I swear it won’t happen again

I have just sworn one at one of my students. It just happened so quickly, I snapped. She was being so annoying and I've been on edge all week. I’m so exhausted from the whole process of leaving. Farewells, endless exchanges, everyone asking me what my plans are. I’ve been counting down the days for an entire year. It was my goal to go with grace and not be a big blubbering mess. Stay calm and centred Jennifer, you can do this. In fact that was my mantra. Is my mantra. Up until a minute ago. I even wrote little notes for myself and stuck them everywhere, in case I forgot. 

This is really bad. Actually, it's a total disaster. In my 30 years of teaching, I've never put a foot wrong. Well that’s not entirely true. I lost a student in the middle of the city once during an excursion. It was early in my career, and I wasn’t that great at head counts. Plus, I got arrested mid-range drink driving some years back. Now don’t get all judgey on me, I had good reason to be out that night. I was trying to pick up my daughter who been left behind at a party by that horrible mother who claimed she no longer had room for her in her car. So of course I went into auto pilot and picked her up. Rather, tried to pick her up, and got arrested on the way. The judge, incredibly, let me go with a Section 10. Basically that means I have no criminal record. Except maybe now. Is swearing at a a child an offence? 

I cannot think straight. My right temple is beginning to pound. Teachers have an internal switch that somehow prevents them from saying everything that pops into their head. We don’t speak in draft we speak in edit. For some reason though, my switch flicked off. Oh god. 

It has been a long day. It started with Jacob refusing to come into class, preferring instead to practice his tightrope walking along the banister on the railing outside the classroom. The students were far more interested in him than me. Who could blame them ? I can’t compete with Jacob. Before school I got bailed up by Carolyn Sedgwick, who, as always, has a lot to say about everything. Today it was about the bus, her daughter, Kaliesha and teasing. Yesterday it was about her daughter, Evelyn and stealing friendship bracelets. Most teachers had perfected their escape whenever they saw her coming, but for me, today wasn’t one of those days.  

Then Tully vomited all over the new carpet and we were out of that powder that absorbs  it, and the cleaner wasn't due for hours. So that left me to clean it up. 

And all of this happened before the first break. 

The day kept going on like that. Malachi had a meltdown in maths because he didn't understand what I was trying to teach. claiming, ‘my brain is dead and I hate this. I hate school and I also think this is boring’ . I was outraged. I pride myself on my maths lessons. They are fun and engaging and I spend hours on the weekend making my slides, choosing fun videos to insert here and there. I even include dance breaks for heaven sakes, not to mention hours of laminating brightly coloured games. My maths lessons are far from boring. That really hurt Malachi.

Then at second break, a ruckus broke out during big ball soccer, which is not surprising, as it can be brutal. It is hugely popular, but requires close supervision, i.e. me. It's basically soccer with a giant exercise ball. It requires a high degree of agility and  grit, as heading balls that size is not easy, and you have to be prepared to take a hit. Which Kye was definitely not prepared to do today. Sam missed the ball and kicked his head instead, or close to it, depending on who you talked to. The substitute teacher on duty didn't know what to do and ran to the staffroom instead to fetch me. I was trying to recalibrate as I woofed down my sandwich, before the warning bell. Fortunately, it was a whole lot of yelling and not much more, a bit of pushing and shoving, but easy to deal with. My nerves, by this stage are frayed, and I should have rethought my collage project with Year 2 to finish off the day.

Then I swore at Marley. I don't know what overcame me. Paper, glue, glitter everywhere. No surface spared. Twenty eight year olds, all wanting me at the same time. All I could hear was Miss Miss Miss. Thats when I said it. I’m too ashamed to even write it here. It wasn't that bad, actually, no, it was. I did not need to see the look of horror on their little faces to know what I just did. It's 20 minutes to pack up time. I'm trying to regain some composure. I move around the room dutifully now trying to be extra helpful.

I'm going through the possible options in my head as we start to pack up.

I'm sorry, June, but Marley was being so annoying and you have no idea about the day I had. So I said something inappropriate.

I'm sorry, June. I'm just telling you calling to tell you that I told Marley to be quiet today. Well they weren’t the actual words, but….

I am an esteemed member of this school community, a leader, if you will, just last week, everybody was singing my praises and this is how I'm going to end my career. A disgraced teacher who swore it a child in the last week of school.

I hear a noise, getting louder and more insistent. As if I don’t have enough to deal with right now. Then I find myself in bed. I start to pat myself, just to be sure. It takes me a few moments to become fully awake, to realise that this has all been a dream!

I get up to make my tea, staring at the note on the fridge.

Stay calm and centred Jennifer, you can do this.