The Snow Globe

Glossary of terms:

"Blower" - telephone

"Ha'way" - come on

"Haddaway" - No way/I don't believe you.

"Park ya butt" - sit down (in case it's not obvious)

****

“What’s that, Grandad?”

“What’s… what, pet?”

“This thingy here, with the policemen standing in the snow?”

Maggie and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes, and grinned. Here we went again.

*

“What’s that, Daddy?”

“It’s a snow globe, Ryan.”

“Why’s it got two policemen in it?”

“One of those policemen is your Daddy, son.”

“Aye, that widened your eyes, didn’t it, lad?”

"Steve!"

“Daddy, Mummy?”

“Yes, Ryan.”

“You were a policeman, Daddy?”

“...Not quite, son… Stop laughing, Maggie.”

“Mummy, if Daddy wasn’t a policeman, how can one of those policemen be Daddy?”

“It was a fancy dress party, son, and I got arrested for it. As ya can see, your mother over there found the whole thing hilarious and had that damned snow globe specially made for my release from prison.”

“Well…Ha’way, man! The whole thing was bloomin’ ridiculous. And don’t curse in front of the boy - I’ve told ya before about that!”

“What? What’d I say?”

“The D word!”

“Daddy, tell us the story about when you went to prison.”

“For fli-… Aye, okay. Park ya butt… It was the first of November, six years ago. The first frost of the year lay thick on the ground, making everything white. Our breaths froze in the air as we ex- breathed out. You were just a babe in arms…”

*

“Mr Wilkes?”

“Aye?”

“Mr Steven Wilkes?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Were you at a Halloween party last night?”

“Yes…? Oh, for God’s sake - don’t tell us that James has complained again! We were at a party, for flip's sake! And it was at the pub! I probably wasn’t the noisiest one there.”

“James?”

“Aye, you know - James Conroy! Always on the blower to you lot!”

“I’m not here on behalf of a Mr Conroy, Sir.”

“Then what is it, then?”

“Sir, can you remember what you wore to the Halloween party last night.”

“Of course - I wasn’t that drunk. A police uniform.”

“A police uniform?”

“Aye! I searched high and low online for that outfit - eBay, Amazon, Wowcher! Only to find the local fancy dress shop had one in. I can recommend them, if you like.”

“Mr Wilkes, I’m arresting you on suspicion of impersonating a police officer…”

“Steve, what’s going on?”

“...You do not have to say anything…”

“Seems I’m being arrested, Maggie.”

“...But anything you do say may be taken as evidence, something which you may later rely on in court.”

“What’s ‘e done?”

“Impersonated a police officer, Ma’am.”

“Haddaway! When?”

“Last night.”

“Last night? But we were at a Halloween party for God’s sake!”

“Aye, an’ that’s what ‘e’s arresting me for.”

“Fer dressin’ up for Halloween?”

“It’s a serious offence, Ma’am.”

“It’s stark-raving mad, is what it is. Surely you lot have much more serious crimes to be looking into? Like her next door, complainin’ when we so much as raise our voices above a whisper, fer a start!”

*

“And then what happened, Daddy?”

“Then, I was taken in for questioning, son.”

“Of course, some curtain-twitcher just had to be watchin’ didn’t they?”

“What’s a curtain-twitcher, Mummy?”

“Someone who spends all day looking out the window for the slightest bit of juicy gossip, son. They ‘ad a field day with your dad that day.”

“A field day?”

“Aye. You know? They thoroughly enjoyed it.”

“What’d they say, Mummy?”

*

“Hey, have ya heard the latest?”

“No, what’s happened now?”

“Steve Wilkes has been arrested.”

“What? What for?”

“Apparently, it was for breakin’ wind too loud, and Adele Smith complained.”

“I heard ‘e was arrested because owld Grouchy Conroy complained about Steve’s antics at the Halloween Party.”

“Those two would have the whole street strung up if they could. Poor Maggie.”

“Excuse me, I am here, ya know?”

“Eee, sorry Maggie. We didn’t see ya there. Is it true - ‘as your Steve been arrested?”

“Well, I suppose, seein’ as you gossip-mongers have heard, I might as well tell ya the truth. Yes, he’s been arrested. For wearing a police uniform to the Halloween party.”

“Ya, what?”

“Aye. Now ya know. If you’re going to spread gossip, at least ya can tell the truth now.”

“For wearin’ a police uniform?”

“It wasn’t even the full uniform - only a dark blue jacket and the helmet. ‘E looked nowt like a policeman. An’ the helmet was from the ‘60’s, too.”

“Aye, well, the idiot decided to get sarky with the constable, didn’t he? So they arrested ‘im.”

*

“Did you have to go to court, Daddy, and see a judge?”

“Aye, son.”

*

“Your Honour, this law dates back seventy years, when it was made illegal to impersonate a police officer. The defendant has admitted to the crime of impersonating a police officer on the night in question. He should be punished. I suggest the maximum penalty.”

“Your Honour, it was a Halloween party, and the uniform the defendant was wearing would not, in any way, convince anyone that he was, indeed, a police officer. It was simply a badge, a helmet from an obsolete uniform and a navy blue jacket. Furthermore, there is no evidence to suggest that anyone was fooled by his costume. Your Honour can see the uniform in its entirety in Exhibit A. We suggest Your Honour dismisses the case in its entirety.

“Your Honour, when questioned by police, the defendant became abusive towards the officer.”

“Your Honour, by ‘abusive’, my learned friend means ‘sarcastic.’ My client said that he searched ‘high and low’ online, only to find the offending uniform in the local fancy dress shop - is the fancy dress shop owner to be penalised for hiring out the said uniform?”

“Should be, Your Honour!”

“I’ve heard enough. Mr Wilkes, I hereby sentence you to one month in prison for the indictment.”

*

“Were you scared, Daddy?”

“Nah. It passed quickly.”

“Your Daddy was in prison for two weeks, Ryan.”

“Long enough for you to get that blinkin’ snow globe made.”

*

“Hey, Jamie.”

“What, dad?”

“Ya know when we get to your Gran’s and Grandad’s?”

“Yes, dad?”

“Don’t do it, Ryan. And don’t you wink at me… Oh, God! You’re going to, aren’t you?”

“Jamie, when we get to your Gran’s and Grandad’s, ask them about the ornament on the shelf with the two policemen in it.”

“You are going straight to Hell, Ryan Wilkes.”

“I know, Jenny. I know.”

*

“What’s that, Grandad?”

“What’s… what, pet?”

“This thingy, with the policemen standing in the snow?”

Maggie and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes, and grinned. It seemed that this story was one I would never live down.