the forgiveness of the wind

In the quiet hours before dawn, a gentle mist shrouded the countryside. The whispers of the wind filled the solace and each dewdrop kissed the earth as if bestowing blessings upon the sleeping world. The comfort of the sun would slowly creep and dissolve the mist’s embrace, unveiling the hidden hues of the landscape. As the world awakened to the soft glow of dawn, most took comfort in the warmth that the beginning of the day had. For Corinne it was anything but peaceful. A tightness suffocated her daily, clawing at her throat, wrapping its arms around her stomach and squeezing the air from her lungs. 

She removed her eye mask tentatively, peeking in the room to confirm the darkness and felt her anxiety slowly start to slip. Not a single shred of light peered through the blackout curtains, her noise machine filling every crevice of the room. Corinne had perfected her routine. Black out curtains covering every window of the house at all times, eye mask and noise cancelling headphones on every night with a sound machine playing repeatedly. Most people that knew her found it excessive, but she had stopped caring what others thought long ago. Before taking a step out of bed, she always checked the weather. It was a tick at this point. She had multiple weather apps with consistent phone notifications. They all confirmed the same thing - sunny day with slight chance of clouds later on in the day. She breathed a sigh of relief and got ready for the day.

The first steps she took out of the house always gripped at her throat, the tightness coming and going. Though the sun basking on her face encouraged her to continue so she walked briskly to the bus stop. The bench still felt damp underneath her as she sat down, her legs bouncing and a slight shake in her hands. The person beside her offered a sympathetic smile and offered a cigarette, their silent gesture of understanding weaving a thin thread of connection on the quiet morning. Accepting the cigarette, she felt a fleeting sense of ease, a small respite from the weight of her worries and the comfortable silence embracing their shared companionship. Corinne didn’t know much about him, he was a tall burly man with a thick northern accent she sometimes struggled to understand. He always wore chequered print shirts and black trousers - never navy. She was always curious about his life. She imagined he came from a big family, with a loving wife and three kids, definitely daughters, though he never indulged about his life, nor asked about hers. He always knew when to speak and when to let the silence drift between them. She was grateful for that.

The bus journey was short but it felt like an eternity, each passing moment stretching out into an endless expanse of uncertainty. With each stop, her heart raced a little faster, her palms growing clammy against the cool metal of the handrail. The gentle hum of the engine provided little comfort, its rhythmic drone a stark contrast to the turbulence of her thoughts. She checked the weather apps again then let her eyes drift to the passing trees. She gave a little wave to the man as she walked off the bus and walked the remainder of the way on foot, feeling hopeful that today could be a breakthrough. Dread still gnawed at her as she made her way through the familiar corridors and greeted the workers.

Sunlight drifted through the sheer curtains casting dappled patterns on the polished wooden floors. Corinne began to find sanctuary in this room. Soft, muted colours contrasting with the dark wooden accents of the bookshelf and the deep chestnut desk. But most of all, she found safety in Sophia. Her smile was full of embrace and encouragement, there was understanding that seeped out of her, her presence was a comforting beacon of stability against the tumult emotions that Corinne exuded. 

Sophia cleared her throat, “Thank you for coming today Corinne. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay I guess.” She started picking at her nails again, Sophia’s eyes darting on her expression and noticing her reserved slump in the armchair.

“It’s great to see you in person again,” Sophia continued, “You look better.” In the silence Corinne took the time to appreciate Sophia’s outfit. Normalcy, this is what she wished for. Her mind drifted to the times she would hang out with her friends. Her only worry in the world was what she would wear, how much money she would spend. As the silence continued to crowd the room, Corinne braved a smile, feeling that tightness once more.

“I don’t want to feel afraid anymore,” she managed to squeeze out.

“I understand, let’s carry on from where we left off, shall we?”

Corinne had been diagnosed with astraphobia, the fear of weather, and anxiety. 

She searched for the right words, but nothing slipped her lips. Sophia waited patiently, she knew to give Corinne time to open up. It had been weeks since they last met in person, rainy and stormy days stretched endlessly. “The anniversary is coming up again, yet I feel like the first day all over again.” Tears pricked her eyes, her cheeks flushed with the raw intensity of her emotions and she felt exasperated already.

“That’s completely normal,” Sophia began, extending a box of tissues Corinne’s way, “but the progress you have made so far has been incredible. Let’s talk more about that first day. What were you feeling primarily?”

“Guilty. So guilty. That guilt never leaves me, I guess.” Tears streamed down her face at this point, though she felt a sense of numbness from them.

“That’s valid to feel, this grief and guilt can follow you around.” The guilt became Corinne, covered every inch of her and followed her in the depths of her mind at all times. “I think we have also made great strides in learning to live with your astraphobia too.”

Flashes of anger burst within Corinne. Frustration gnawed at her insides, a relentless force threatening to consume her entire being. Anger at herself, anger at the world. “I’m so tired Sophia, so tired of feeling angry and scared and overwhelmed. Tired of not being able to leave my house if it’s not sunny outside. Tired of being scared of the weather.” Every word felt like a punch to her stomach, she felt guilty for feeling like this when she felt like it was her own doing.

In the distance clouds started stretching across the sky, the sun no longer in plain sight and the early morning promise of warmth seemingly disappearing. The late February chill beckoning once more, Corinne’s fears embracing her once more.

“It’s almost been two years since the accident, and since then we have made great steps in your recovery. Should we talk about that night?” Sophia asked tentatively.

There were details that Corinne didn’t divulge with her therapist. She felt like a schoolgirl keeping dirty secrets away from the person she’s paying to help her. At times, she felt like it was her punishment for what had happened that night and that she didn’t deserve to enjoy life anymore. She mustered the courage and nodded, allowing the silence to fill in the gaps of her words. The air grew heavy, and a darkness started to loom over, grey covering the previous rays and Corinne nervously checked her phone - high chance of rain.

Sophia sighed, breaking Corinne out of her trance, “Let’s pick this up over call later shall we?” She knew she would not be able to concentrate now and extended a warm smile of reassurance.

Corinne blew a breath of relief and graciously thanked her before darting out of the room. She needed the comfort of her house, immediately the weight of her emotions pressing down on her shoulders like a heavy burden. In her haste, she fumbled with her phone, and with a sickening crack, the screen shattered upon impact with the unforgiving floor. A pang of frustration shot through her, mirroring the chaos within her own mind. With a heavy heart, she scooped up the broken device, its cracked surface a stark reminder of the fragility of her composure and continued her way home.

Lost in her thoughts, she had missed her bus stop and with a resigned sigh, she made an impulsive decision to traverse through the meadows, a shortcut she hoped would save her precious time. The meadows stretched out before her, a sea of swaying grasses and wildflowers dancing in the gentle breeze. The earth beneath her feet felt alive, pulsating with the energy of nature's embrace. She hadn’t felt this in two years. As she approached a peak she could see the vast expanse of the valley spread out before her like a patchwork quilt, each patch a different shade of green. For a brief second she allowed herself to feel comfort.

As Corinne closed her eyes, she felt the wind gently wipe the tears streaming from her face, caressing her in a way she never embraced before. There was solace standing there, the clouds erupted into tears of their own, covering up Corinne’s. The dread filled her body, flinging her in every direction as though she was a piece of paper swept away by the wind. She dropped to her knees, crying out, “I’m sorry!”

Her words echoed through the storm, a desperate plea for forgiveness lost in the tumult of the elements. Each syllable carried the weight of her remorse, a confession of the burdens she bore within her heart.

"Please, forgive me," she whispered, her voice barely audible above the roar of the rain. In that moment of vulnerability, she surrendered to the raw honesty of her emotions, seeking redemption in the unforgiving embrace of the storm. In her imagined grave, surrounded by the ethereal beauty of the storm, Corinne sought solace in the cleansing rain, her tears mingling with the earth as she laid bare her soul to the universe, yearning for the peace that forgiveness could bring.

As she laid there, she felt herself being swept away by the wind, dancing with the ones she lost.