Dish

Today we will be writing a Gatling classic: violence with a side of toilet humor. For this, you will need the following ingredients:

1 angry male, Y chromosome protagonist 

A pinch of injustice and malice

1 fresh baby. 

1 or 2 villains 

1 tall glass of dialog

Violence, as many pounds as you can fit in 1000 words

1000 words.

Method

Step 1

Even if the kitchen is the natural habitat of the double X chromosome hero, they lack the crude humor that their male counterparts exhibit. Amy Schumer is an exception and is so funny. You can pick from a variety of heroes and villains and set them in ancient times or futuristic landscapes. I prefer the medieval setting. Lots of slaying to be had back then. Caution: If you’re feeling brave and want to add heroes with an extra chromosome you might want to eat that dish alone. Eat it cold, and if it's tasty, share it with others.

Step 2

Quickly add injustice to the mix by having your character suffer humiliation, loss of a loved one, disease, or occupying his parking space for a whole day. Fucking Steve, he knows you get off at three. Just move that piece of shit already, you cunt. Make sure to move fast, don’t bother with details. Your goal is to get to the murdering because that’s where all the fun is.

Step 3

No Gatling classic is complete without a baby. It is considered a major allergen in all recipes making it difficult to work with. You don’t have to end its life in the story, but that lights quite the fire. You can’t cook without fire, and if you do, that’s incredibly sad and boring. On the other hand, the bad hand, famous chefs, including King, Cook, and Butcher, all use this ingredient,t, be it infant, child, or pre-teen. For those who like it spicy ensure the child is fatally injured within the first one hundred words. Caution: be brief with your baby-snuffing, too many descriptions will get you on a watch list. Extra caution: one or more chefs listed above sexualize kids. My word of advice: don’t do it.

Step 4

Go heavy on the dialog. This is the meat and potatoes of your story. Be sure to flush out your character with dialog. That is how your readers will grasp what he is all about. Within the first couple of minutes, it should be clear what kind of person you are dealing with. Add a pinch of salt, it works great with meaty men. A salty, bitter man mixed with spicy action is sure to make a fine dish. If you’re feeling adventurous, toss his salad into the mix, you might find it filling. 

Step 5

Your character talks a big game but is he up to the task? Add a knife or gun to the mix, and have him murder someone. Don’t describe how tall or strong or what he’s feeling. Just say, “he drove the shank through the other’s chest, lifting him to eye level. Red velvet draped his face.” You can be playful with your dish, sprinkle some torture. It’s important to use a light touch; remember, less is more. Use simple ingredients like a candle burning a nipple, a few shallow cuts on the face, or some shy cannibalism of a finger or nose. Don’t pour it all at once, for example,, decapitation and shitting down a bloody throat. You risk losing those who are new to violence. Instead feed their curiosity, their shameful, hidden fascination towards physical punishment. Don’t scare them away before they have a chance to savor it. Slay women, slay men, make him hit with ferocity, with desire. Cut down devils, crush wizards, trample dragons, choke some witches. Make it go on and on, add it to the pile, and mix thoroughly until true evil reveals itself.

Step 6  

By now your wonderful mix has had time to rest. It’s time for the final stage of cooking. Take out a mold and pour the whole thing in. Your character, his essence is now transferred into this vessel for its final transformation. The very thing he hates the most, the evil that he will undoubtedly destroy in an epic battle will be the mold that determines his outcome. You cannot use ingredients that grow in the shade to create a light dish. By his actions the protagonist is now cooked to perfection: a greater evil that once was now walks the land. The hero is infused with an ancient power paid with the blood of others. Now, he is the injustice; he will force others to rise to the challenge. If you didn’t dispose of the child in the beginning you might use it here. 

Step 7

Set the table for your loved ones. Ring them up and leave a message. Bring out your best wine. Wait patiently for the buzzer. One guest arrives. He can’t stay for long but likes the meal. You’re grateful for his presence and promise to visit his house soon to savor his famous recipes. You wish to leave right away, but fucking Steve is double-parked outside your driveway. That pencil-neck motherfucker is done for. You kick down his front door and bust his head against the stairwell. A fountain of blood erupts above his brow as you creep closer, erect like never before. Steve stumbles in the living room spraying his weak blood all over the carpet. He begs you to let him live his pathetic, boring, miserable life. The way his head cracks beneath your foot sends chills down your spine. Exhausted, you sit in the kitchen and feel quite hungry. You wonder if Steve cooked anything in his life. Inside the fridge, there are some leftovers. It’s bland, as expected. If you had some of your ingredients you could improve on it, turn it into something that would pass as a meal. Suddenly you hear a cry from the bedroom. A fresh baby.