Peace in Photography

It has been a few months since Beatrice left the house, really left the house to engage in any activity besides work. It has been hard for her since the passing of Edwin. As she sat up in bed, she reflected on her wedding day and remembered every word spoken when saying her vows. Till death do us part hit her like a ton of bricks. She did not think that would be a reality so soon. She sat quietly in bed telling herself she did not sign up for this, she did not sign up for a life without Edwin. Beatrice sobbed uncontrollably as she turned and saw the empty side of the bed. Beatrice found comfort it was Saturday, and she did not have to interact with the world until Monday when she returned to work. As she pushed herself to get out of bed, her goal for the day was to at least eat something. She got up and with the last bit of energy left she was able to make it to the kitchen to drink a smoothie for breakfast. She took herself back to the bedroom and her new objective was to get into bed. That was Beatrice’s routine for the rest of the weekend. That has been Beatrice’s routine for the past couple of weekends for the past couple of months. Monday arrived and Beatrice’s alarm went off and she got ready for the day. When Beatrice was ready to leave the house, before she stepped out of the door, she gave herself a pep talk.

“You can do this; well, you have no choice. You must do this”.

Beatrice made it through the workday by counting down the hours for her to return to the house.  To return to an empty house, she reminded herself. She couldn't reference it as home anymore since Edwin was gone. It was no longer a home. Edwin made it home. Now it was simply a place she inhabited not even a place she lived because she was not truly living. At this point she was just functioning and at the bare minimum. When the clock struck 5pm, Beatrice found the energy to quickly pack her things to head to the house. Her co-workers have been so understanding and supportive. They gave her the space she needed. They checked on her often but did not impose on her to socialize. Beatrice got in the car and as she drove to the house, she could not contain the tears anymore. It pained her to be in the moment, it pained her to be in the house, it pained her to be without him. Beatrice felt she lost everything and could not find the meaning of anything anymore. Beatrice reached the house, dropped her bags on the coffee table, and her goal once again was to make it to her bed. As she made her way to the room her phone rang. She answered and it was her best friend, Serena. Serena did her usual check in and shared she would be coming over to see her this upcoming weekend. Beatrice reluctantly agreed. She really wasn't up for company, but she also knew she wouldn't be up for company for a long time, so it would not make a difference if she came this weekend or a weekend three months from now. The pain of Edwin’s absence was so intense, and Beatrice was clearly aware happiness had escaped her. The only emotion she had room for was sadness. Beatrice sobbed herself to sleep as she has done for the past couple of months since Edwin has been gone.

The week quickly went as fast as it came, and it was Saturday again. Beatrice knew Serena was coming over so she woke up early so she could fix up a little before she arrived. Beatrice went to the closet and stood frozen and motionless. During the week she moved quickly as she gathered the strength to make it to work on time daily and on the weekends, she did not leave the house, so she did not pay much attention to the closet. Today, as she prepared for company, she was forced to notice Edwin’s clothes were still in the closet. Beatrice started to sob.  Beatrice told herself

“I just cannot do this”

As she was in mid thought the doorbell rang. Beatrice answered with tears cascading on the sides of her face. Serena embraced her and they both walked into the house. Beatrice explained she just went into the closet and could not keep it together. After Beatrice composed herself, Serena suggested they should start clearing out the closet. She explained

“It will not stop the pain you are feeling but it will help with the healing process”.

Beatrice agreed. Serena went to the kitchen, boiled some water, and made tea for Beatrice and herself. After drinking the tea, they both sat at the dining room table across from each other and sat in silence for as long as Serena felt Beatrice needed. After some time passed, Serena asked Bertice if she was ready to do one of the hardest things left in her journey of grief. Beatrice honestly replied

“no”,

but she said

“With your support let’s try”.  

As they made piles for the donation bin, Beatrice saw a box on the top shelf of the closet. Beatrice forgot she placed it there the day Edwin and her moved into the apartment.  She reached up and got the box. Beatrice and Serena sat on the closet floor, and she opened the box.  Beatrice found a canon t7i rebel camera and she smiled. Beatrice was so lost in her grief she forgot at one point in her life photography was her passion. She held the camera and sat in silence with Serena. Beatrice had not smiled in a couple of months; she had not smiled since that morning when Edwin and her were rushing out of the house because they were both running late for work. She quickly gave him a peck on the cheek. Edwin stopped Beatrice by pulling the tail of her jacket and said

“Are you sure that is how you give a proper good-bye, with a smile. Now, let me show you how to give a proper good-bye” as he drew her in.

Edwin leaned in, held Beatrice’s face with his two hands and softly kissed her. Beatrice walked away with a smile on her face not knowing that goodbye was forever. Beatrice wiped the tears from her eyes and shared with Serena the last time she was with Edwin. Serena comforted her and told her she would get through this. Serena and Beatrice continued clearing out the closet until all the clothes were sorted for the donation bin. Serena shared she would return tomorrow to bring the clothes to Good Will. Beatrice agreed. Beatrice walked Serena to the door as Serena reminded her,

“tomorrow “

and Bertice replied

“I know.”

Beatrice got ready for bed; she placed the box with the camera next to her nightstand. She started to reminisce on the different adventures she engaged in exploring caves in the snow, waterfalls in the summer, and the memories were captured by Cam as she called her camera. Beatrice smiled as the memories flooded back. She remembered finding peace when she was in nature capturing the moment. She found much joy when her pictures elicited an emotion when someone saw them. Beatrice realized in the move those pictures got misplaced. She always wanted to take pictures again, but life ran away with her, and Cam was tucked away just like her memories. Beatrice got in bed. It was the first night she did not cry herself to sleep.

The next morning. Beatrice woke up and decided after Serena came for the clothes, she would take Cam out to capture whatever needed to be captured in the moment. Beatrice charged Cam's battery, got ready, and waited for Serena. The bell rang and Beatrice answered. She shared with Serena she was going to walk to a nearby park to take some pictures. Serena was pleased Beatrice was leaving the house voluntarily. After Serena got the clothes for donation, she gave Beatrice a hug and a kiss as she made her way to the door to exit the apartment. Serena reminded Beatrice; she would give her a call later. Beatrice took Cam and started to make her way to the door. She hesitated for a few minutes then she took a deep breath and told herself she could do this. This time it was not because she had to, it was because she wanted to.