a broken mirror

March 7th, 2018 8:52 a.m. (Lana) 

The best and worst summer/fall of my entire life had started with a passing glance. I had left my favorite hole in the wall coffee place, my iced maple latte in hand, when I saw her. She had long silver hair that had gentle waves spilling over her shoulders and down her back, she was probably a couple inches shorter than me, and she had the most beautiful hazel-green eyes. As she had breezed by me on the sidewalk we made and held eye contact and for those few seconds I swear I had never wanted to reach out to someone more. I just felt this strong energy coming from her and to say that it was magnetic is definitely cliche, but I just knew l had to talk to her. By the time I had worked up the courage to go say hello, she was already a couple shops back so I had to do a slight jog to catch up. “Hey.” I had said while approaching a little more closely. She turned around to meet my eyes and gave me a gentle “Hello” with a soft glistening smile. 

“I-I know how this is going to sound but, I saw you a couple minutes ago and..” I said trying to swallow down my nervousness. “You’re just so pretty and I just wanted to tell you a-and..” suddenly I had gotten shaky. I didn’t think I was this bad with girls. As I was preparing myself to ask for her number she had snorted and let out a beautiful laugh from deep within and looked right into my eyes once again. “Don’t be so scared” she said while lightly pushing my shoulder in a flirtatious manner. “I think you’re really pretty too. Can I have your number?” she asked while placing her phone in my hand. So many thoughts were racing through my head. Really pretty? she thinks I’m really pretty? And she wants my number? Realizing that I was still spacing out, I entered my contact information into her phone and handed it back to her. 

She took a quick glance just long enough to see my name, “Alright Miss. Lana Knowles, I’m going to be late for my shift if I don’t leave now. I’ll text you when I get off work around 8:30?” 

I nodded my head politely and smiled. “Yes!! Of course. I don’t mean to keep you but, it was nice meeting you.” I made eye contact once more and scolded myself on the inside for sounding so forced but, on the outside I don’t exactly think she noticed because she smiled back, said “Later, Lana banana.” with a wink and walked away. I was way too distracted by the events that had unfolded to even ask for her name. Lana banana? a wink? really pretty? was really going to text me later? I just couldn’t even begin to calm all the racing thoughts in my head. All I could do was wait, hope, and try not to dissolve into full blown panic. 

Later that night she had texted me. I had learned her name was Jordan O’Hara, she was 22, she was the manager of a little book store a block away from the café I liked, she was an only child, and she lived in an apartment above the bookstore with her roommate and best friend, Shaedyn. We stayed up until almost 4 in the morning talking, laughing, joking, and sharing everything we possibly could. I wanted to know everything about her. Every joke she told, every tear she cried, every test she failed, every dream she had, and everything she loved. She made me feel whole, understood, and cared for. With every nighttime phone call, afternoon date, and rendezvous I knew more and more that she was everything I had been looking for. 

Jordan had quickly become part of my daily routine. Jordan and I were inseparable and i wouldn’t change it for the world. For months we continued our stage of talking and learning about the other person and flirting every chance possible. We quickly made our relationship official. She was my best friend, girlfriend, and confidant all in one. We were the couple you would hate to see in public, god, even I hated that type of couple. The type of couple that would be obnoxiously lovey, call each other pet names, and maybe stand just a little too close. Everything about what we had was perfect, until it wasn’t. 

It was October 3rd, 2018 12:48 a.m. when she had texted me to meet her at the little bench just outside our town park. At first I was filled with joy at the thought of meeting Jordan, but as I approached the parking lot and saw her waiting I had a new feeling I hadn’t quite experienced during our time together. Anxiety? Dread? Gloom? I don’t know what to call it but I just know it wasn’t right. I got out of my car and walked as fast as I could to bench and sat down on the cold metal beside her. “Hey.” I said pensively. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” I knew it wasn’t and that was solidified when her tear-filled eyes looked into mine. “Lana, I’ve been battling with my mental illness for a long time. Usually, I can move past it and look forward to the brighter side… but lately it’s just… impossible. I don’t know what to do anymore.” she paused taking in a deep, shuddering breath. “I thought being with you and loving you would help me and give me a better view on life but it didn’t. My sadness didn’t go away, and I don’t know if being with you is going to help me right now.” her voice broke off at the end, all choked up and in between sobs. 

I was taken aback. I had no idea, after all how could I? I was struggling to find the right words as I had never experienced mental illness myself. “Jordan, I’m so sorry. I had no clue. There’s nothing I can do to help you?” my throat was getting that awful full, burning sensation as I started to cry. Jordan just looked at me and shook her head “I’m sorry, Lana. The only thing that will help me right now is if we spend time apart.” she sounded regretful but I know she needed to be alone and I was willing to respect that. I told her my goodbyes and we shared one last embrace under the stars, in each others arms, and I enjoyed the smell of her perfume for the last time. 

I let go and quickly got back into my car before she or I could say anything else. I remember speeding off and seeing her with her head in her hands as I drove back to my home feeling more alone and abandoned than I ever had. That night I took quite possibly the longest bath known to man just crying, listening to my favorite sad songs (all by Taylor Swift), and imagining if tonight had gone differently. After I was shriveled up like a raisin I decided it was probably time to go to bed and just wrap up this night completely.

March 7, 2018 8:52 a.m. (Jordan)

I couldn’t drag myself out of bed today. It was near impossible. All I could think about was how I was afraid to interact with the customers at my job, how I was too afraid to walk on the sidewalk, how I hated the way my uniform looked on me, and how terribly messy my hair was because I had gone to bed with it wet last night. I know I know, I sound ridiculous, but I can’t help it. The thoughts of how bad I look, what I did wrong, and what embarrassing thing did today just pinball around on my head relentlessly. But that didn’t matter when I have a store to manage and almost 5 other things I could actually be worrying about. Normally I wouldn’t want a coffee but there’s a shop about a block away that serves the best lattes in town. 

Today I drank my coffee inside the shop as I read a new book we got into the store. It’s a poetry book and normally I wouldn’t read poetry but it looked really intriguing. My coconut latte was absolutely amazing today so I finished it off relatively fast and start to head to work. I normally would listen to music on my short walk back but today my earbuds were missing. I was trying to shove my book into my backpack when I looked up to make sure I wasn’t going to run into anyone, and saw her. She was beautiful. She had dark brown, almost black, hair that just barely touched her shoulders. She was a few inches taller than me, she had dark brown eyes, and she had beautiful freckles that were placed across her cheeks and nose.

We made very brief eye contact but I swear it had felt like an eternity but, I didn’t mind. I would just love to get lost in those deep brown eyes.

I couldn’t but smile as I walked by her thinking maybe, just maybe, I should turn around and say hello. I was having an internal debate wondering if I had read too much into that eye contact when I heard a shy “Hey.” from behind. The smile that was on my face was even bigger as I replied with a simple “Hello”. She sounded absolutely adorable and shy trying to say how she had seen me a few minutes ago and how she wanted to tell me how pretty I was. It was so sweet how shy and nervous she was that I couldn’t help but snort and let out a small chuckle. 

“I think you’re really pretty too. Can I have your number?” I asked while gently placing my phone in her hand. It was a big shot but I wasn’t really worried. I mean she did come up to me but I was just panicked placing my phone in her hand was too much. I was replaying the whole scenario in my head trying to find where I might have messed up when she handed my phone back to me. Looking down, I saw that her name was Lana Knowles. I let her know if I didn’t leave for my shift now I was going to be late, that I would text her after, and left. I was practically skipping back to the book store just thinking about what happened. She was so beautiful I couldn’t stop thinking about her smile and eyes. That night when I climbed the stairs to my apartment and settled in for bed I texted her almost right away to tell her I got home. 

Lana and I had talked all night. I told her everything about me.. well.. almost everything. I just wasn’t ready to tell her that I was broken, imperfect, or even damaged goods. Lana deserved the full truth I just wasn’t ready to tell her. And I thought maybe just being with someone who was as full of sunshine as she was could help me. Maybe that was naive of me to think considering I was so broken but I just wanted to be right for her. I didn’t want to be the girl who was in inpatient therapy, who had a history of depression, or who had crippling anxiety. And so I kept the secret from Lana for months.

At first it was easy for me to keep the secret from her, after all I had hidden it from everyone my whole life. However, a couple more weeks into the relationship I had started getting bad again. I didn’t want to scare Lana by telling her but I didn’t know what to do. I was going to have to check myself back into inpatient therapy. I really didn’t want to but I didn’t have many options left. As much as I desperately wanted to move on from that part of myself and start my new life I couldn’t. The thoughts of depression plagued me and I knew I had to go back before I did something even worse. 

Telling Lana was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We cried for hours under the stars and i remember the feeling of her tears falling onto my head as we had embraced. Lana was the best thing that ever happened to me and I didn’t want to lose that. I felt so guilty for leaving her behind and doing what I needed to do for me. “Jordan, I’m so sorry. I had no clue. There’s nothing I can do to help you?” Lana had said between tears. I simply told her the best thing for me is to be alone. I didn’t elaborate on where I was going but she didn’t need to know that. After we had shared our last hug together she quickly got into her car and I saw driving away and crying. I sat there with my head in my hands for a few minutes before I decided it was probably best for me to check myself in tonight. I just hope she understands I didn’t just do this for me, and I will always love her. 

October 3rd, 2018 9:45 a.m (Lana)

I gently woke up from my dream. What was that? Last night I had dreamt I was Jordan, or maybe just in her head, for the entire time we were together. I had no idea mental illness was like that. Jordan really was doing what was right for the both of us. She really did love me. I know she needs space and I know right now we can’t be together, But right now I fully understand how she felt and what she was going through. She needs to go to inpatient to get better but, when she gets back I will do everything I can to help her and love her forever.