Darkness (TW Vent)

“It’s like drowning, like watching a lifeless form of yourself slowly suffocate knowing surely whats going to happen, but you hate to admit it. On each dive deeper the pressure of the water becomes more and more unbearable. It feels like you want to cave in and break down. Like a submarine lost in uncharted waters, unable to see or navigate. You call out mayday, hoping for help, but help is so far away. Too unknowing of your particular situation. How one small thing goes wrong and destroys the ship. But that small thing could take days to years to figure out.

Those years are like your endless thoughts that spiral out of control so simply. You wish they didn’t, you try your best to keep it from happening, but every night you can’t help but crying or feeling bad. But it’s stupid sadness which may never be fixed. 

You’re stuck on a rock below the surface, running out of air as you scream to the submarine which is slowly floating away leaving you in darkness. That submarine- which was protecting you from the pressure of the waters is gone. It’s like loosing that friend who kept you alive, or the parents who loved you. In this sea of hopelessness you’re left alone, on little air and little hope. 

Your air is like the love you get from others. One hole in your tank, and it may never be full again. Rather that be from the sting of a jellyfish, or to rocks that avalanche onto you. Both more commonly known as heartbreak, and belittling. 

But sometimes, the air will come out of nowhere, it will revive you to try and make your trek up to the surface, only for those pressures of the waters to push you back down over and over again until you’re out of breath. Until those thoughts of hopelessness come back, except this time you destroy yourself, not the waters, it’s you. 

You know it’s you, you understand it’s not healthy, you understand you need help. But you’re afraid to ask for it.  You’re afraid to scare the ones around you with your problems. So you keep it inside, and let it slowly eat out your soul. Like a mosquito does to its prey. But you are both the predator and the prey. 

You watch the waters, look for patterns and any way at all to break them. To avoid the problem, and work around it. It is literally an endless process of you drowning yourself purposely, to be given air at the last second from those who care, and then try again. Slowly your lows, become lower, as well as your highs. 

You’re whole mental health deteriorates, not just the part which originally hurt. It spreads along your mind, like a disease, things try to fight it but even more happiness and hope is killed in the process. Until it seems you may never come back up. You may never breathe that air again. You may never enjoy other’s love like you used to. 

Because nothing matters anymore. Life is cruel. It leaves you to die in those waters. Because nobody cares. They say they care, and as much as you want to believe them, you never can. 

You’re parents, the ones who raised you, have become your worst enemies. Their love was never true, you learned from age 7, that you could never trust them. You don’t tell them about your day, you don’t explain how you feel, they say they love you, and that they will always protect you. But you would rather run from them. Their names evoke uneasiness and fear. You shift in your seat when they’re angry. You stay up long cold nights looking at the door. Wondering., just how bad would it be to leave.? 

You’re not so much afraid of being alone, you’re afraid of them being mad at you if they ever find you. It’s not the wilderness which keeps you from leaving. It’s the fear of them. You think it’s abusive but you can’t say. You don’t know what it looks like. 

You lock yourself in your room, you hide from the two people who are supposed to love you the most. You dread when they get word of something that happens at school, no matter good or bad. Because they don’t feel like yours. 

They never felt like yours. They never payed attention, they never cared, but suddenly when a mistake is made they’re all over you.

But now, if they tried to fix it. Fix everything, they would only push you further. It’s been too long, You can never see them the same you did again. They will never, seem like they love you, to you. They could try, try all they want, but you’ve seen too much, you’ve lived too long. It destroys you to know you could leave right now if you wanted to. But fear, fear of them kills you over and over again. They are your hole, the hole in the oxygen tank. The tank that will never be full. The waters pressures which always build up, the submarine; their love; left so long ago. Left you in darkness. 

Darkness which may never turn fully back to light. You will always have a tainted glow, You will never be the same again.

But you also know there is a truth that’s been hiding from the rest of the world for years now. I have come to realize this truth can destroy the heart of someone who loves you…”

Addison stuttered, searching for words to soften the blow. She eventually just decided to state it as is, 

 “So for now, my mental state is this stranded diver, stuck on rocks as her oxygen tank slowly runs low., and soon may run out of air to keep her alive…” She choked on her regret, “Or maybe almost already has.” 

She pulls up her sleeve for you see the most horrifying scene, deep scars and cuts down her arm, as she smiles sadly. “I love you…,” she starts to cry, “I’ll miss you..” before letting herself fall backwards off the ledge she had been looking out over minutes earlier, before you had grabbed her arm trying to keep her away. You failed; she finally was ‘free’ in her own eyes. Soon once her village found out she had died, they would finally see the truth which was hidden by the choir of lies Addison had orchestrated.