We All Need A Little Grace

   I sit in the bay window of my room, mourning the loss of the life the girl I once knew. Her spirit had left me long ago, but I am just now feeling the effects of her absence. I made a big mistake that I only made because the girl I once knew fled from me with reckless abandon. Without an ounce of consideration for who I'd be without her. She left me because she didn't like being ignored. And I can't say for certain that that's not what I've been doing to her. Not since he steamrolled back into my life. She's never liked that man. Because of who he turned me into when he decided to drop back into my life. She gave me an ultimatum. Myself as I once knew me, or him, and whoever he turned me into this time. I didn't know about the note she'd left on my heart until it was too late. And now, I have to suffer the consequences. And, oh what consequences those will be. All because I went for a walk that night.  

......

   I wasn't thinking. I keep running into this problem. No matter how hard I try to avoid this, I can't seem to shake the habit. I got upset, got impulsive, and fucked up. And it's too late now. There's nothing I can do to change what happened. I might as well do my best to forget it happened and move on. I just have to make sure she's on the same page. I can't have this mindless mistake ruining me. The one thing that this hinges on is that girl's anger. She is so fucking stubborn, it's maddening. She'll never go for this again. I'm so stupid. I should've known not to do this to her again. She was just at the wrong place at the right time. Or in my mind, in the right place at the right time. I know it was wrong, I knew it then. There's just something about that woman that makes me make impulsive decisions. And those decisions always include her, and end up making her do something she'd never do if I hadn't been the one to talk her into it. I know I'm bad for her. It's poison when we get together. That's why I left her all those years ago. I didn't want to hold her back or turn her into something she wasn't. But I have to admit that when I made the decision to come back here, which wasn't a bad choice in the slightest, the thought of seeing her again drove me wild. I knew I had to see her eventually. That night, though. I hadn't planned for that. 

6 Months Ago

   I thought it was a beautiful night to go for a walk. The air was crisp and the snow was so fresh, my skin could blend right into it. Christmas was a big deal in this little town, and the decorations were still up from the holiday. They're never taken down before the first of the year. Superstition says it's bad luck. I couldn't help myself from taking it all in. Nights like these, me, my mom, and my brothers would go for a walk all over town, looking at the Christmas decorations downtown and through other neighborhoods. 

   I'd wandered through downtown, all over the small town, and back again., thinking about how things used to be. I should've been taking the walk with my big brothers, but they haven't been back since Mom died. They said it was too painful. Lost in thought, I ended up running right into something. I looked up and saw a face I had hoped to never see again.

   "Grayson," I stumbled but managed to choke out.

   "Sophia Grace," he breathed. .

   "You don't get to call me that anymore."

   "Sophia," he corrected. "It's good to see you. Still as clumsy as ever, I see," he joked. He ran his hand through his hair. I used to love seeing him do that. But watching him do it right then didn't make me nostalgic. It pissed me off. 

   "Yeah, well, you always were better at changing than I was so…" I looked away from him. Looking at him after all that time made my head spin.

   "Sorry for running into you." I brushed past him and walked away. I didn't turn around. 

   "Wait! You're just gonna walk away?"

   "That's what you'd do, isn't it?" I called back to him. 

   "Not from you. Never from you." He had caught up to me at that point. He was so close, he whispered that into my ear. 

   I shoved him away from me. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to call me anything other than my name and talk to me like you didn't just walk away from me all those years ago. Just left me a stupid note telling me you were leaving. Grayson,I haven't heard from you in six years," I stopped and looked at him hard for a second, "so don't come back here and act like it never even happened." I was so angry in that moment that I couldn't stop the words from flowing if I wanted to. But I didn't want to. I have been angry for four years. Completely shattered and heartbroken for two. There was no way I was playing nice that night, not that time. I kept walking. 

   "Sophia Grace, I can explain," he said as he kept in step with me. 

   "You really don't have to, Grayson. I can't imagine what selfish excuse you used as a valid reason to leave could help you in any way right now."

   He stopped walking and swung my arm around so I was then facing him. "Sophia Grace, shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say. I'm standing outside, freezing my ass off and I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else but you. You're the only person on this fucking planet that gets to talk to me like that, but I'll be damned if you won't hear my side after you get done." 

   I planted my feet in front of him, crossed my arms, and leaned in forward to say, "well, who said I was done?"

   "I did. Because I can't stand here and listen to this anymore until you understand why I did what I did." 

   "I don't care. Go to hell, Grayson." I started towards my house. He followed and paused before he spoke again, more gently this time.

    "Well, damn, sweetheart, I thought you knew." I stopped to turn around again. He knew me far too well. I can't resist that word coming from him. No matter how angry I was. I was putty in his hands when he called me that. 

   "Knew what?" 

   "I'm already there." He stuck his hands in his pockets, and looked at me.

   "You should've thought about that before you left me, you selfish bastard." I wouldn't cave in to him. Not this time. He broke my heart. He wasn't about to come and steal the pieces from me too.  

   I tried, yet again, to turn and walk away from him. But he wouldn't let me leave. I was only a block away from my house. If I could just get there, I could be free of him.. 

  He spoke softly when he said, "the only thing I was thinking about when I left you all those years ago, baby, was you."

   I chucked wryly. "Of course you believe that. It's so like you to believe--" he cut me off. 

   "Why would I leave the love of my life?" He asked me, exasperated. 

   "What?" I asked breathlessly.

   "You are the love of my life." He spoke almost soundlessly, as if he was afraid that if he talked any louder, that moment would end, and I'd run from him. "I never told you that. I was waiting for the right moment to tell you, and before I could, I knew I had to leave." I cocked my head at him slightly, still hurt and confused. "The day I left, I was headed to you, to your house, and I could hear your mother talking to your brothers around the corner. I glanced at them from where I was, unseen, and saw that they were just standing there, talking. I heard your mother say something about you, and your character having changed." He looked down as if he were transported right back into that moment. "She said 'it was like I woke up one morning and realized there was a fraud in my daughter's body. I love that girl but I honestly don't have the slightest idea of who she is anymore.' I can remember it like it was yesterday. Your brothers agreed with her and she sounded so heartbroken. I had heard people saying things along the lines of me changing you. For worse. But I swore to myself that they had it backwards. That you changed me for the better. But," he shook his head in defeat, "when I heard your mom saying it, that sweet, kind-hearted woman that welcomed me into her home, and made me feel like family, I knew in that moment that I was the one wrong. And I couldn't be with you, as badly as I wanted to be, knowing that I was stopping you from becoming the wonderful person you were destined to be. I loved you too much to let that happen." 

   I stood, frozen in that moment. I couldn't process the words he'd said. "You are the love of my life", "fraud in my daughter's body," "I loved you too much." All I wanted in that moment was to curl up into a ball and cry. But I wouldn't let him see me like that. Not even after what he just said to me. 

   "Sophia Grace," he called his name for me. "Sophia," he said with a bit more severity. I looked up at him, as he towered over my small frame. "I'm so, so sorry that I left you. I never wanted to hurt you but you have to understand. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I stopped you from being the person that I fell in love with. That person, this person standing right in front of me, is nothing short of amazing. In every way. And if me leaving had anything to do with that, then that's okay with me. I'd much rather live without you in my life, knowing you're better off for it, than to live knowing you turned more into me every damn day." 

   I gave him a long look. I searched his face for the truth in the things he said. I searched for the boy I fell in love with all those years ago. It didn't matter if he was there or not, though. I'd be as foolish as he was to leave me if I let him come back just because he said something halfway thoughtful.

   "So what? I'm just supposed to forget what you did and forgive you because you tell me after all these years that you love me. You must not understand what you did when you left. You were the first boy I ever loved. And you left me. At eighteen. After we made plans to take the world by storm. You shattered my heart into pieces and left me to pick them up by myself. It took me two years to take together the mess you made. And I was never quite whole again. Every relationship I tried to build after you crashed and burned because I was so afraid of being hurt again. I cried myself to sleep for a year after you left me. l shut everyone out. Everyone I loved. Even my mom. And she was my best friend." I couldn't help but yell at him. "Thank God she kept showing me love or I would've regretted spending the last years of her life mourning you. Those people you heard saying that you were changing me, they told me that too. Every time they got the chance. And I defended you. You made me look like a fool. Everything is always about you. How you'd feel, if you could live with yourself. What about me after you,huh? Did you ever think about that? And now that I've finally started to undo the damage that you've done to me, Hurricane Grayson just blows right back into town. Coming to knock my life over again. My biggest mistake that year really might've been putting my heart in your hands. "

   "I didn't come back here to mess your shit up for you. You can do that your damn self. My biggest mistake was asking for it. But I came to tell your ass I was sorry for the way that I left things. You think I don't know that simple words can't put shit back the way it started? You think I don't know that? All I know is is that I never told you that you made me want to change and be a better man. And not just for you. But back then, I was too blinded to see that I needed to be better for my damn self. You were my only motivation. Just hoping that I could be good enough to one day deserve you was enough for me to keep pushing and trying. There's nothing I can do to take away the hell you had to go through alone. But the least I can do is say what I came to say, and make sure you get home safe." 

   Grayson walked past me in the direction of my family home. I followed him, exhausted and defeated by my own emotions. At that moment, I had no clue what Grayson was thinking. He always was his own worst enemy. It was probably nothing good. 

......

   I felt Sophia Grace following me that night, which was a good thing. I didn't have it in me to fight anymore. I shouldn't have come back here. I wanted a reminder of what was important. All I got was a reminder of how badly I hurt the only person I'd ever loved. In that moment, all I could think was "stupid, stupid stupid! She was the best thing for you, you dumb ass! Now, you've lost her. For good."

......

   Arriving in front of my house that night, with my exhaustion, and the smell of his cologne wafting in the air, I already knew what I was going to do. Walks always make me more level-headed, even when I wish they didn't. Being level-headed leads to compassion.

   I spoke softly, because if I'd have spoken any louder, I would scare myself. "Gray," I called out. 

   Grayson stopped where he stood. "What did you call me?" He asked the question so delicately, I was transported back to who we were together six years ago. 

   I ignored his question and walked past him, up the stairs to my front door. I turned back to him and asked, "Gray, do you want to come inside? It's late and cold, and your place is on the other side of town."

   He nodded. I unlocked the door and went inside, knowing he was following me. 

   "You remember where your stuff is, right? I didn't get another chance to see you so I left it where it was." We were still speaking lowly, for reasons we've yet to discover. 

   "Yeah," he said, heading in that direction. He suddenly stopped and turned back to look at me. "Sophia Grace, I can never make up for what I did. But I can spend whatever time I have left with you trying to be better." He looked at me a while and then went to get changed for bed. 

   I climbed into bed after heading upstairs to change. Shortly after, I could hear Grayson on his way up too. I sighed a deep sigh, thinking about the emotional rollercoaster of the day I'd had. I knew a good night's sleep would help with the processing that I'd have to do the next day.

   Grayson knocked on my door. It took me by surprise, being deep in thought. While I was getting my bearings, he knocked again. "Sophia Grace," he called into the door. 

   "Come in," I answered back. 

   He came in slowly, just standing there looking for a second. He cleared his throat. "Um, yeah, I was just coming to say goodnight, and thanks for letting me stay here. I'll be out of your hair soon enough," he smiled in the darkness. I could hear it in his voice.

   "Yeah, you're welcome." 

   "Okay, well, goodnight, Sophia Grace." He turns back.

   I thought about something, and decided to say it before my anger could catch up enough to convince me not to.

   "Gray, wait!" I stop him.

   "Yeah?"

   "Will you stay? It sort of feels like old times with you here."

   "Yeah, Gracie." 

   He closes the door and climbs into my bed next to me. Habit takes over and we automatically fall into our old sleeping position. Our arms and legs wrap around each other and our bodies fit so perfectly that I forget about tomorrow. And I forget why I was so mad at him in the first place. I just revel in the comfort as he buries his face into my neck and places a kiss there. Lying there, thinking nothing of tomorrow, our heartbeats fall in sync and we sigh appreciatively for the moment.

   "Goodnight, Gray."

   He places a firm, but tender, kiss on my forehead. "Goodnight, Gracie."

......

   My mistake: letting him in that night. My solution: let him stay for a while. The result? Pure and total hell. We were toxic. We knew it. We hurt each other on purpose all the time. That's what you get with us Grays.