My Flower

I loved the way the flowers blended in a sea of roses, Lillies, and daisies. They were so beautiful, but I loved the person giving me them far more. 

He looked up and smiled and only then did I start to notice the wide grin already stamped on my face, far wider than I could’ve ever faked. And before Nate, my smile was always fake. But it had been a long time since I’d had to pretend to be happy. There was something about his brown eyes, crooked smile and perfect flowers that made me fall harder than I thought possible. 

We met straight out of college and I wasn’t really looking for a relationship at all. In fact my father had just passed away and I wasn’t quite looking for anything. Maybe a short relief from the constant pain I was in. Maybe I truly was seeking out some form of ladder to pull me from my dark and lonely hole. But I certainly didn’t know it. And I really didn’t make it easy on Nate but he was persistent and yet patient. I couldn’t help falling for him. 

“Why thank you, good sir”, I said taking the colourful assortment of flowers out of Nate’s struggling hands. He was also holding my bag and attempting to keep my apartment door from instinctively slamming shut. The least I could do was take the bouquet from him. “You’re ever so welcome, m’dam”. I placed the flowers in the vase Nate made for me on our first date. He was an art major and took me to his place of work, it wasn’t quite up my alley but I let him show me his ways and he was so kind and loving with me that day. He even told me and my crumbling vase that we had promise. But I kept his extravagent piece and even though he has made me so many more artworks and sculptures, this one will always be my favourite. 

We fell asleep later that night watching old rom-coms he knows I love and closed my eyes knowing I’d never grow tired of the way he makes me feel, the love I have for him, and even though those beautiful flowers may die and eventually fade, our love never will. 

I was on my way home when I got the call. I was walking through the main streets of New York in the rain with no umbrella after just being fired from my job at the university. I thought my life couldn’t get any worse. Now I crave that small heartache. At least then my heart was whole. 

I heard the stupid nursery rhyme that Nate had changed my ringtone to and forced a smile, with all that had gone wrong today at least I knew that I would turn the corner and see his face light up as mine did too and everything would be right with the world. Instead I picked up my phone and answered it, and my smile quickly fade. It was the hospital. And I turned the corner to nothing but more endless darkness and the sound of rain, deafening, but not as loud as my cries. 

My legs ached and my lungs burned but I couldn’t slow down now. I was short enough that I’d always have to quicken my pace when I was around Nate to keep up with him. “Arabella, please stop running next to me”, he’d say in a mocking way but with a kind smile. Nate was tall and lean and did’t ever seem to run out of energy. That was another thing about Henry, he was kind and never failed to brighten a room, he was also very enthusiastic and energetic though, it was what I loved about him. The wind stung me eyes but enough tears came that I could manage, and I wasn’t stopping now, I will never stop chasing him. My long black hair flew behind me, it had fallen out but I have no idea when. My body kept moving but my mind’s broken. I burst through the open doors of the hospital and stumbled to the reception. I think I asked where he was but I am dazed and confused and my minds gone all foggy. I found the door but my hands had become so heavy that I had to heave the door open. There he was, on the bed, lying with his eyes closed. Next to him lie a collection of flowers, some were pink, others red, yellow, or even white, but there were too many. I wish there was no reason for flowers, they can be beautiful, but I don’t like them being next to him, not here, not now. I wish we were in a fairytale, I wish that I could kiss him and he would wake, he would see the hurt in my eyes and then the relief and love, he would tell me it’s okay and all would be right in the world. But instead I fall beside him and hear a prolonged beeping from a machine and I know what’s happened. I see what he sees. I see his memories and his life unfold before me as a collection of images, sounds and feelings. I see me, but mostly I see him, his kind face and soft auburn eyes. I feel his warmth running through my body and I feel his smile as though it were right next to me, instead of the corpse that lay still and quiet, so unlike him. I love flowers. Nate did too. It was where we got married, in a field next to where he grew up. It was full of sunflowers, there were his favourite flowers. And I think that if sunflowers could feel, or see and hear, they would be glad to be loved by such a person as Nate. But no one brought him sunflowers, and that made me so unbelievably mad. All of these memories are worth so much more now that he has no more to be made, so why could none of these people see what I saw. Did no one love him enough to give him the happiness and harmony he saw in the world. In the sunflowers. This world doesn’t deserve Nate. But that doesn’t mean he deserved to leave it. I looked back up at him, half expecting him to smile or wink at me, just some form of reassurance, but I could never see that, no matter how hard I imagined, and I didn’t want to remember him like this. I manage to break a smile through me tears, I feel Nate all around me in this room, I feel him in the daisies surrounding his hand and the roses to match his exposed blood. And I feel him in my heart. I reach out and take hold of his cold, lifeless hand. I can’t begin to imagine how the world can keep turning now.

Soon I’m in black, in the rain, talking to people, I hadn’t done that in a while. I knew this day would have to come and I had done him no favours by putting it off for so long. So I told his stories and shared laughs, but mostly tears. It felt like the world had ended, but only his world. Mine will go on, and it must, for him. For my sunflower.