The Sun and Stars Combined

“He can’t, he’s all I…”

My knees go weak, and I fall to the ground. The men on the other side of the doorway become blurry, dark spots in my vision. 

No one tells you how quickly life can change, the rug of the world pulled out from under you and your left on the floor, speechless and broken in a heap that will never be able to be put back together. 

“I have training today; I’ll be home tonight for our date. I love you more than the sun and stars combined.”

The last words he ever spoke to me, the last thing I will ever hear from his beautiful mouth, in that dark husky voice. 

I don’t know how long I was on the ground. Time was a perception and all I wanted was to melt into the world, maybe if I disappeared, I could join him. I don’t know when I stood up or how I appeared on my couch. Those men with their pristine uniforms and vicious words sitting in my home. I wanted them gone, out. They only remained as a reminder for what happened. 

“Get out.” My voice was horse like I had been screaming. Had I been screaming. 

“We can’t leave, it is our job to ensure you are okay.”

Okay? I will never be okay. Life will never be okay. “Get. Out.” The only words I could manage to say, coming out crisper this time. Ensuring they knew what I needed them to do, to make sure I was “okay.”

“Sir maybe we should leave.” I stared at the floor, I didn’t care what conversation they were having, debating if they should leave me or stay. Please just leave me alone, in my sorrow. 

Finally, there was movement, and I heard the front door shut. Had they said anything before they left. I don’t know, I don’t care. The ringing in my ears became louder and louder. I wanted, was going to sink into this couch and disappear from the world forever. 

“I have training today; I’ll be home tonight for our date. I love you more than the sun and stars combined.” His words rattled around inside my head like a broken record. 

Lies. He lied to me. He wouldn’t be coming home. Ever. 

When I thought I had no more tears to shed the wave came over me again, sobs escaped from my lips. I never moved from my spot on the couch, and when I had no more life left to fight for, I fell asleep on that couch.

“Good morning beautiful.” His dark blue eyes were the first thing I saw when I finally pried my own open. His mouth on mine, the first thing I felt, and he leaned closer to place a kiss. 

“You sure know how to wake a girl up.” Grinning, I mumble into his mouth, and tangle my hand into his dark hair, wrapping another around his muscled neck.  A deep laugh escapes him as he pulls back. 

Low in my gut there’s a feeling, like I know something is going to happen today, something is going to alter our lives forever, but what could it be. Shaking off the feeling I stretch and get ready to move out of the bed, however before I can stand Garrick is pulling me back in, planting more kisses to my exposed neck, nipping my ear. 

“Don’t you have to go to work?” I ask unable to remain serious with him behind me. 

“Mmhm” He mumbles into my neck. Turning my head just enough I catch his lips in my own and he smirks as I kiss him fiercely. “Maybe I shouldn’t go today, we could just stay in bed all day.” 

“As amazing as that sounds you’ve got planes to fly, and your commander will kill you if you don’t show up. Besides you need to get home on time today, we have dinner reservations tonight and you can’t be late.” I retort poking him in his chest to make sure he understands. He rolls his eyes and just pulls me in closer.

“I’m not coming home today.” My body freezes, this isn’t how this morning went. This isn’t the conversation we had. 

Sitting up I turn and look at him. Suddenly he’s in his flight uniform sitting on the bed starting at me with sad eyes. 

He’s not coming home? He didn’t come home. Not for our date, not to me, never again. 

Tears fill my eyes as I look at my husband, realization taking over in my dream. He reaches out and whips them away, the touch, the feeling so real. The world crumbles into darkness around us and it’s only me and him in this room. 

Pulling me into his lap he sighs, “I wish I could have recovered it, could have gotten out. My co-pilot got out, but my seat was jammed. I thought of you the whole time. Fought the seat the whole time. And I never stopped thinking about you, all the things I never said, all the world we never explored together.” 

My sobs were increasing now, I couldn’t speak, and Garrick just held me tighter and continued speaking, soft and soothing. 

“You were the best thing to ever happen to me. I was in such a dark place when I met you and you were my light. And now I will be your light. I will never leave you. I want you to be happy and live your life for me. Don’t give up. Never stop fighting. I may be gone but I will never be far away from you. Promise me you will continue to fight and learn to love life without me.”

“I can’t, you were all that I had. You were my life.” I squeaked out, barely more than a whisper behind my sobs. 

He pulled away slightly so he could see my face, kissed the top of my head, then spoke in a serious voice. “I need you to promise. I need to know you’re going to be okay. Not today, maybe not tomorrow but you are going to fight to be okay again.” 

Worry etched in his face. This meant everything to him, he needed to hear it. He needed to be able to rest and I would have to learn to live. “I promise, I will live and fight, for you.”

Tears escaped his face and a sad smile spread. “You are my light and I love you more than the sun and stars combined.”

His appearance started to go fuzzy and dissipate. No, not yet, I never had enough time. We never had enough time. Before he disappeared completely, he needed to know, “you were my whole world. I love you more than life itself and I will never stop living for you.” 

His smile spread wider, and he leaned down, kissing me, hard and desperate, one last time before he was gone, forever. 

When I woke up, I was still crying, tears still streaming down my face. But I wasn’t as devastated as before. We said goodbye, we got one last word with one another. Looking at the coffee table I realized there was something there the wasn’t before. 

Reaching I pulled the bag and opened it, my mouth dropping open. His dog tags and ring strung together. Pulling it out I threw them on. My last piece of him securely on my neck. In that moment, I didn’t feel alone. He was with me; he always would be with me.

 Picking up his ring I examined it reading the inside phrase that began the one in my own ring. The phrase that he's said to me since beginning of our relationship, the one I would hold onto forever, because I know its true 

“I love you more than…”