baby bro doesn't get a say

Alex was wasting his time, but he had nothing better to do than spend the day hiking through the woods, observing spiders in leaf rolls and moths trying to appear like dead leaves. After all, the job he had last interviewed for wouldn’t be contacting him until September. In late August, the weather was perfect for swarming ants on nuptial flights, and indeed Alex had seen some landing on herbaceous plants in the woods he was walking through.

As he crouched down to get a closer look at a cluster of ants, Alex felt a rare moment of peace. The ants were fascinating, their tiny bodies moving with purpose and coordination. He watched as they navigated the leaves, their wings glinting in the sunlight. His crouched posture was purposeful, a stark contrast to the tension he always felt in his body at home. 

Unfortunately, as though thinking about home had brought a reminder of it into the universe, Alex’s phone vibrated with maybe four texts. Alex sighed, exiting the naturalist app he had been observing the ants on to read what was written. Jack would be arriving for his yearly three night stay in an hour. Alex was expected home soon. Don’t forget, he wants to spend time with you Mom texted, as if Alex ever could forget. His body could already feel Jack’s hands, memories of the day visits when Jack had spent time with Alex, had cuddled, the brothers seen as so cute by their parents, as Jack’s whispers went ignored. Alex stood abruptly, scaring off the ants. He blinked. He couldn’t cry - he just needed to survive the night. He was volunteering with the environmentalist organization in Boston tomorrow, he’d be away from the house all day. 

“I’m home!” Alex called, his parents preparing for Jack’s arrival. Dad was blowing up the inflatable mattress, where Jack would be sleeping. Mom was cooking. Alex headed to his room, put on his headphones, tried to ignore the world around him even as he heard the doorbell ring, the prodigal son home from his residence elsewhere.

“Alex, say hello to your brother!” Dad called before Jack shushed him, laughing.

“Hey, if the baby wants to ignore me, that’s fine by me. He’ll get hungry soon enough.” Alex turned his music back on, louder than Jack’s voice calling him the baby, baby, you want this, don’t you? I want to touch your v- Alex had turned the volume up so loud his ears hurt, trying to ward away the memories that refused to leave, the ones foreshadowing what he knew was coming, and so he turned the sound down again, the bass unable to make him less aware of his heartbeat, his dry mouth, his twitching hands that would soon be useless.

“Alex! Dinner!” Alex arrived, ate the pasta, listened to Jack dominate the conversation as though Alex didn’t exist. Alex drank before remembering why he should be avoiding liquids, repeating said act of inability to control himself multiple times over the course of dinner. 

“And how’s my baby bro been doing?”

“Did Alex tell you? He had a job interview last week!” Mom bragged on Alex’s behalf.

“He did not! What, too good to fill your older bro in on the job hunt? Huh?

“I-I have to go to the bathroom. Be right back.” Alex said, knowing Jack was trapped at the dinner table. He wouldn’t be able to walk in on Alex now without Mom and Dad acknowledging something weird going on. Alex relieved himself, trying to get as much out as possible so he wouldn’t have to use the bathroom again for the night, trying to slow down his fight-or-flight primed body with a brain that knew both were useless. Alex would be fine, just calm the fuck down. Just disappear. Just pretend he’s literally anyone else, he’s Kate, Alex would be seeing Kate tomorrow anyway and pretending - Alex washed his hands. The show must go on.

On the night dragged. Jack wanted to show the whole family the concerts he had performed in on YouTube, hooking his computer to the TV, hooking an arm around Alex’s shoulder and ignoring Alex’s efforts to shrug it off. ‘We’re adults, why am I letting him do this?’ Alex thought, before his brain began shutting off thoughts, conscious only of the warmth radiating from his brother’s touch.

On autopilot, dissociated, the movie ended and Alex went to bed in his clothes. Nothing was happening, nothing was wrong, Alex’s eyes were closed, his breathing sped up a bit, but… and the bed dipped with a weight, a body on it, and Jack was beside Alex, and Alex rolled over but there were those hands again, this time not wrapped around his shoulders but inside his boxers, one on each side. Alex was against the wall, his bed’s position one of the worst pieces of his life, and he kept his eyes closed, hating himself. Alex hated himself so much, especially when one hand of Jack’s left his butt and instead replaced it with his whole body, spooning the younger boy like they were lovers, like - Alex mentally ejected himself from the scene. None of what he logically knew was happening was real, this was all just a nightmare. Jack’s stroking was eliciting a reaction Alex couldn’t stop, couldn’t control, and of course his older brother chose this moment to whisper in Alex’s ear.

“You want this, don’t you?” Alex wanted nothing less than what was happening, but saying no resulted in Jack’s laughter, in Jack making Alex touch him instead or just insist on watching Alex shower “since you don’t want me touching you, Mr. Prude.” Alex knew that question only had one answer that would end in Alex not being raped but rather just molested, so he opened his mouth, inhaled, exhaled, and stated.

“I do.”

“You love your older brother, right? Love it when I touch you like this, make you feel good?”

“I do.” Alex stated, lying. Jack loved making Alex respond with those specific words, and Alex was the slightest bit safer having said them than he would have been otherwise.

The next day, Alex left home early, Jack splayed out on the air mattress Dad had made up for him like he had never once entered Alex's bed. Alex had plans, had a friend he was meeting at an organization he was volunteering for. He silently survived the bus ride, grateful it wasn't crowded.

"You ready to see some bugs?" Alex asked Kate after both arrived at the reservation.

"Hell yeah!"

"Does anyone else think we're going to see Pennsylvania ambush bugs today?" Calvin, a retiree who also volunteered and was learning to identify insects that were camouflaged, asked.

"I do!" Kate shouted, startling Alex with the response, with those two words. Still, Alex was safe here, hunting for bugs with his fellow volunteers, and the joy he felt that morning was genuine, unlike the replies of 'I do' he had said the previous night.