” God looks at me and folds his hands. He looks very spiritual this way. “He has so much to give. Not just to me, but well, the world really. He doesn’t deserve to die.”

“He doesn’t, I agree with you.”

“Then...” But God interrupts me. 

“And your feelings don’t deserve to be locked up either. What holds you back?” 

“I… well, I don’t know. I don’t know what you mean.” 

“I think you do. But very well, I can tell you as well if you want to.” I want to object, but God continues to talk. “You don’t want to get hurt. Anything that could possibly lead to pain you avoid. You’re doing that all your life. It’s time to stop that. You can’t avoid risks your entirely life. You need to live every once in a while. And Kevin is a safe bet.”

“Hmm… let’s just assume I have romantic feelings, as you call it, for him. That would mean I have a dying boyfriend right now. Not really sure if I could cope with that.”

“Do you really think it would hurt you any more than it does now?” I want to answer, I want to say that yes, it makes a different. But then I’m not so sure. I’m devastated already. I have such an immense fear of losing Kevin that I tried to pray to his God. I have been at his side for almost three days now, I haven’t been home, I refuse to leave his bed for a second. I only do it when I really need to go to the toilet. I always make sure someone is with him when I do. The fear of losing him is driving me insane. I’m not coping very well. 

I close my eyes and I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to jump into the arms of God, I want him to hold me. I want him to fix Kevin. But I guess that’s not what Gods do. Gods give mental and moral support. They listen, they give you guidance. God was quite right about me. I just wish I had acknowledged that a long time ago. Now, it’s too late. 

“Little… Khajiit… is that… you?” I open my eyes. Instantly, the bleeping of the life support machines are back. God is gone, visually anyway. In front of me is Kevin tied to his bed. But with his eyes open. He looks at me and I can see his hand trying to reach mine. I take his hand and I smile. “Yeah Tiger, I’m right here.” 

“I knew you would.” I feel the tears run down my face. He’s back! Two doctors come rushing in and are looking at the machines, doing readings or whatever it is doctors do. ‘That’s a miracle’ I hear one of them mumble. I only have eyes for Kevin. 

“I had the weirdest hallucination.” He speaks slow and soft. I move closer to him so he doesn’t have to use any more energy. “You were having tea with God. I have no idea what you talked about, but it was dope anyway. I want to grow old and grow an afro just like him.” 

“I’m sorry.” One of the doctors interrupts. “We really need to do a real good check up on him. You may stay, unless you object sir.” Slowly Kevin shakes his head. “But you need to step back now.”

I nod and ask for a small moment. I bow down to Kevin’s face and softly say “I think it’ll look great on you. One day I’ll tell you what we talked about, God and me.” I plant a kiss on his forehead. He looks a bit confused but smiles. “Can’t wait to hear all about it.”