KATE

It was mid July when I came to that camp for the first time that summer. I was visiting for many years and loved that camp.

I was put in a senior girl squad house under "3B" for camp group and I went on to get settled for that good ole Christian summer.

So, on the first day, after unpacking and such, I decided to quickly get myself a friend. I have always been a person of one good friend only, and I wanted to make this into my religion. And the opportunity to make a friend presented itself. I went into our common room and there was only one girl inside at that time. Her name was Kate.

So, Kate was my first and only friend for some time. We had that silly teenage friendship, where we would discuss the roster of the day, and the lunches at the camp cafeteria. We would also talk about our households and discuss the news from our hometowns.

So, we had those kind of conversations on the daily. And strangely enough - we became very good friends. And we grew tight so quickly because Kate had an amazing sense of humor. She was unbelievably funny with her stories and with her mimics. Even when I would be telling her something, she would just comment on it so hilariously. Or she would be sharing her home news with me and there would be a funny story. And there was even a story about some crime in her town, that she'd told me about, and I would just strangely pee my pants from laughter. Maybe there was something wrong with me at that time, but any story Kate would be telling me, I would be laughing my head off about and be peeing my pants at the same time. I couldn't stop! She was crazy hilarious!

One time, after another one of her stories, I even had to ask her to look around for me because I was going to change my pants in the bushes. And I told her the reason, so she knew the effect she was having on me. But then, the camp activities started to pick up and the camp counselors were constantly in our faces all of a sudden. 

And one of those counselors was particularly cute. This guy was very enthusiastic about the job and he was very friendly. In the camp, he was standing out as the most cheerful. And so, this counselor quickly got himself a fan. And it was Kate. 

She was talking about him non-stop. And I was getting convinced. Meanwhile, we would still spend the same amount of time together. Everywhere together: in the pool, in the shower, in the room, on the walk, during lunch and even at the disco. Until we had one short walk through the woods. 

We were finished with crafty activities and were just going to the common room to rest. The walk was as usual. We were talking about things, until she brought up that handsome counselor. She was talking about making a move on him, to which I just laughed like I did multiple times because she was so funny. But it echoed because she didn't see anything funny in that, and was suddenly trying to analyze my laughter in a different way, according to that topic in particular. And so, she ended up asking me if I was jealous. And I replied to her, that she could be liking him all she wanted. But I guess, it wasn't convincing enough. So she asked again. And I ended up teasing her about her crush yelling out loud, "Kate has a crush on Andrew!," and I ran off to the house far ahead of her. I don't even think she was running after me. And already on that same evening, she started looking at me differently. 

And that same evening I started to suspect something, too. I really didn't think about other sides of Kate. I was completely engrossed in our hilarious stories and shared routine. But then I started to open my eyes. 

So the days started to drag. And I knew why. She would come up to me in the morning to seemingly start the day as usual, but there would be something intimate about her approach, as if there was some invisible fear of rejection. You could tell, she was applying a new meaning to doing things together.

Kate would ask me to go together to brush our teeth on the field in the mornings, and that meant going through the barely lit up woods with crickets chirping, and cuckoos, and crazy speedy mosquitoes. And Kate wanted to go being only the two of us, when it's early and freaking dark. And we would have to go through that soccer field, crossing it almost entirely to get to our sinks in that far set pavillion. That pavillion scared me. And now, I was fearing other things as well.

I started fearing staying alone with Kate in a secluded pavillion, where you could turn up the tap to cover up for kissing noises. I wasn't suspecting Kate to be capable of that. But I was suspecting, that she would try to gauge my disposition to things of sexual nature, and that she'd try to confess something. I was so fearful of everything and anything she would be offering that we do, that I seemed tense all the time. But I would still try and agree to things, just to keep playing the part. 

And the friendship started to feel like a burden. I wasn't enjoying myself. I was becoming paranoid. I was constantly thinking to myself, that one more second and she'd just burst out with something too intimate, too cringy and would be staring right at my face to take in every bit of my reaction. And so, I started to kind of avoid her when possible. 

And at the time of me avoiding her, I made a new friend. It was the middle time. The time when half the camp days were already over with and the other half was still ahead. There was a day, when the parents were allowed to come visit, some from other countries even, some from the towns near by, either way it was called Parents' Sunday. 

On that Sunday my mom came to visit me, and we had our usual sit down chat during our picnic by the lake. This lake was happening directly behind our housing buildings and it combined snake noises and frog noises at all times. And it gave off the stinch of a swamp. It was a whole camp vibe right there. And so, we were sitting with my mom, and she was asking me something, and I was really just in my own head.

So, my mama was about to leave, when we stumbled upon another family going down our trail to our spot by the lake. And that's when I met Marina. 

Later that day, I found out that she was from our neighboring house going by "3A". Actually, our houses were conjoined, but I've never seen her before. And she told me, that right before Parents' Sunday she almost broke her leg tripping over some random water hose. When she was saying this, she was already sporting a cast and limping alongside me to our squad houses. I was so refreshed by her presence, I instantly got attached. I needed someone, who would not have ulterior motive for keeping me or a darker intention for that matter. I wanted someone plain and simple, like Marina. And so, I linked with Marina, and I wanted to be friends with her for the rest of the camp time. 

And Kate knew. Not only was I quietly avoiding her, but now I was also replacing her. She was becoming mad at me and jealous at the same time. And she would not come talk to me about it. She would just trace off to the margins, glaring at me and talking about me with other girls. There was also another tendency in Kate. 

Kate started to grow more masculine with each and every day. I would notice the jawline widening and shoulders broadening. I would notice her voice growing deeper. And her smile changed into a smirk. And she started to give off that vibe, that you could not mistake for anything else. Even my brother noticed that, who was also in that camp. I talked to him about Kate, and he just laughed. From his laughter, I understood how maddening it must have been to hear me laugh when Kate was talking to me about her own sensitive topic. I was furious with my brother for not understanding how serious it really was. Kate would spy on Marina and I. 

Everywhere we'd go with Marina, Kate would be somewhere around staring at us. And it was very creepy. I was trying to move on without having to talk to her about it. I didn't want to bring up the topic of my suspicion. And all of it was moving under my skin all the time. I could just sense her intentions for my body. And it felt very contrasting to the Christian camp agenda, and our every day Bible studies and prayers, and our choir songs and prestine dances during evening disco. Everything felt black and white all of a sudden. I saw how the idea of Christian summer was being tested by teenage hormones. 

So, Kate persevered. And I kept avoiding her with the help of Marina. But then, when we had shower, and I would be taking it with Marina instead, Kate would go staring at my body with predator look on her face. I couldn't put up with this anymore. I wanted to confront her about it. And so, on the walk back to the houses, I brought up a topic with Marina and made my voice loud enough so Kate could hear me, since she was always lurking around anyway. And I was speaking about how Christian camp suggested certain things, and how it shouldn't be otherwise, at least for the time being. And I guess, I was just trying to implement some respect for the cause of the camp, but neither Marina nor Kate seemed to know where I was leading with this. It must have seemed very weird. No one actually brought up faith topics among themselves, only within some group activities. And so, I felt completely unsupported with this. And I knew, I failed again.  

So, all of it was really unbearable until finally along came the last day of camp. Everyone was feeling already nostalgic about the experience they were still living, and everyone felt strangely closer. I, however, was becoming happier by the minute. I knew it was a sad time at camp, but I would be coming back in two weeks, and I was really hoping for a lighter experience, just like what it was at the beginning with Kate. And I did feel nostalgia, too. I felt nostalgic for Kate. I wanted to turn back time, and turn around that something that inevitably led to where we were. I wanted to be Kate's friend again, but I couldn't. I wanted to talk to her, but I was afraid of the attraction she felt, afraid of the intentions she harboured. I shielded myself with Marina, the limping girl, like a coward. 

And then Kate came into sight. When I saw her approaching I noticed that Marina wasn't by me. Where did she limp off to when I needed her so much?? But Marina didn't know why I started spending all of my time with her halfway through camp, and why I suddenly made myself into her friend. And so, Kate was there right in front of me. One on one.

Kate told me, that she was leaving by car. She said, that she would miss me, and that she would be back in two weeks, if the family agreed, but she didn't know for sure. Yet she had this fire in her eyes. There was no way back. And she would probably haunt me again in two weeks. I was praying not to cross paths with her during that next camp. Even if I couldn't pray her into oblivion, maybe I could pray her into staying home for important reasons and not be coming back again that summer. I hoped to pray her into staying in a different squad house, so we would never take those showers together ever again.

And so, I was just staring at her numbly. I couldn't even sigh. She reached out to hug me goodbye. And her coming into motion felt like electric shock to my body. But to Kate it must have looked as simple as me taking a step back.

And so, she left. Kate went to the gate. All the camp crowd was there. Some cars were arriving. Some busses were leaving. But Kate was still there. And I had to be there, too. I was waiting for that other bus, and I briefly said goodbye to all of my camp mates and counselors. And I hugged and waved Marina goodbye, when she was leaving for the car. And I was mentally getting ready to be home and away from all of that coming of age, intricately queer camp drama. I was so over it. So exhausted. And so, I wasn't even checking on Kate's whereabouts any longer. I genuinely thought she was gone already.

I was drained, though. I would think the same for Kate. Being avoided, getting rejected - how much more can a girl take?! It was as if she was driven by an invisible force, and it managed to make her invisible, too. And so, I was sitting there with my back to the crowd and looking into a vast field of crop in the distance. I was finally coming into harmony. I was inhaling deeply and letting out sighs of relief. And it all broke down with one stolen peck on the cheek. And when I turned to look who that was - it was Kate, running off smiling. 

And no prayer could keep that sudden knowledge from washing over me. She was trying to tell me something with that peck. And I knew exactly what she was saying. It was like she whispered the translation of this peck into my subconsciousness. And I heard a voice say: "I promise, I'll come back for you." It was hella scary. And I knew...she was going to come back for the next camp. I knew she would come back whatever it takes. And it was just so wrong. I was losing all hope. Not only did I lose a friend, but now I had to lose all chill as well. And l knew, my mom would not let me stay home for the rest of summer. She would pack me for another camp session. She would not let me miss that. And neither would Kate.

And with that gloom turned on to maximum I came back home. And two weeks flew by like a minute. I was not able to relax. My mind was on the ordeal. I was afraid to go through that again. But I couldn't rebel. I couldn't pull out on this. I had to leave for camp again. And oh, boy! That summer seemed endless! 

And so, I arrived at the same old scene again. On that first day, I was looking like a crazy person. I was checking my surroundings, and not at all listening to what my mom had to say. I had my own business to deal with. Again. And I was not going to be caught of guard by any pecks or kisses. It was not going to happen. And strangely, I was right. There was no sign of Kate during that first day. I looked out for her everywhere. She was just not there, not in the camp. And I just felt so relieved. Yet there was this strange premonition floating in the air. I felt this invisible attention on me, someone's thoughts about me. And they were becoming louder and clearer with each day. All until on the third day of camp I finally heard it distinctly: "I'm coming."

It was a nightmare, that had a message for me. And so, I woke up early and agitated on that third day. I was about to start my day with going to that Pavillion, when I heard some voices coming from outside. And I was growing fearful on the spot. I felt it nearing me - It was Kate. 

Kate appeared in the doorway to our common room and she looked me in the eyes with a smile. I was paranoid on cue. I had nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run. She knew she brought it upon me by appearing there out of the blue on the third day of the camp's last installment. And she settled in our room that very morning. I was so depressed. Deep in my unhappiness. And I just wanted to ask her why?? Why was she doing this?? But I don't think, she would be able to give a thoughtful response. I feel like she was being manipulated from the inside of her own body. And I just had to endure all over again. Day by day. Stare by stare. Disco through disco.

We both knew what we'd done to one another. And I don't know if I'd be queer like I am today, if it wasn't for that one summer...