Spinning Time Zones

A rapidly spinning globe can turn a 24 hour period into the tiniest fractions of a second. Watching one in action has always fascinated me. There is just something so spectacularly soothing about watching globes spin. The blues, greens, and browns blur into a marvelous, albeit murky, uniform shade. The continents blend into one, a humbling reminder of how our lands were once connected. How the world is so big, yet at the same time so small. Here in front of me now, I watch as it slows down, from Oceania through Africa to South America and back again. It is only logical that a globe should spin from west to east, following its natural anti-clockwise rotation. I prepare to boost its pace again, but at the last moment my finger moves to the right, sending the globe spinning the other way.

My husband Roberto passed away last week, leaving an eternal hole in my heart, my soul and my entire world. He died the way he lived; youthful, radiant and genuinely content. Lying on his death bed, moments before he peacefully slipped away from our journey together on Earth, he gathered the last of his strength to give me one final smile. "You know, my dear," he whispered. "I think back fondly on all the memories we have created, the adventures we have shared. Yet nothing ever made me more content than our sweet minutes spent in bed, side by side on a quiet Sunday morning, thinking we had the world at our feet and all the time in the universe".

We really had shared the most beautiful experiences, especially in those last months we had together. Roberto was and continues to be the most intrepid spirit I have ever known. He insisted on traveling until his legs could no longer bear his weight; and even then, he tried to keep going. We traveled with the same wanderlust we had always had, though something felt undeniably different. The elephant in the room simply would not stop looking at its watch. These trips would be our last, our time was running out. But in parallel, something incredible happened. Somehow, the greatest curse of our lives became a blessing in those months. Knowing the end was imminent made us appreciate every moment. Of course, it forced us to make the most of each hike, each swim in the ocean, each picnic in the park on a sunny afternoon. Whether we were drinking tea in the mountains of Sri Lanka, admiring the architecture of Spain's old churches, or throwing snowballs in the Canadian winter; we knew to absorb every last moment. But more importantly, we came to truly value the very things we always took for granted. Every morning that saw us both waking up, no matter where we were in the world, was another rotation of the Earth around its own axis. Another day that Roberto had defied the odds against him.

Roberto had refused treatment, a decision that at first not only caused me great grief, but also angered me to my core. How could he choose death over his soon-to-be-adult son, the apple of his eye? Over me, over the love that belonged to both of us? For the first time since the start of our relationship, I thought him unbelievably selfish. These thoughts tormented me for days. Maybe his decision troubles you too. But if you knew Roberto like I did, you would understand. Roberto was the biggest believer in the ways of nature. In his mind, the fact that world could only intrinsically spin in a single direction represented the premise underlying the ebb and flow that is life itself. Roberto believed that we had to take the good with the bad and embrace all that the universe had in mind for us. Things happen as they should, so who are we to interfere with plans designed beyond our control by forces much greater than any of us?

My husband’s views on the world manifested themselves years earlier, too, when we tried for a second child. For me, finding out we could not conceive naturally again shattered my spirit and triggered emotions darker than I had ever felt prior. I so desperately desired a younger sibling for our son, Atlas; a new baby to care for and complete our family. Now, my vision of the perfect life that should have been ours was falling apart before my eyes.

Roberto, on the other hand, met this experience with positivity and a newfound appreciation for what was already in front of us. My attempts to convince him merely to consider surrogacy or IVF failed. “My dear,” he whispered. “We have each other. We have the most exceptional little boy. You are my two greatest gifts and I am forever grateful. I do not need anything more. And I know that as we continue to grow our love within our little bubble, you will find you need nothing more too.” I looked over at 10-year-old Atlas. In an instant, a blanket of tranquility covered me and the pain faded away once and for all.

Our son Atlas was Roberto’s pride and joy, there was no question about it. The spitting image of his father, Atlas carried our entire world within him much like the Titan after whom he was named. God, I wish you had seen Roberto’s love for Atlas. Throughout Atlas’ childhood he never missed a single soccer game, a single piano concert or even a single family dinner. Roberto ignited our son’s love for exploration of the outdoors and instilled in him a curiosity that stretched to all aspects of his life. For years, Roberto had looked forward to taking Atlas on the greatest of experiences once he graduated from school and was old enough. Neither of them could have imagined what was to come.

Now, you must understand that despite being a warm and passionate being, Roberto was not one to overtly express his feelings. The emotional anchor in our relationship was always me. Roberto did not cry as he was dying. He did not cry towards the end, when he was in excruciating pain every waking moment, constantly yearning for the short yet sweet relief only sleep could provide at that point. Hell, Roberto did not even tear up watching his first and only child come into the world. The only time I ever saw Roberto cry was at our wedding, telling our guests about the first time we locked eyes. There was nothing extraordinary about how we met; in fact, it was so unremarkable that I cannot bring myself to bore you with the details. But that is exactly what made Roberto’s out-pour of emotion that day so special. Describing a chance occurrence that in itself meant close to nothing, though ultimately changed both of our paths.

My daydream is suddenly interrupted by reality and my feet land softly on the ground. Delving so deep into the past will be the miserable end of me. I focus my attention back on the globe, watching as it spins through its natural eastward course, from Oceania through Africa to South America and back again. The only logical way for a globe to spin.

A gentle, angelic voice creeps up behind me. "Geography major?" I look up - and that is when I see him for the first time. The most handsome young man I have ever caught sight of, with the kindest look in his deep, dark brown eyes. Dumbfounded and unable to utter a word, I nod slowly. "Me too. I'm Roberto, and you?"