I can't sleep

I Can’t Sleep

Here I am, sitting in my bed in the middle of the night thinking about my relationship. I was emotionally hurt but I couldn’t let go of the relationship. I know I was wrong but still, I want to push through. I was in so much darkness and wishing someone would understand my feelings. Crying silently looking at the beautiful moon hoping for someone to save me from all this mess I’m in.

It was October 2017 when everything started. Right before Halloween 2017, suddenly, I felt heavy, unexplainable feelings. The type of feeling where you really like someone is like a crush. But I had no idea who it was. I tried to find answers but found nothing. I decided to ignore these feelings as I didn’t know what to do and to keep me focused on college. As time went by, these feelings kept coming back at the beginning (January), middle (October), and end (December) of the year. I kept it to myself as I didn’t know how to explain this strange feeling. As I was in a relationship at the time.

I went on a trip with my girlfriends in December 2020 to California to surprise my boyfriend. But to my surprise, he had another girlfriend. I broke off everything the day before New Year. It was such a tragic year-end for me. We dated for 2 years, and I never thought he would go behind my back. Although I was deeply hurt, I couldn’t let that get the best of me. Especially, since I’m on a girlfriend’s trip. I did not let them know about my relationship as I wanted them to have a good time. I enjoyed every minute of it. And yes, I did have some tears in silence. January came by, and I thought everything would be ok. I planned to focus on myself. February came; I was doing just fine! I went to the gym every day early in the morning as I work at 8 am. Right when I thought everything was going well, here comes April when my life shifted.

I was browsing Facebook one day in April and came across a friend of my brothers. I decided to add him as a Facebook friend. As soon as he accepted my friend request, he messaged me right away, asking if I was the sister of Michael and Kyle. I replied, " Yes, " and pretended I did not know he knew my brothers. He then told me that he knew them back in our hometown. I smiled silently at the messages. We joke back and forth and catch up on good old times. After a few days of getting to know each other, I felt this heavy strange feeling again, telling me it was him. After all these years of going through those heavy feelings, it finally came to a stop after meeting him. October came by and I did not have those strange heavy feelings like I did in previous years.

I was very young back then when we first saw each other, he had just turned 18 years old. I know nothing about relationships, nor do I even care about relationships. I was focused on school and planned to find a decent job after I graduated high school. While catching up was amazing and fun, it was also sad. He remembered all the time when we saw each other but I didn’t pay attention as I was focused on getting my work done. There was this time when he saw me again during my freshman year. He came there with his sister to get them enrolled as his parents were busy. He met my mom, my brother, and I. I had no idea when he talked about this because all I remember was that I was filling out my brother's and my paperwork for school. Who would have the time to look around? Also, I was a very shy person by then and did not talk very much unless I knew them. I was very surprised when he mentioned all the details. I was happy to meet him again, and this time as an adult. Sadly, because he is a married man. I thought we were going to catch up and be done for. But I was wrong. The more we talked, our feelings grew bigger each day.

We talked about how his parents wanted me to become their daughter-in-law, but he had his girlfriend at that time. He said he had a BIG CRUSH on me back then but because I was too young to date and all, he went for his wife who was his girlfriend then. That sure did hit me rock bottom. I did not have the strength to focus on work and was not in the mood for anything. I’m sure he hit rock bottom too as he did not know his dad wanted me for him. He was sad and said, “Only if I can turn back time, I would. My wife does not deserve me.” He also told me he really likes me a lot and he has been falling hard each day ever since we connected. I honestly thought he was joking but his tone of voice changed when I said “ssuurrreeee”. Then he repeated, “I’m already falling for you.” At that moment, I could hear my heart beating a little faster than normal. I was hurt as I had never met such a guy who was so like me. We both like outdoor activities, and the same color which is blue and green. We want to explore this earth, do something fun, and live life to the fullest. But I know that at the end of the day, he goes home to his wife.

Ever since we connected, we have been on the phone every day! He does Uber so he has time! I work as an Accountant, and I text when I can. So as far as time goes, everything works out fine. One day he stopped texting me and calling me. I do not know why, but I waited patiently thinking maybe he was just busy and would get back to me tomorrow. Well, the next day came by, and there was nothing popped up besides notifications. I was sad and distracted from work. Here comes the 2^nd week, and still nothing from him. I decided to give up as I should not be talking with him more than friends. One month later, he finally texted me. It was unexpected. When I saw his message notification on my phone, I did not know whether to reply or ignore it and delete it. After 2 hours, I decided to reply and acted like nothing happened. We continued communicating with each other every day for another month and I was ghosted again. This time, the gap was almost 2 months when he decided to text me again. This time, I made him wait for a whole day. I did not read his message, so he called me at the end of the day. We started talking again ever since. He would tell me Goodnight and Sweet dreams every night. Good morning text every morning. I would stay up waiting for him to call me and talk through the night. He dedicated a song called “Waiting for Your Love” by Stevie. When I listened to that song, it hit me deeply and I was crying my heart out. I feel like I’m starting to fall for him hard! Then he sent me a morning video of him singing another love song talking about expressing his love for me. I could not help but smile and my heart felt his warmth like he was next to me. My heart was full of his love and warmth. He was everything I ever wanted in my life. He was sweet, caring, and understanding. He’s tall, funny, and very handsome in my point of view. He had all the characteristics that I look for in a man. Unfortunately, this happy feeling had to come to an end.

November 5, 2021, I decided to call it off. Even if I continue, I know for a fact that the relationship is not going to get anywhere and I’m just wasting my time. He agreed with me and did not hesitate to let go of our relationship as he knew we were both wrong to begin with. After the breakup, the first week went by, and I was ok. The second week came, and my heart isolated. I did my best to push through, but I was in so much pain. A pain that I have never gotten before. This pain was 10 times more than my previous relationship. In my previous relationships, I was hurt and sad and maybe cried a bit here and there, but it did not affect me like this one did. I tried to look for answers but the more I tried, the more pain was filling me up. I cried every day in my room. I couldn’t sleep. I missed those late-night talks and the sweet messages I received every morning. I literally was in zombie mode. I barely slept and ate for days! I was going through such a rough time, but no one saw that side of me. I did my best not to cry, but I couldn’t stop it. This time I felt very weak, thinking to myself what I did to deserve this pain. But of course, I deserve this pain as I knew from the beginning that this path was not the right path for me but still, I went through with everything. I am now paying for it.

A month later, I couldn’t do this anymore, so I decided to message him through Facebook Messenger, and he replied right away, and called me later that night. When I heard his voice, I felt so much better, like I was alive again. He did ask why I contacted him because he thought I would not want to hear from him ever again as he knew he hurt me badly. I said, my heart couldn’t bear the pain so here I am. We connected again, but this time was different. Although I was happy to hear back from him and get to connect with him, I had a feeling telling this was it. A few weeks passed by, and he decided to let go of the relationship. And this time was for good. Even if he hadn’t called it off, I would have. Because it was not right for his wife to go through the pain I went through. I am now focused on school and work. I will be graduating soon, and no I am not in any relationship now because I made a promise that I will not get in any relationship until I graduate. This was a hard learning lesson for me.