Memory of You

They are late…They were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago. It’s 9.30 now. Brrr…haaaah ... .I’ve  put on the heater and yet, I can still see my own steamy breath. Rubbing my hands doesn’t help, either. I don’t know why it’s really cold today. I hope they are alright. I haven’t seen them in awhile.

Ding dong….Ding dong…

Ah, here they are…

“Coming!”

“HEY!”

“Hey you guys! I started to get worried. Good to see you. Come come, come inside. It’s really cold.”

It’s Jean and Brad. My two closest friends, if not the only ones. Jean was a friend of mine from college. When she met Brad, she introduced me to him as well. Thought you needed a guy friend, she said. Well, she was right. Brad and I are now best buddies. I’m glad I have him as a friend. They have been married for two years now after dating for two. I’m happy for them.

Now, their purpose of visit is not just to hang out. Though that’s what they would say and do when they are here. But I know what they’re doing. They’re worried about me and they are checking up on me. I always appreciate that. I always tell them I’m fine…because I’m fine. That’s what I think at least.

“So…how was your trip? Sorry, I don’t have anything fancy to serve. Hot tea and some cookies for you.”

“Oh, it was so lovely, John. You should’ve seen the view. It was just breathtaking. Thanks for the tea.”

“Yeah, bro. Munch…munch… Beautiful. Never seen anything like it. You should take a trip there too sometime. We can go together next time. Ooor…if you prefer, I can introduce you to someone, get to know each other a bit and you two can go there together. She’s lovely. What do you say, John?”

“Babe, stop it…”

“What? I’m just helping my buddy out. And these are very nice cookies, by the way.”

“Hahaha…it’s alright you two. Thanks, Brad. I can’t give you an answer now but I’ll think about it. And I’ll give you a pack of those cookies. I have some.”

“That’s my buddy. Thanks man.”

“Hahaha.”

Brad is telling me the story about their trip. I can tell he enjoyed it very much. He’s never been this excited before. I guess if it makes Brad feel this much, It could probably help me a little bit too. I guess we’ll see.

____

Oh, would you look at that. It’s almost noon. Time flies. I don’t even realize it. Their stories are fascinating to hear and this place is just inviting. 

“Hey you guys, it’s almost noon. Would you like to have lunch together?”

“What? Oh WOW, you’re right. I’ve been talking for two hours. And yeah, lunch. What do you say, babe?

“Sure! Of course. Usual place?”

“Fine by me. John?”

“Sounds good. I’ll get my coat.”

____

That was a great meal…I always love their grilled salmon. Skin,  very crisps and yet, the meat is so tender. Salad is fresh and their dressing is acidic enough to balance the other elements and keep your appetite high. Potatoes…buttery smooth. Just perfect.

We are at the park now. It’s within walking distance from the restaurant. As if it’s here to say, Now walk off those calories, people ! Hahaha. It’s a park with a lot of grass fields and just a small narrow paved road, enough for people to take a leisurely walk and some with bicycles.  The towering cluster of trees in the middle of the park really makes the environment really comfortable. You can find wooden benches here and there. The best part is when you turn your head on the opposite side of the park. You can see the view of the big lake and the buildings on the other side. Lovely view. 

The weather is nice. Still cold, not as cold as in the morning but nice. The soft cool breeze hitting your face every now and then makes this walk really pleasant. Jean and Brad are behind me, walking arm in arm. I’m grateful for them.

****

“Hey, babe”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you go and talk to John?”

“Talk about what?”

“You know…”

“Oooh… I don’t know, Brad. Do you think I should?”

“Yeah. I think you should. We are his only friends, aren’t we? And we do hang out but you know, not as often as we’d like to. It’s been awhile since we asked how he is.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Yeah, I’m not good at heart to heart talk when it comes to him. Makes my eyes teary every time. You’re better than me. Go now, I’ll walk off the food a bit. I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit.”

“Okay, honey.”

*****

“Hey, John! Wait up!”

“Huh? What’s wrong? Where’s Brad?”

“Ooh, he just wants to walk off the food a bit on his own. I’ll walk with you.”

“Oo..kay..”

“….”

“….”

“So,..how’ve you been, John.?

“Doing okay. Work is fine. I’m eating well. All good.”

“John….”

“What?”

“….”

“Ahh, I see what you mean with that look.”

“Yup yup.”

“Brad asked you to do this, right? Ahaha. Slick.”

“John…”

“Hhhfff….alright…”

“…..”

“Honestly, I think I’m doing good.”

“But…?”

“Sometimes that feeling just came, you know. Out of nowhere like a wave crashing down. I don’t know. It’s been awhile and it’s getting better but I can’t completely shake her off, Jean.”

“Oooh I know, sweetie. You can take your time as much as you need. No one is pushing you to get better fast, act normally as if it was nothing. It was hard…I was there…me and Brad, both.”

“Yeah, thanks for that. You two have been great.”

“You are a dear friend, John. We care for you. But I have to say this as a friend. It’s been 3 years. And although we both will be here for you always, try to put yourself out there, John. Meet new people. Get to know them, have a date. No pressure of getting into a commitment. Just take it easy. But put yourself out there. You will never know who you’ll meet and how they’ll make you feel.”

“I know, Jean. I know…”

“I’m worried about you, John…”

“Aren’t you always? Haha…”

“Can’t deny that, hahaha…So, should Brad introduce you to someone?”

“Uuuh…I guess I can do that.”

“Great! I’ll let him know.”

“…..”

“…..”

“Thanks, Jean.”

“Anytime, John….”

*****

I don’t think there’s much to talk about after that conversation. We are just walking in silence. Jean grabbed my arm and we just enjoy this lovely afternoon. 

We are reaching the end of the park after a while and there he is. Brad is walking towards us. Seems like he’s been circling the park the other way around. Jean let go of my arm, give me a sad, worried look and a pat on the back before greeting Brad. We all go back to Brad’s car and they drive me home.

____

“Aand… here we are.”

“Thanks guys. I had a great time.”

“We both did as well, sweetie.”.

“Yeah, bro. Have a good evening and call us some time.”

“Will do. Have a good evening, guys.”

“Take care, John.”

Off they go and this is the end of a lovely afternoon…

*****

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“You talked to him, right?”

“I did. He said he’s willing to meet that woman you’re setting him up with.”

“Oh! That’s great! This is good! Progress! Happy for him.”

“Yeah, me too. It takes awhile but at least now it seems he’s finally there.”

“Yeah.”

“….”

“….”

“….”

“Hey, babe. I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you realize we never see that one particular room at John’s?

“Which one…?”

“Well, you know which one. He only has two rooms. His bedroom is always open, his desk is near the living room, but that one room is always closed. I didn’t think much about it before but one time, I was waiting for him to change and just standing around, looking at those lovely paintings he got on his walls. And I got curious, so I tried to turn the knob. Locked. And right about then, he tapped my shoulder and I turned to see his face, he looked all flustered and worried. I asked what’s in there and he said it was nothing. I’m still curious. You couldn’t possibly know what’s inside, right? ”

“Uuh…nope.”

“Honey…”

“Yeah?”

“….”

“….”

“Look at me, honey.”

“Why…?

“You do know you can’t look at me when you’re lying, right?”

‘Oooh I hate you…”

“Come on, out with it. You know what’s inside, don’t you?”

“I do…It wasn’t intentional. The door was ajar when I visited 1 year ago without you. But I just took a peek and nothing more.”

“Okay. Annndd….?

“It’s all her stuff…”

“….”

“….”

“…You’re joking, right?”

“Nope.”

“And do you think they’re still there?”

“Oh I believe so, yeah.”

“Good god…poor John. Babe, are you sure we don’t need to tell him?”

“About what?”

“That we saw Leslie 6 months ago…”

“Ooooh honey, I don’t think that’s a good idea. No no nuh uh.”

“But we can’t let him stay like this…”

“If we tell him, Brad…it’s no different than killing him…”

“I feel sick keeping this from him…”

*****

It’s almost 5pm. Here I am…alone again in this apartment. I do enjoy my solitude, but I don’t enjoy loneliness. Especially, with this hole in my chest she left behind. When it happened, I thought I could let her go after several months. Maybe a year. How wrong I was…She was everything to me. 

You see, I’m one of those people who find it hard to connect with others. That’s why I only have Jane and Brad. Used to be only Jane. And it was okay for some time. But a friend is a friend. At one point, that overwhelming feeling of loneliness, the void that can swallow you whole, enveloped me. I was like that for some time. Jane knew…God, I don’t know how much I made her worry back then. 

All this, gone, when I met Leslie… She was…just a ray of sunshine. I met her a year before Jane met Brad. We decided to be together after 3 months. It was wonderful. She understood me so well. When we met, we just “clicked”. When we were together, I felt alive for the first time. I felt seen. Have you ever felt such a beautiful thing? I couldn’t even wrap my head around. It just happened.

I proposed to her after a year…You should see the smile on her face and her happy tears. Nothing was more beautiful to me. When I knelt and she said Yes, I was the happiest man alive. We spent the next year planning for the future, preparing things, to bring together two worlds into one. There was nothing that could tear us apart. Except perhaps, herself…

It was 2 years into our relationship. We were celebrating New Year’s Eve. All four of us. We went for a trip and watched the fireworks. Had such a great time. It was morning, the first day of the year. I woke up, searching the entire place but Leslie was nowhere to be found. Only a note on the bedside table. I’m sorry, it said. With her ring on the side. She was sorry…nothing more. No explanation, no nothing. I was losing my mind, I called Jane and Brad, panicking and crying. I was on the floor when they rushed to my place, as if all energy was sucked out. I was holding Leslie’s note and the ring. Tears were flowing as if my eyes were broken. Brad, the toughest guy I’ve ever known, picked me up and hugged me tightly, sobbing. Never knew he could be like that. He told me I’m here, bro, I’m here, we both are. I never saw Jane cried like that either. The horror in her face when she saw me in that state. That day…I was destroyed to pieces.

Here we are, 3 years later. Still can’t let her go. This room…I keep all of her belongings here. I frame every picture I have of her. Hang them on the walls, put some on tables. Her little items, teddy bears, a sweater….everything. I put her note and our rings in the middle of the room. And everyday, for the last 3 years, I enter this room in the evening, just sitting there and closing my eyes, remembering how she was, her voice, her smell and her soft touch on my hands. I’ll stay that way for a good hour and I opened my eyes. I take a deep breath and sigh. 

How have you been, Leslie? I utter this question every time. A question that I may never have the answer to. 

I leave the room, shut the door, and prepare to greet the night, hoping to see her in my dreams, before morning comes and serves me a painful reality.