Coping Mechanism

She turned to the passenger window. She knew what she did but she needed help. The fog on the window made the world seem like a kaleidoscope of white, grey, brown, and green. Fallen ice clung to the bottom perimeter of the window. It glistened as the glow of the passing cars illuminated it. She was already bored out of her mind not to mention the constant awkward tension made mere seconds feel like minutes. She took her puffy black coat sleeve and wiped the fog off the window leaving a small circle of clear glass big enough for her face. 

“Don’t smudge the fog, it’ll leave a mark.”

She spun her head over to him eyeing his short, loose, cirls. His hair was a dark but mousy. His face was narrow and dark. His bitter expressions only added to is melancholic appearance. His jacket was navy blue with an abundance of pockets. He always seemed to gravitate towards the 'average joe' style, and his plain jeans, grey sneakers, and green T-shirt only reflected that. She quickly looked away in embarrassment. There was a short pause after that.

“Alright.” She replied trying to sound nonchalant.

She tightly closed her eyes and soon after, she reopened them. She felt as though her shame could be felt by everyone within a ten-mile radius of her. She really didn’t mean to hurt him, and she knows she’s the last person he wants to see, but he was the only person left to help her in this small town. She resorted to just keeping her eyes on the window. Ice and snow clung to the bare branches and the pine needles of the surrounding trees, weighing them down. It was as if the whole world was frozen in time. The creeks and ponds were frozen seemingly mid-wave. The grass, trees, cars, and buildings were covered by a thick blanket of snow that only grew with the oncoming blizzard. Being so used to living in Texas for a couple of years after moving from town, she was in awe of the true beauty she grew a bitter-sweet fondness for. 

Continuing to study the wonderland, her eyes caught sight of something: Cars. Many of them, all in a monochromatic color scheme of grey, black, and tan. There were a couple of outliers of red and blue.

“Aw, crap.” He groaned. “I hate traffic.”

“I know.” She chuckled.

He tsked somewhat smirking. 

“Mmmmhm.”

There was yet another long pause.

“You know,” He looked over to her as her eyes were fixated on the approaching traffic. 

He knew her too well to know she was nervous but trying desperately to hide it. 

“We’re gonna be here for a while. Listen to something,” He said quickly tossing her his earbuds. “Don’t worry, they’re new. I know you have that dumb problem of yours when it comes to sharing simple things with… literally anyone.”

“Thanks.” 

She softly smiled.

“I wasn’t doing you a favor, it was a favor for myself so I can stop watching you be so uncomfortable.” He scoffed. 

“How can I not?” She asked quickly looking back to him. “After what I did.”

She mentally facepalmed. How could she say that? Every time he was mad at her, which was very rare, he would always lecture her. She prepared herself. He let out a long sigh. 

“Yeah, now that we’re finally on that topic, why did you do that to me? After all I told you?”

Their hearts felt like beating out of their chests. They didn’t want to admit it to themselves, but they dreaded this topic. 

“Aren’t you going to answer, Katrina? After all, I did decide to pick you up after your damn car broke down. You have no money to your name, and I decided to be nice and drive two hours away to help you not be stranded in the middle of God knows where. You would’ve ended up freezing to death in a blizzard! The least you can do is tell me why.”

There was what seemed like the 1,000,000th short pause. She was glad there was conveniently an outdoor ice rink nearby to allow an escape. Small groups of what seemed like a total of 10 people huddled together as they skated and talked. Their breath made opaque shapes and hung in the air around them until it slowly faded away. Some people awkwardly scooted themselves across the ice with their hands outstretched in front of them, while others were effortlessly showing off their skills. Some took short and sharp strides which contrasted with those who took long and easy strides. She pictured herself there. Her Mother tight in one hand and her Father intertwined in the other. She could feel the cold air on her face. So cold it took her breath away when big gusts came. Snow stuck to their hair, gloves, jackets, hats, and anything else it can grab onto. 

“Fine.”

She gulped trying to make her voice sound more clear than it really was. 

“As you probably already know, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way. I just thought it would be easier for you…”

“To what? leave me just like my parents did? Out of the blue with no warning?” He said gripping the steering wheel tighter.

“You know, I see the correlation, and I’m not happy about it.” She joked.

“Why do you have to do that?” He sighed.

“Ok, ok,” Her smile faded, “As I told you in the letter I sent, I had to go find my parents. I had a lead in Texas and I had to take it- you did get my letter, right?”

He only gritted his teeth; looking straight in front of him.

“Andre?” She stared at him waiting for his response.

“Yes, I got it.” 

He stared back. He noticed her wool, hunter’s green coat. The one she wore everywhere. The one he gave her. He looked back in front of him, eyeing the traffic. Every now and then, he would slowly move the car up to meet the recently moved vehicle in front of him. Looking a mixed of worried and relieved, she propped her elbow onto the door next to her. She twirled her pale, blonde hair in between her two fingers. She never liked her hair, both wavy and thin, it was hard for her to keep it looking neat. Her hair was cut just below her ears so it poked from underneath her cream-colored beanie. Earlier, she attempted to grapple her hair into a ponytail, which now looks more like a half up, half down bun as the back half of her hair curled around the band and her front half fell back out in front of her face. 

“I think you and I both know what I found when I got there.” 

She looked down at her fingers that were so cold, they turned a bright shade of pink.

“They’re dead. Mom died recently, while Dad died due to an overdose before I was even born. I suspect that’s why Mom gave me up. Because she couldn’t raise me by herself. I’d like to think she gave me up so I can have a better life, but in all honesty, I think she was just being selfish and lazy. Luckily, as I told you, I have pictures, but I just wish they wanted me.”

She slid out her photos from her left coat pocket. One was of her Mother; her long blonde hair draped around her face. Her mother’s eyes is what she always seemed to gravitate towards. They were mossy green flecked with pecan shell. They seemed sad and lived-in despite her shadow of a slight smile. Her face was boney but soft and her fair skin tone made her bright red lipstick almost seem to pop out. Another was of her Father. Tanned by the sun, he almost seemed to glare into her. His face was chiseled and the bottom half was covered with a five o’clock shadow. His hair was brunette and smooth, but also thick. Small wisps laid across his forehead. Is eyes were brown with hints of amber, just like her’s, but more narrow and knowing. He was a clear contrast to her Mother. She seemed sad but kind, willing to let it roll off her back, while her Dad seemed sad, but angry about it. She furrowed her eyebrows and looked over to her best friend. He had the same look in his eyes as her Father; brooding and serious, but compassionate underneath. 

“Rina, how could you live a better life jumping from household to household. From orphanage to orphanage. I mean, we don’t even know what it’s like to have parents!” He said snapping his head back to her.

“I know. That’s why I wanted to go… to finally know what it’s like.” She smiled softly meeting his dark gaze. She missed them, his eyes- brown with hints of multicolored flares of green. Suddenly, she saw them water over ever so slightly.

“So you can experience it. Without me. What happened to your promise? You’re just like your mom. You’re so selfish to leave me here without warning! I looked everywhere for you for months. I called the police! But I gave up. If you’re gonna give up on me, I’ll give up on you.”

She didn’t object. She only gave him a long, fixed, but somewhat vacant look.

“Thank you.” She smiled once more. “I really appreciate all you’ve done, but you have to understand that this is my journey. Yes, it was wrong to keep you in the dark, but I had to. You wouldn’t have wanted me to leave otherwise.” 

He fiercely shook his head, holding back the tears. It felt like someone seized hold of his neck. He could breathe, but he couldn’t swallow anything, making the pain harder to conquer. He knew she was right. He wouldn’t have let her leave, but she didn’t have to abandon him. He wrestled her in deathly silence.

“I’m sorry Andy, but I have to do this alone.” She croaked.

They’ve been each other’s best friend for years. Ever since he first got into the system at age ten. He looked up to her as a big sister. She taught him everything he knows. He remembers trying to trick other orphans together to get them to cover for them when they would make their early morning adventures outside the walls. He remembers staying up all night trying to catch Santa on Christmas Eve. Was she just going to throw that away for people who never cared about her enough to save her from the childhood she had?

His boss’s ringtone ripped him from his thoughts. He took a deep breath and answered, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Hello? Andre?”

The man’s deep and serious voice almost seemed to boom into his ear almost as if his voice climbed out through the phone to make his anger more apparent.

“Yes, sir?” He tried hard to keep the anger out of his voice.

“ You’re late. Where are you? Are you with someone?”

He looked over to the unoccupied passenger seat.

“No, I’m just stuck in traffic.”