Kiss off

She laid there staring up at the mirrored ceiling of her mother's canopied bed, staring back at herself, blank.

"Is this even me?" She asks herself, out loud. The words escape the room, that is only divided from the others by a thin sheet.

"Whaaaaaat?" Jones beckons from the living room.

"Nothing, man. Just spaced out." Lisa answers.

Lisa is having a little get together with 3 friends at her mother's lofty style apartment located in a rural, desolate suburb of Memphis. Lisa is 17, and lives with her Mom's parents in a quiet little town about 45 miles east of here. She likes to get away to Mom's on the weekends, where pretty much anything goes. Lisa has a good relationship with Mom currently, the earlier years had been rocky. She often comes to Mom's loft-like, super hippy apartment to party with her friends on the weekends while Mom bartends at a joint a few blocks down. She closes the bar down after so the kids have full range to hang out and totally indulge. The get togethers often were focused on a some drinkin' and smokin', which most of the kids would partake. Lisa has a fairly large circle of friends, but this night in particular, it's just the 4 of them and they are chillin'.

Jones, Felicia, Phil and Lisa had a little to smoke tonight and are zoning out around the apartment, listening to Mom's Violent Femme's compact discs. These are the perfect tunes and perfect vibe for a recent heartbreak, on Lisa's behalf. As she lies there, still and immobilized with an array of feelings, she thinks of Gregory and how life may not go on happy ever again.

How could he? Why? We were so in love. He ruined everything. Lisa prays in her head to Jesus, too stoned to hit her knees, she feels the guilt rush down her body. It's too much to bear, the thought of even sitting up. She thinks she should get up and talk to Jones, the only fella in the bunch that doesn't take part in the 'extra curriculars' the other wild and crazy teens in the group do. He always knows what to say to help me pull out of my slumps, she thinks to herself. Jones is a good ole' Christian boy, who helps Lisa come out of her self proclaimed agnostic phase. He plays guitar, very well and shares the same good ear for music as her. The weight of their platonic relationship deafens her senses to his striking blue eyes, gorgeous shoulder length sandy blonde hair and over all handsome looks. He adores her but is in complete synchronicity of where they stand, although he secretly and patiently awaits. They are both gentle souls with a deep yearning for the meaning of life, so to speak. They just connect on so many levels, as great friends.

As Lisa is still lying on the canopy water bed, with the mirrors above, she hears the song American Music faintly playing in the background. Too happy for me right now, she thinks as she has a passing memory of her hippy type Mother, with her long black hair and adoring beautiful face; and her, singing to this song as they watched themselves and laughed in the mirrors above. Their favorite to sing was Please Do Not Go and the Violent Femmes are their favorite group to listen to together. The next song she hears is Add It Up. Wayyyy more like it, Lisa smiles sarcastically. 

Day after day, I will walk and I will play

But the day after today, I will stop and I will start

Why cant I get just one kiss?

Why cant I get just one kiss?

There may be some things I wouldn’t miss

But I look at your pants and I need a kiss

All good questions to him but he'd rather be screwing Wendy right now. I wish I never introduced them, but hoes will be hoes, she would have found him anyways- or him her. He's a hoe too. The next song is Kiss Off by the Femmes. It's like they know me, she's thinking. She lets out an evil like and quiet chuckle to herself…

I need someone, a person to talk to

Someone who'd care to love

Could it be you

Could it be you

Situation gets rough, and I start to panic

It's not enough, it's just a habit

Kid, you're sick

Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air

Behind my back I can see them stare

They'll hurt me bad, but I won't mind

They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time

(yeah, yeah)

The song begins to count the ways to her teenage despair and all of the wrongs in her life. In this blank and dreary state she welcomes, sings along and adds her own personal commentary to this mess that is her life.

1. I take one, one, one cause you left me….. I ended this disaster but he left me by screwing her. That is how you ruin everything. How could he do this and completely wipe away everything we had for the last 6 months? I remember the first night we stayed up all night on the phone and you told me that nobody else knew you the way I did, what a lie. What a stupid and senseless lie to allow me to open myself up to you and you could just so easily rip my heart from my chest. This is a disaster and you are to blame…
2. And two, two, two for my family….. My family, ha! They don't get me and they don't really seem to want to. They would rather change me and then get to know that version, perhaps? Either way, as soon as I turn 18 in a few short months I am out of here. I do not belong here and certainly not with them. Maybe if I dressed, talked and dated who they wanted they would leave me alone but I doubt it. They are never satisfied. The only one that let's me be myself is Mom, but they won't let her raise me. I guess I was put here to be tortured, oh well, I'll be hitting the road soon…
3. And three, three, three for my heartache…. Heartache doesn't begin to describe it. It feels more like a stabbing pain through my chest that permeates throughout my entire body. What the fuck? Why does it hurt so bad? Nobody seems to understand that you can get so close to someone in 6 months, how you can fall in love in that time. We both agreed that we were soulmates and sleeping with the town slut wasn’t what was supposed to happen. Is it possible to die from this feeling? Well, Gregory if this is it for me, it's all your fault…
4. And four, four, four for my headaches…. Headaches, yes! All of the time. He is now causing me physical pain. If he knew would he even care? Would he say he was sorry and that he loved me again? No, of course not. Satan took over his soul, maybe he sold it to him? Maybe Wendy was sent here by him to destroy my fucking life? Who knows? My head is pounding and I am broken…
5. And five, five, five for my lonely…. I never felt so lonely in this life. Even more lonely than the lonely I felt before him. How could God give him to me and then take him away so fiercely? I simply cannot understand. I will never ever be able to share my dark thoughts and songs with anyone ever again. You ruined me…
6. And six, six, six for my sorrow….. I think that is apparent. I cant even join the gang tonight. I can't stop crying and I hate crying. He promised he would never make me cry and that's all he has made me do for the past 3 nights. This is torture. Why is this happening? I wish I could stop thinking about it…
7. And seven, seven no tomorrow….. Where do I go from here? I am really not going to enjoy anything after this. I don't want to meet anyone else because there is no one in the world like him. If I found my soulmate and he leaves then I will be alone forever, I think I read that somewhere and I hold this true. I will die alone like my great Aunt Birdie did and that is just it. That is it for me…
8. And eight, eight I forgot what eight was for …..
9. And nine, nine, nine for the lost gods….. I am not one to idolize other gods, mainly out of fear of my own. But it really feels like he is gone and he isn't coming back. I can't help but to feel that I failed him somehow/somewhere. I do not feel close to God when I feel like I am being punished. Oh, why are you punishing me? Maybe I should go ask Jones…
10. Ten, ten, ten , TEN for EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING…..