Inner Illumination

    Lydia looked at her guests.  She knew they hadn’t been pleased when she suggested that Morgan play the flute for them.  She supposed they saw that as a musical version of someone bringing out their child’s baby photos, or travel pictures.  But, they agreed out of sheer politeness.

    And it paid off.  Because the only sound was the music coming from Morgan’s instrument.  And each person was listening with a rapt look on their faces.  

    That was the magic of Morgan’s talent.  Lydia knew that the flute wasn’t the most popular instrument and the type of music she played was also not the kind you listened to at parties.  She hadn’t understood why Morgan had been drawn to it.  But when she asked to learn, Lydia being a good mother, bought her one and got her lessons.  And when she heard the melodies that Morgan played with such ease, she knew she had made the right decision.  Because no matter how you felt originally about the idea of hearing someone play the flute, once you heard Morgan play, you became a fan.

    With that kind of gift, it would be a crime to not use it. And if you couldn’t make the argument that it actually was a crime, well then, it should be one.  Morgan had the kind of skill that could ensure fame.  Maybe fortune.  If not fortune, certainly a way to make a living.  But, she wouldn't be able to do that if no one heard her. So, this was a test run.  And it was succeeding marvelously.

    Well, except for one thing.  The experience was much better if you closed your eyes.  Because then, you could only hear the golden tones Morgan made with the flute.  Then you couldn’t see the absolute sour expression on her face.  She didn’t look like she was doing something she loved.  She looked like she was in pain and like she was planning revenge on everyone who put her in that position.

    Lydia just couldn’t understand it.  It wasn’t as if Morgan hated playing.  She never tried to skip a lesson.  In fact, she had once cried because Lydia couldn’t drive her to her lesson when it was storming.  And she practiced all the time.  It seemed like she would rather play than eat or sleep.  So why was she now acting like playing the flute was some horrific punishment?

    Lydia had planned to have Morgan play two pieces.She was going to say something along the lines of “just one more piece.  We don’t want to bore everyone.”  And because Morgan would have already seen how not bored they were, Lydia would have winked at her.  It would be a private joke they would share.  And it would fit the old saying, ‘always leave them wanting more’.  She even had dreams of that being Morgan’s signature move once she was giving concerts to sold out audiences.  That when they were clamoring “more! More!” she would say she didn’t want them to get tired of her and end the concert.  And because she would be so beloved, the audience would be disappointed, but willing to come back for the next concert.

    Now, the expression on her daughter’s face was interfering with Lydia’s enjoyment of the music.  She wondered if she just imagined the enjoyment the guests were feeling.  Maybe they were faking to be polite.     

    “Okay, that’s enough,” she told Morgan when the last notes faded away.  She felt she sounded abrupt, as if she hadn’t wanted Morgan to play in the first place.  

    The guests appeared to sense the mood and started to leave.  They complimented Morgan on her playing, but they didn’t sound as enthusiastic as Lydia thought they would have if the atmosphere wasn’t so grim.

    As she was shutting the door behind her last guest, Lydia glanced at the night sky.  It was pitch black with no stars and clouds covering the moon.  The gloom was a perfect accompaniment to how she felt.

    “What was that all about?” she asked Morgan, after locking up.

    “Why did you make me play?” Morgan asked.

    “Make you play?  What suddenly you don’t like playing the flute?”

    “Not like that.  Not in front of people,” Morgan said, arms folded.

    It didn’t make any sense.  “You play for your music teacher.  I guess he’s not a person.  And I hear you play around the house.  But, I guess I’m not a person either.”

    “That’s different!  Mr. Hutchinson is my teacher.  And he’s just one person.  Not a bunch of people I’m supposed to perform for.”

    “Well, when you give concerts you’ll have to play for a bunch of people.  This was nothing compared to how many you will be playing for.  It was just supposed to ease you into it.”

    Morgan looked horrified.  “Who said I was going to be playing in concerts?”

    Now Lydia really didn’t know what was happening.  “Well then, what are you playing the flute for?  All the practicing and playing and lessons.  What is all of it for?!”

    “You don’t get it,” Morgan said.  She turned and stomped her way to her room.

    Lydia was tempted to follow her and continue the discussion.  But, she was tired and the night had given her a headache.  She knew if she went to talk to Morgan now, it would turn into an argument.  It probably already was one.  No sense in making it even worse.  The night was already ruined.  Why punish herself more? 

    The next morning, Lydia woke to a sound that she had subconsciously been afraid she would never hear again.  Flute music.  After the way they had left things last night, she wondered if Morgan would give up playing.

    She went to Morgan’s room.   The door was open part way, and she peered in.  Morgan’s eyes were closed, so she didn’t see her.  

    Lydia listened, but just like the night before, she also watched.  And it was as if she was looking at a completely different person.  Morgan looked relaxed and blissful.  And completely unselfconscious.

    Lydia began to understand.  Morgan played for herself.  She was the most at home when she wasn’t thinking of others or trying to impress them.  She probably didn’t consider Mr Hutchinson or Lydia an audience.  Just two people who understood her love of music and the joy it brought her.

    The sunlight shone through the window, brightening the room.  Lydia felt that her understanding of her daughter had also been illuminated.  She tiptoed away, giving her daughter the chance to play just for herself, just for the sheer love of playing.