Beyond Herself

She didn’t know whether to be privileged or embarrassed as the usual scenes of airport activity passed her by: People arranging flights, suitcases rolling by, passengers waiting to board, busy airline desk lines, and crowded food courts. Unlike everyone else, she perceived all this from the seat of a moving courtesy shuttle until the aroma of coffee shifted her attention to the café now almost out of walking distance.

She had the shuttle driver stop and thanked him. He offered to help her with her carry-on but she politely declined and struggled along with her throbbing ankle to the café.

A good cup of coffee would offer the calming effect and slight energy she needed after her curbside-challenge at Departures where a quick stumble resulted in the ride to the terminal. Finding the perfect vantage point to enjoy her coffee and the busy airport would be much appreciated, considering she hadn’t been to the airport or flown in years. 

Perhaps a cushioned corner chair with an end table to give her that home coziness quality. Her own personal comfort zone to simultaneously admire from and escape to on one of the busiest travel days of the year. She usually spent this week enjoying the holiday, decorating and shopping with family and friends but this year was different. She left upstate New York the day after Thanksgiving to visit her parents in Cleveland.

Flying on the Sunday after Thanksgiving meant higher airfares, returning to the nine-to-five grind the next day, and dealing with large airport crowds. She had paid the airfare, round trip from New York to Cleveland, accepted the immediate return to work, and would fight the crowd, if she had too. 

Now her vantage point was a stationary one, the corner cafe seat, with cushion and end table as she desired. Her airport-people watching continued though now in a succession of snapshots that didn’t fade away in seconds from the swift golf cart-like shuttle that brought her here. Now the scenes were more like a Norman Rockwell Painting set in the everyday life of travelers in an airport that she could admire in more detail.

A flight crew strolled by confidently with carry-ons that seemed to move effortlessly at their sides. She would have to get one of those on her journey to becoming the seasoned traveler she always wanted to be. Two men speaking in another language at the bar seemed like they were arguing until they both laughed and drank their beers. So many professionals in business suits with phones and laptops finishing up last minute details before their flights. Maybe that was the answer: Become a business professional living out of airports and five star hotels.

Despite the potential distraction of her new surroundings she could not escape it. The theme of betrayal and infidelity underlying her mental landscape for some time now had surfaced once again. It was obvious now that she must address it to begin the healing process. Going to her parents for a few days after Thanksgiving was supposed to help. She realized that leaving mean’t taking some things with you, like those that mattered most, like those that hurt the most.

She cherished the time spent with her parents in the home she grew up in. After she was settled in and they had time to talk, her mother knew that something was deeply bothering her. They helped her as much as they could and she was grateful for it. Leaving today was not easy. They agreed on another trip in the spring, This time they would visit her. 

Now her enjoyment of a mere respite at an airport seemed unfairly frivolous compared to her lingering emotional pain. The inner conflict was more intense than the hustle and bustle of travel and the excitement of everyone in the terminal waiting to board their flights. She wondered how this was possible.

Until now she had purposefully avoided the friend in question and would only be civil to her in public when at gatherings or functions. Now she knew the only way to heal was to confront this great source of life changing tension when she returned home. 

Tears involuntarily swelled up in her eyes only to subside quickly, almost instantly, almost forgettably, like it never happened, when a flutter of energy pulsed through the terminal at the sight of the word CANCELLED in red letters appearing for all flights on the display boards.

Announcements were made, phones were buzzing with notifications, calls, and texts, and people reacted with everything from panic and fear to disbelief and despair.

The place where people went to escape it all, to break the monotony of everyday life, to exceed the limitations of gravity, was now a place where they probably couldn’t leave by taxi if they wanted to. They were trapped and going nowhere until further notice.

Her temporary comfort zone complete with end table and a hot cup of coffee now seemed more permanent. A clarity formed in this unexpected circumstance and she was present in a way she hadn’t experienced in a long time. That mental landscape of betrayal that burdened her so much was gone, like it never existed. Even her throbbing ankle didn’t feel so bad. Her emotional and physical pain was gone and replaced with a clear mind not weighed down or overthought with anything in the past.

Though many were frustrated. She felt relieved and carefree. She slipped off her shoes, put them next to her chair, and took the final sips of her coffee. She strolled through the terminal to the display board to check her flight though she really didn’t need to. There was nothing to do now except wait.

As she walked through the middle of the terminal she heard rumblings that systems were down and that it could take a few hours or a few days, and that no one was really sure of anything. Lines were forming everywhere to have flights rearranged. Some seemed to adjust well and others were clearly upset.

She stopped just a ways from her cozy chair and end table and took a moment to reflect. It took being trapped in an airport where people fly all over the world to escape her past and go beyond herself.