The One Who thinks in child-like monologues

My mother is like me, but it’s okay, I still love her. She loves me too, I’m sure.

-Look a giraffe! Isn’t that amazing? Such a long neck! and colorful!

She doesn’t look at it. Why? What did I do? I always do something wrong…I guess.

-Look at the giraffe! Come on!

I hold her hand tightly to give me attention. 

-Ow, okay, I’m looking…yes they are beautiful. 

She tells me quietly. She often does this, telling me things without feelings. It’s okay. 

I’m happy. The weather is beautiful today. It’s sunny. The sky is clean. I like it. 

-I want a cotton candy, let’s go. 

I gripped her hand again and brought her to the cotton candy stand in front of the lioness cage and a fawn in the distance. 

I asked for the biggest cotton candy! 

-Can I also get a little piece? 

She looked at it with hungry eyes. I got confused. Didn’t she eat an hour ago?

-I’m starving. Didn’t you eat a while ago? That’s why you have a few clothes that fit! I joked and looked at the vendor, waiting for him to laugh too. 

Her cheeks got red, she looked down and I turned around to see the lioness. It was so pretty and amazing. 

I want a pet lioness. 

I didn’t take my eyes away from it, instead, I started to list interesting facts. 

-Did you know they are super quick?! And the main hunters of the pride! They eat zebras, antelopes, deer, and fawns too! 

-I love deer and fawns. 

She said uninterested and bored. 

I’m so tired. 

-Why? Just because they are pretty? 

She shrugged her shoulder. Deer can’t even do anything, why does she like them? 

They are no use. Lionesses can rip them apart in milliseconds! Why doesn’t she like lionesses? aren’t we related? I just want her to share something with me. 

I’m so alone and she never gives me attention. She’s always quiet and doesn’t care about me. What does she even think about? She thinks about me right? She loves me, of course, she thinks about me.

I love her too, but I don’t think about her often, because usually, she isn’t with me.

She shouts and yells at me. It makes me feel unwanted, bad. So to not feel like that, I just don’t think about her. I’m happy if she’s beside me, even if she’s quiet. To be honest, I prefer when she just agrees with me and nods her head, instead of shouting and yelling. I wish she were always like that, so I can live a normal life. 

-Should we go now? 

She asked in a little rush. 

-But we just got here. 

-My head hurts and I’m tired.

She’s always tired. Never has time for me. What does she do when my head hurts? or when I’m tired? Nothing. She doesn’t take care of me. I still love her. 

-Okay. 

I said to her disappointed and showed a little bit of sadness in the hope that she would change her mind. 

Her steps got faster and I got curious. Was she planning to go somewhere? Again? Did she have plans? Without me? I wonder what she does with others. Where is she going to? Does she do bad stuff? Does she have friends? She acts so bored and uninterested all the time, I wonder if others like that. Is that why they are friends with her? I don’t have friends, why does she? 

-I really wanted to see a peacock today. 

She went silent. 

-I wish we had more time. So I could see it. 

I heard her sigh. 

-I barely leave the home. 

Her steps got even faster and she didn't even look at me. 

-Are you rushing to go somewhere? Where are you going? Who are you planning to meet? 

-Mom it’s enough! 

She finally turned around. 

-I’m tired! I can’t keep up with it anymore! you are draining me! 

How does she dare to shout at me? in public?? Who does she think she is? 

-Stop shouting. You are outside. 

-I don’t care where I am! I’m tired of living with you! 

-How dare you raise your voice at me? Instead of being grateful is that how you are paying me back? 

-Paying you back?! You are the one who had me! I didn’t choose you! I would never choose you!

The rage gripped my throat to the point I raised my hand and slapped her on the cheek. 

Not too much, just to embarrass her a little, but of course, she dramatizes everything. 

She yelled out, lost her balance and fell on her back. 

Because of her impolite behaviors, I caught strangers’ eyes locked on us, mostly at her, cause of how ridiculous she was towards me. 

Maybe, shame and a slight touch will teach her a lesson. 

Her eyes widened as she pressed her cheeks that got severely red, she was pressing it too hard on purpose, probably wanting to get sympathy from others. I’m sure.

The eyes got watery. Is she really going to cry right now? 

I rolled my eyes, such a predictable action. 

-Oh my god, What a baby, When will you grow up? Stand up and let’s just go home 

I tried reaching for the phone to call a Taxi. Wait, no, we also need to buy groceries, the Taxi will take too much. 

-Grow up. Grow up?!! I’m only fourteen! You are the one who needs to grow up! 

She mumbled the words, but I couldn’t even figure it out. She really needs to stop crying. 

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The one who speaks in child-like monologues is the one who’s not afraid to display actions of adult cruelty. The only mature person in that maternal bond was a daughter, who had her childhood stripped away by a flawed, damaged mother attempting to reclaim her own youth. 

The physique of a woman, mind like an ungrown child. 

A curse of a generation.