Be careful what you wish for... eventually, it will come true!

I just wanna be like them. Different. But not me. That’s for sure. It just doesn`t feel right. It hurts so much. The pain in my chest. No one prepared me for that. Oh my god, it's tearing me apart. Ripping in half. I wanna get rid of my skin that feels so strange. But it doesn`t work. I tried so hard. If you could see me now, you would see the scars.

She is the one who doesn’t love herself on top of the world or in the depths of despair. She feels lost caught up in her fears of not being perfect. Looking into the mirror means seeing a stranger falling apart.

I hate myself. For all the reasons. For all the people around me, but the most for myself. The pain in my chest wants to burst. The fear that lives within my veins is driving me crazy. Brings me to the black forest deep down in hell, meaningless. The darkness surrounding me. Senseless. All days are countless. Hopeless. I am useless.

She only sees the beautiful women on the street who seem flawless, famous, precious, innocent, fearless, reckless, gorgeous, full of bliss. Happiness. Limitless.

I wanna be like them. Thin and perfect. I am feeling so fat. Argh dirty. Guilty. Full of shame and disgusted under my skin. Tears are running down my chin.

She insults and hurts herself. Because she feels so worthless. She cries, and she is silent, and she starves and loses herself in her sorrow of never being satisfied. She fights. But not for her rights against herself.

I am lost. Lost in my thoughts. The monsters in my head, telling me all that stuff. Tell me to run. To run away from myself. I wish I would be like them. Thin under my skin. When I look into the mirror, I see a stranger. I am in danger. Who is this woman. Dark under her eyes. Empty in her shell. No passion to thrive? I only wanna be loved. By someone. Better by mum and dad. But they are not around. Never really have been. It hurts so much. A child had to grow up on its own. Oh, how reckless is that!? I will never win the fight. Will never get it right.

I am Amanda. Amanda Jones. Welcome in my world. The world is full of pain. That’s me talking to my shadow. This is the only conversation I have, but it always ends like that. I am sicker. Life is harder. I am darker. Taken by the monster. Deeper. I mean, it can`t be so hard, I know that it isn’t meant to be like that. But I don’t see the way back. Back to my track. Maybe I am blind. Blinded by the pain in my head. Tears are running down my cheeks, burning my lips. I wanna be like them. Thin. And loved. Perfect within. So, I am praying hard. It’s the only thing I can think of. Pictures rising in my head. A woman. Thin like a flower stem. Perfect as a diadem around a naked neck.

But while I am dreaming, I am still in my world full of pain. It`s dark. And it hurts so much. Can you imagine falling apart?! How can someone like me turn the world around alone? Voices in my head: >You are alone. There is no hope for the unknown.< Looking out of the window, my head rested on my pillow. Restless. I am feeling nervous. My nervous system is getting crazy. The doctor said I should take these sedative drops to calm down. That’s what I do. I did already a few times. I lost track. But I don’t care. I wanna get rid of this feeling in my chest. The pain in my heart. I am running around like crazy. From one spot to the other. But it's not getting better.

Suddenly, I hear a knock on my door. A knock that is pounding like crazy like my heartbeat. Am I getting crazy? Driving mad in my head? I am scared to open the door. Don’t wanna let more monsters in. But there is a voice. Does it come from outside, or is it in my head? A child`s voice. Crying. >I am left alone. In this world, I am so alone. It hurts so much. Please help me.< Please help me repeats. So, I am getting up from the chair, walking like a ghost to the door. open it to look on the floor. A little girl with tears in her eyes and a voice like hell crying stands before me. She takes my hand and leads me to another land. I follow. Full in trance, taking another dose of the sedative drops.

From the unease and worry to a calm and doesn`t matter attitude in the foggy blurry.

It is quiet. Totally still. My head is pounding. Yeah, maybe it's not a real pounding more a fluttering of thousands of butterflies. I open my eyes but can`t see anything. It is dark. Pitch black. >Where is my window?< I turn my head left and right. I wanna reach for my bedside lamp, but I can`t move my hand. My arms are tied. Somehow tied down. I twitch and jerk. My legs, too. Tied down. >Am I chained up?!< Panic rises inside me. It rattles in my head. Just seconds that felt like hours. >Where am I. What has happened?!< nothing. I can`t remember. But then I hear a scream and realize that this scream is rising from my body. I tremble, my body shakes. Nothing can hold me anymore. I scream and scream. I fear for my life. Then, all of a sudden, a light shines into the darkness. It shines brightly. I have to squint my eyes. But I open them again. Two figures enter the room. They are dressed in white and spread a certain unreality. Voices try to penetrate me. >Is that the choir of the goddess? Am I dead awakening in Havens Nest?!< I try to free my body. A touch and a voice. I understand the first words. They speak my language. “Calm down! Everything is fine!” WTF >Everything is fine? How can everything be fine? I am lying here. Shackled and chained up. Wherever. Can`t move. Can´t remember.< I feel defenceless. Naked. >Am, I paralyzed? Have I had an accident? Am I trapped in my own body?< “Uahhh!” I scream because that is the only thing I can do right now. It is as if my brain has been switched off. I can't think straight. The two figures are two men. One of them opens the curtain. My head snaps in this direction. Another light shines into the room. The other man is still standing close to me. Touching my arm. “Calm down. Everything is fine.” >Yes, that’s been said before. I am not deaf. Or slow witted. But how am I supposed to calm down in my current situation?! How would you feel? Yes, let that flow through your system. Not that I want pity, just compassion.< and then I stop screaming for a moment. Try to catch my breath. My heart is racing as if I have run a marathon. My lips are dry. “I am thirsty." I say, speaking for the first time. Scratchy, totally foreign to myself. The voice enters my head again “Calm down. Everything is fine!” But this time she says something else. “Shut up, and I will make you lose. I will loosen the rope.” >He will loosen the rope.< echoes in my head. So, I become still. Play dead. It feels strange to lie here and just surrender to what`s happening while my heart pounds like a jackhammer in my chest. I hardly dare to breathe. I lost control. Don’t know. “So, they are off. But be careful. Slowly. You are free.” >I am free!< It shoots in every cell of my body, and I jump out of the bed. Headless. I run out of the room. Bright light forces me to close my eyes. I am weak on my feet and land on my knee. “Steady.” But I don’t want. I get up again. Standing here, my head feels light as if someone has taken my brain and filled the space with cotton candy.

I open my eyes and see several doors in a blur. The first door is locked. I run to the other ones, but all are locked. I am still trapped. I bang on the door. desperately, I scream, but my voice fails, and I collapse.

It is quiet. My head is pounding. Maybe, it's not a real pounding after all it's more like the fluttering of thousand butterflies in my head. It is dark. I am tired. Really tired. >Am I awake or am I still dreaming?!> My mouth is dry, and my heart beats really fast. I turn to the side and fall out of my bed. >Ouch. Thank god it was just a dream.< I fumble for my bedside lamp. There is a knock on my door. Soft and gentle at first, then a little louder and more intense. Someone enters my room. It can`t be. No one can. A glow of light fills the room, and in this glow is a smartly dressed woman with a briefcase in her hand. >Okay. I am still dreaming!< and climb back into bed. I let myself fall into the pillows with a deep sigh and close my eyes. “Good morning!” A woman`s voice. “I am Mrs. Martin, your lawyer. I am your representor!” I open my eyes abruptly and look her straight in the eyes. Her eyes look a little tired, and yet I see a little sparkle. A sign of life lived in her wrinkles. >What is wrong with me today?< I am asking myself rubbing my eyes. The woman is still sitting there and seems to be waiting for something. I am putting my hands together and kneading my fingers. I see bandages around my wrists. “How are you feeling?” she asks. I look directly into her eyes again and see something like pity and a clouded mood. I am confused. “Where am I. What has happened?!” I look at her questioning. “You tried to take your own life. You are here because of the tried suicide.” As the woman speaks, her eyes drop. “An ambulance was alerted. You ran confused around the city.” I close my eyes. I feel so tired. “You are so tired. You must have wandered around for hours. They had to give you an injection to calm you down.” I take a deep breath. “Your wrists are scratched open!” She continues. “Luckily someone heard you screaming and called an ambulance.” The thousand butterflies are still fluttering around my head. “I can't remember.” I whisper. She gets up and walks towards the door. then she turns around: “You will be presented to the judge later. He has to decide what to do next!” I am left alone.

Hours later, I was standing in front of the judge. “Sit down,” the man says without looking at me. He introduces himself, but I forget his name within seconds. >Or was I not even listening?< It doesn't really matter what his name is. >I don't care!< I tick it off in my head. I take a seat. While the judge reads through the neat lady's papers, I ramble on with the few thoughts buzzing around in my head. >I've taken the drops.< is the first thought that comes to mind. >And a huge amount!< is the second. But no matter how hard I try and review my day over and over again, I only ever get to the point where I call out to the girl and shout, “I feel so alone too!” Then everything turns. Blackout. The darkness gets even darker, and I wake up in it again. I look her straight in the face. Bam. The darkness captivates me and makes visible that there is something inside me. Images. Thoughts. Memories. The fear. The panic. The feeling of being alone. Of helplessness and losing control. Of not being good enough, and am I even wanted? Whether day or night. All of these imprints never go away. They are burned into my heart like a tattoo on my skin. Yes, the darkness makes it harder to see and makes you fall to your knees more often, but it only masks the outside. What is inside me becomes clear. And that's why it scares me so much. That's exactly what I don't wanna see, hear, smell, taste, or feel. Everything that has happened can stay where it is. Safely locked away in a place with a key that no longer exists.

Then I feel a warm hand on my shoulder. “Here's a handkerchief. Your lip is bleeding,” says the woman who is representing me. Ha, how that sounds, as if I'm not able to speak for myself! >Can I?< I ask myself. >If I don't even know what happened, can I even speak clearly for myself?< I lick my tongue over my lips, and sure enough, I taste blood. I must have been too dogged during my train of thoughts. “So, Ms. Jones, what happened?” the judge suddenly asks. >If I knew, I'd be a lot clearer myself,< but I say out loud: “I can't remember!” “In view of the facts and the fact that you don't remember, I can't and won't accept responsibility and hereby order 7 weeks in a closed ward!” With that, he packs up the papers and says without looking into my eyes: “Goodbye!” Somehow, I imagined the situation of sitting in front of a judge to be much more spectacular. Not that I would have hoped for that. But a little more attention, drum roll, ballyhoo, and the hammer, of course. I notice how my hands and feet start to tingle and slowly go numb. It's a feeling of dissolving. Like I'm crumbling to dust. But not quickly, as I would like, but very, very slowly. In super slow motion. “Is there anything else?” The man looks up for the first time. I see it in the corner of my eye. I also lift my head and look at him. Our eyes meet for a brief moment.

One day, after so many weeks, naked as she is, thin as paper, she looks in the mirror and sees her body that is broken. Desolated and sad, she puts a hand on her chest and feels that there is still a spark of life as a beating sound.

The last weeks have been pretty much the same. Waking up just after dawn. Refusing the medication that was given. They make me even feel less like me. The side effects are even worse. Sitting quite in a room full of people. Looking. Observing. Not eating. Or eating and vomiting. I never thought about that. It just started as if that is the normal thing.

Now, seeing myself in the mirror for the first time in 7 weeks, I get a fright. A dead ghost is looking back. >Is that me? Really me?!< I turn around to see my skin. My body. Finally, thin. In my head, the voices >Be careful what you wish for eventually, it will come true.< It did. >I am finally thin, but I am not looking perfect. I look wreaked. Sick. I am feeling sad. Sad for the woman I have become. That’s what I wanted, and it took only a few weeks. I never thought I could destroy my body even more. “Are you ready to go? You are released. The 7 weeks are over.” The nurse says. >Where shall I go, and what shall I do?!”

It's so sad that she can`t see it. That she is blinded by her own sorrows. She never wanted to end her life. She was desperate. Trauma is deep, and it hurts so much. But maybe you can see it. Her light.

She shines. In her own way. Very quietly. Yes, she shines in twenty thousand colours. See how she shines. I will tell her how beautiful, perfect she already is. Every person here on earth has their own story to heal. It's not the end. Not for her and not for you. Her next wish is to become truly herself.