goodbye

I couldn't see anything. It was dark and a little chilly, but that's how it usually is in April in New York City. I'm walking down an alley, and I keep turning my head at every little noise. I finally get out of the alley, and it's still dark, but I don't hear the bustling of cars anymore or the yelling of cab drivers. I hear only silence, and there's something else....is that crickets? I keep walking until I feel the grass under my feet. I don't think I'm in New York anymore.

I walk through the woods to find a clear meadow with the moon bright in the sky shining down, making the glass glow, and in the middle of the field is a figure. I start walking closer until I get close enough to see a man tall and broad with dark hair and a chiseled jaw and a freckle on his left that looks like...like no, no, it can't be...Hayden? I start tearing up, I run toward him, and he slightly turns his head and then smiles as I jump into his arms, he holds me tightly, and I forgot what it was like to be held in his embrace. We stayed like that for a few moments, me crying into his shirt, leaving a wet spot. We finally pull apart and he smiled and looks over me " hey Livvy, how you been?" he smiles and I laugh over my tears " oh Hayden" I hold his face in my hands" I've missed you so much" I look down and start crying again, he takes my face in his hands and tilts my head upward" I'm right here okay, Im right here" he says while stroking my hair, " now you aren't here to cry, were here to talk and have some fun" he lights up, I give him a confused look " what do you mean? theirs nothing to do here" he tsk's his finger "i know some places, dont be so closed off" he chuckles and grabs my hand he turns toward me " now we run throuh the field and grasp the air like its our last moment on this earth" i smile and we run all the way to the edge of the field and i hadnt noticed there was a lake, " what do we do now?" he starts pulling off his shirt " we swim, silly" he's too fast he's under the water already, I start pulling off my shirt then my pants, so I'm left in my underwear I run after him and jump in my head goes under the water and i can't help but stay there for a few seconds forgetting everything.

Forgetting that he died,

Forgetting the hospital,

Forgetting the painful thoughts that came afterward,

Forgetting the crying so that after a while started burning my eyes,

Forgetting that nothings normal anymore,

Forgetting therapy,

Forgetting everything

Forgetting him...

Then I come up, and he's there looking up at the sky. I smile, he looks over toward me " oh good, you didn't drown, I thought maybe you forgot how to swim" he laughs I splash him " oh yeah, you idiot if you thought I drowned, why didn't you come after me?" he shrugs "figured you needed some time" I didn't know what he meant. Still, I shrugged it off and swam toward him. I looked up. The stars were beautiful. In New York, you can't see the stars. He finally broke the silence "okay, time to take you somewhere else, let's go" I nodded, and we swam back.

We finally had our clothes on and started walking along the shore line that was headed toward some trees " where are we going?" he gave me a little smirk "you'll see" he started skipping and i knew it too well "okay what do you have planned?" he stopped " whatever do you mean" it wasn't really a question he knew what i was thinking, he always did " you skip when your excited or being mischievous" i crossed my arms " so which is it?" he smirked " just follow, smalls" my heart stopped, he hadn't called me that in so long, i hadn't realized my feet had also stopped until he came over and threw me over his shoulder, i shrieked "put me down!!" i giggled and started kicking my legs and arms " put me down" then he slapped my ass causing me to gasp, "NO Hayden, no no no" he laughed " put me down now!" he sighed "okay okay but you need to hurry your ass up cause your slow and were not going to make it for sunrise if you keep being slow" he slid his hands over my legs going upwards slowly letting me down and when he reached my waist he plopped me down and his hands lingered on my waist for a few moments as we stared into each others eyes, those deep hazel eyes that i've missed so much sparkling with the moonlight, then it broke and we started walking again, and I grabbed his hand and started skipping and instead of letting go and not matching my energy, he held my hand tighter and started skipping with me, we smiled and laughed and this give me memories of the good old days, before everything. We finally arrived and it...it was magical it was a little cliff overlooking an ocean with waves smashing against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff that looks dangerous, very dangerous if you were to fall. I looked at Hayden " what is this place?" he walked toward the edge of the cliff " Its my safe place" I gave him a puzzled look " why didn't we just swim here?" he didn't turn around to look at me he just said "too dangerous" i walked over too him " so what did we come here for?" I smiled, he sat down with his legs dangling over the edge, the sun was just around the corner about to come up, " we came here to watch the sunrise, now sit down you don't want to miss it" i sat down right next to him careful not to sit to close to the edge, "I come here everyday" i looked at him, he was staring at the sun that was coming up " its just too beautiful too miss, this is how I'm living my life....to the fullest" he took a deep breath in " In my own ways" I stared at the sun that was peaking up now and then a shock ran through me, it was like a burst of reality, then it slowed down and I looked at Hayden with shock written all over my face and a single tear coming down my cheek "your dead" he doesn't turn to me "your dead, this isn't real" I grab my head and start breathing heavy, I can't breath, I'm having an anxiety attack. He grabs my hands "breath" his calm voice soothes me "breath" I calm down and then look at him again " how are you here, Hayden?" he sighs "Hayden, this isn't real I saw you... I saw you-" i start crying tears running fast over my cheeks " i saw you get hit, we said goodbye to each other and then you were walking backward while looking at me then turned around and started walking across the street and you....you didn't see the car coming around the corner it was too fast!" Im looking at the sun now watching it rise, while the tears fall into my lap " i screamed at you,you turned around and it was too late, you were smiling but the car...the car hit you" he grabs my hand "I know" i shake his hand off " what do you mean you know!!" i stood up shocked and angry "you have to accept what happened to me Livvy" I shake my head no no no " Livvy, I died and i know it, and you know it" why am i reliving him " this is you accepting what's happened, this is us saying goodbye, so goodbye , I say goodbye to you, goodbye to my best friend, goodbye to the best part of my life, goodbye to the girl i fell for, goodbye Livvy." i look up and whisper one last time "goodbye Hayden....." it feels like a whisper in the wind, the whistling of a tree, the chirping of a bird and the last cricket chirping stops, i sink to the ground he's gone and a part of me left with him, and a part of me wishes i could go with him,but that's not what he would have wanted. The sun shined bright over the water and I decided I will live on.

I will live one for me.

I will live on for Hayden.

I will live on for our friendship.

And don't worry, Hayden, I will tell my kids about you, about my best friend.

Goodbye Hayden