In the Church

I slowly climb the steps and pull a scarf out of my bag, to cover my head. It's cool, and quiet in the church, away from the heat and bustle outside. Today is my afternoon off and I did some shopping. The church is empty. Suddenly I worry that I have forgotten how to cross myself, is it left then right, or the other way round ? I tell myself that if I do not think about it, I will automatically do it correctly. Now I am near the front row. There is no one else here. I move into a pew, and slip down onto the kneeling cushion. I'm still not sure why I have come. I haven't been to church for a long time, and I've never been in this church before. I often pass this church when I travel on the bus, and I always sit upstairs on the side where I can see the shrine outside, as the bus passes the building. In the dark evenings there are always lights around the shrine, and it looks very nice, almost welcoming.  

The kneeling cushion is uncomfortable. I sit up, and then look up. There are two statues. One is of Jesus on the cross, with his outstretched arms, which look so painful. The sculpter has polished the arms to make them look so life-like, but are those arms outstretched to welcome me, or to push me farther away. I cannot decide. Jesus is looking down, not straight at me, as if He wants to avoid seeing me, and perhaps He is thinking that I am intruding on His suffering.  

The statue on the other side is of Mary and the baby Jesus. That statue reminds me of when I went to church after each of my two children was born. They are all grown up now of course, but I still remember my mother always telling me I should at least go to church after a birth, "churching" she called it, to give thanks for a safe delivery. But Mary is not looking at her baby, or at me. Mary seems to be looking a long way ahead, perhaps to the time when she will be looking at her son, her first born, for the last time, hanging on that horrible cross.  

I can't seem to catch the eye of either of them. Can either of them help me, or at least give me some sort of peace ? Can I hope that one, or maybe both of you statues, are telling me that everything will turn out all right, in the end ? Or is it all hopeless ?  

He's younger than me, quite a bit younger. We've known each other for several years. We met, sometimes secretly, sometimes openly, but only as friends, although we confided with each other more and more. He said he was going to divorce his wife. One day he admitted that he was in love with me, but almost as if it had been something he hadn't wanted to happen, and something he had perhaps been fighting. I wasn't sure I believed him, until I saw how jealous he became when another man was talking to me. That was the time I should have told him that I felt the same as him.  

Then that cursed pandemic struck. We couldn't meet, and he said he had no choice but to go back to be with his wife. We could still text each other. Texting is something you can do silently, not like phoning, which might be overheard. We would often text each other at night, when I was in bed, and that was great fun, although I had to be careful not to write anything that might be taken the wrong way, or he might not reply. I was always relieved with each reply, and we took ages to finally say goodnight. Also we had to be careful not to write anything too personal. Not that anyone else was ever going to unlock our phones and see what we had been telling each other, but we both knew that it would be a long time before we were going to be able to meet again, and then tell each other our true feelings.  

That pandemic changed so many things, not only how people communicated but also the way many people worked. When the restrictions were lifted he wanted me to meet him from work. I was so excited, and I planned how I would tell him how I really felt, no longer being merely texting friends. It never occurred to me that he could have changed. When I told him how I still loved him, and reminded him of what he had told me before, he became angry, and told me that I should find someone else, someone nearer my age. That hurt. Did he merely want to meet me to tell me that it was all finished, so that it would be quite clear that I was being dumped ? Was this something he dared not text to me, for fear that I might do something silly ? I didn't know what to say. I felt anger, and I felt a sort of wretchedness, and of hopelessness for the future. I was expecting that at least we would carry on as if the pandemic had never happened, but he made it clear that any friendship we had was finished.  

I still text him, every few days, but he never replies, not even with a "like". I don't worry that he has blocked me on his phone, or I think I would get some sort of message, but does he read what I write ? I should have been much more careful when I met him that day from work. I should have started by acting as we did when we were first friends. I think he never wanted to be reminded of what he had told me before. Maybe he felt it was a sign of weakness, something he now wanted to forget. We have sometimes met accidentally, and he's always been pleasant enough, but I always get the feeling that the real problem is our age difference, me being so much older than him, like the age difference between Mary and Jesus.    

I look at the statues again. Are both of them praying, Mary for Jesus, and Jesus for the world ? Does praying actually work ? Suppose A is in love with B, but B is in love with C, and they all pray. What happens ? 

It's getting late, and it is not as light in the church as before, and the changed light on the faces of the statues makes me think that now both of them are looking at me. Are they feeling sorry for me, or could it be that they are actually praying for me ?  

A priest comes up to me and says quietly, "I'm sorry, but I have to lock up in a few minutes," and then he goes round the church, snuffing out all the candles. Candles are supposed to help carry prayers to Heaven. I watch as the smoke from each snuffed out candle curls upwards. Are prayers for me curling upwards to Heaven also ?  

The priest looks at me. I nod towards him, pick up my shopping, and quickly leave. As I take off my scarf and walk down the steps, finally the emptiness of my future seems to have gone.