A Recipe for Those Considering Chain Smoking!

Hello friends! Today I'd like to share with you a recipe that's very personal and close to my heart. It's a recipe which I imagine has been passed down through generations of my family - and now, I hope you and yours can enjoy!

This recipe is a perfect combination of what you get when you mix together different personalities, each conflicting, and each strong-willed ; and then you put them all into a car for 13+ hours over two days.

The road goes on and on in an endless desert landscape until finally reaching a heavily wooded destination in the hills of Northern California. This recipe is gluten-friendly (avoid if you have Celiac) and under 500 calories because everyone’s lost their appetite.

Whether or not you’ve ever taken a long road trip with people who you love but cannot stand, don’t worry! This process is simple to follow and naturally induces the madness necessary to contemplate murder. The biggest challenge is that at times, you’ll truly feel tested to your personal limits. This is especially true if you’re typically a people-pleaser. But don’t worry! This recipe has something for everyone including: dissociation, turning up the music so loud you can’t even hear your own thoughts, and pulling over at the gas station just so you can have 5 minutes alone. Who knows? Perhaps by the end of all of this, you will have taken up smoking after 30 years of life and ask if your cousin can buy you a good vape.

REASONS YOU’LL LOVE THIS RECIPE

1. It’s easy to do - All you really need is a total lapse in judgment when you invite the looniest members of your immediate family on a lengthy road trip. Save on gas money and hotel costs! 
2. There’s no escape! - This is the best part because you hadn’t thought of this beforehand. It's a surprisingly efficient way to descend into madness.
3. You’ll learn about yourself! - What are the true limits of your patience? If you’re unsure, following this recipe will reveal this information to you. 
4. You’ll learn about each other - You didn’t know about your aunt’s constipation before, but now you sure do! Your mom has taken offense to it and will tell you about it several times throughout the trip. This is important. 

INGREDIENTS NEEDED:

One younger brother. If you don’t have a younger brother, you can substitute for any sibling. Ideally, this sibling will not have accounted for spending any of their own money on this trip and will look to you to provide for them.

This includes: their share of the hotel, food, and any other necessities. They will also not perform common sense functions such as cleaning up after themselves or offering to help carry luggage, etc.

This sibling should ideally not have a license so they can't share any portion of the long drive with you. You should also feel the need to baby them, even though they're nearly 30 years old already. Have an existential crisis about that.

Two parents. This is a really important ingredient because if your parents are older, they also cannot help you drive the 13+ hours to your destination. Your father's going blind and your mother's night blind.

Additionally, it's best if they cannot hear each other, so they can repeat themselves very loudly at each other the entire way. Do not fret, they will continue on bickering even if you turn up the radio. Your mom will likely lean over to you in order to shit-talk your dad as well! This is very important bonding time. Or maybe just venting time. For her.

Another important aspect of adding your parents into the mix is worrying about them the entire way. Your dad has serious health issues and this drive is clearly hard on him no matter what he says. And your mom, well. She's healthy as an ox and bitter with anyone who is not. You may worry she will kill your dad for needing her help. 

One elderly dog. Please ensure the dog is elderly as well and ideally hasn’t had a bath since she was a puppy. It’s best if your parents also have not brushed her teeth in a while. That way, the interior of the car will fill up with an inescapable fog-like cloud of her breath and body odor. It is best if you cannot escape this by rolling down the windows. Remember, the choice will be between smelling her breath or dealing with the 115 degree weather outside. You're still driving through the desert. Personally, I’d say take your chances with the stinky breath!

One sedan. The color of the sedan does not matter much, I went with dark blue but any color will do. I'd say pick your favorite because the car is going to be the best part of the trip!

The most important features to consider when taking the sedan are ensuring you have a spacious trunk, comfortable seats, good A/C, and bluetooth capabilities. The sedan is your lifeboat. No matter what else happens, the sedan should be reliable. Check the tires and oil before you leave, lest you desire to have car troubles on top of your other difficulties. 

Optional Ingredients: 

CBD Oil. It’s fine if you don’t use this ingredient, however, I found it to be helpful in a situation like this one. 

Paper Towels. These are going to be important for any dog or human related unforeseen bodily functions. While not necessary, they will come in quite handy when faced with unexpected circumstances. You can substitute napkins collected from fast food stops along the way.

Vicks Vapor Rub. Also not entirely necessary, but great to have on hand for any unwanted smells that will ruminate inside the car.

Whether it be from people passing gas, vomiting from food poisoning, body odor, or the aforementioned stinky dog breath, having something to rub on your upper lip to save you from the barrage of unpleasant scents could save the day!

Noise canceling headphones. Now, this ingredient can be controversial so it’s a personal choice whether or not you bring this one into the fold. But, it can reduce your hearing 75% of the jabs your mother takes at your father. And her sister. But there is a good chance she will take offense to the headphones so tread carefully.

STEPS TO MAKE THIS RECIPE

Step one. Live far away from the rest of your family.

Step two. Have a beloved relative pass away.

Step three. Decide to drive instead of fly due to flight pricing and a fear of driving alone as a woman; double-check that your husband can’t take the time off to go with you.

Step four. Ask your mom if she’d like to split the drive with you. (She will likely say yes, she wants to see the family. Even if she does have it out for the beloved relative who has passed away). 

Step five. Feel guilty if you don’t also invite your little brother. Text him to see if he can make it too. (He can).

Step six. Pick everyone up from their locations.

Step seven. Hit the road later than expected!

Step eight. Have your mom offer to pay for gas at the first stop. Then, when you accept, be chastised for accepting her offer.

Step nine. Find a hotel and grab something quick for dinner.

Step ten. Stay up all night worried because your mom now has food poisoning and has been throwing up non-stop since 9pm. 

Step eleven. Complete the drive while contemplating taking your mom to the hospital as she continues to throw up next to you into a plastic bag. She will continue to refuse any medical attention.

Step twelve. Reach your destination! 

TIPS & TRICKS

It is ok to experience many conflicting emotions. Yes, you’re both annoyed with your mom and worried about her. Both of these things can be true!

Find a hotel with no stairs for your dad. This one’s important. Your dad has serious heart problems and issues with mobility. He’s a stubborn and proud man who’d actually rather fall down the stairs than admit he cannot climb them. Don’t wait until it’s late at night and you have no other choices. You're now stuck at the hotel with no first floor rooms and no elevator. Carry everyone's luggage up the stairs and yell at your brother to help you.

Set expectations with your brother. This also falls into the ‘experiencing conflicting emotions’ category. You want to take care of your younger brother, but he’s an adult now. It’s ok to discuss expectations with him before leaving for your journey. 

The way back home. When you decide you want to drive back home - maybe keep an escape plan handy. This’ll come in clutch when you tell your mom you’re thinking of driving back a day early and she calls you to berate you for ‘telling her what she’s going to do.’ 

Good luck! I hope you enjoy this recipe. Comment below with your experiences and suggestions. You can subscribe below as well. As always, happy experimenting!