It Was Never Going to be Me

6:00 am, my alarm goes off. I groan, not wanting to get up. However, I roll over and smack the alarm to shut it up. I sit up in bed slowly, my heart is heavy. I remove the comforter from my body and stand up. My body aches… I walk over to my closet and grab the dress that has been hanging on the door for 3 weeks. I look at the dress and think to myself, “why...?”

I slip on the dress, careful to not rip the seams. I slide it over my legs, then onto my shoulders, strap by strap. I grab the long strings to the corset part of the dress and tighten it, to the point to where I can’t breathe. What’s the point of breathing? I ask myself quietly. I tie up the corset part of the dress and head to do my hair and makeup.

I curl my hair, slowly brushing out each section before curling it. The curling iron touches my neck, yet I feel no pain. I keep curling my hair, expressionless. My hair is now curled, and I gently run my fingers through the curls, to soften them out. The soft curls bounce at my waist. I decide to pull my hair up. I pull my hair out of my face, only putting half of it up in a fancy bun. My hair is curled, I don’t want to do my makeup, for I know it will only get ruined later. I sit down at my vanity anyways and start putting on some blush and highlighter. I go light with my makeup, so it won’t be noticeable when it is ruined.

I look at the time on my phone, it is now 7:45. The ceremony starts at 8:30. Who chooses to get married this early in the morning? I hear a horn honk outside, I already knew it was Tessa, I didn’t even have to check. I walk out to her car; my heart grows heavier with every step. Once I’m in the car, she looks at me with pity. She says she understands how hard this day will be for me, but she doesn’t. She’ll never understand.

We arrive at the venue a little before 8:20, all the guests are about to be seated. Once the ceremony starts, the guests take their seats. I walk out and down the aisle with the best man. As I'm walking down the aisle, I pretend I'm the bride. Walking down the aisle to my wonderful husband, walking down to Luke. My heart throbs, I don't want to be here. We get to the front and take our places on each side. I’m lost in thought when the brides song comes on. I look up to see the bride, the beautiful bride, walking down the aisle. She makes it to the front as all the guests watch her in awe. I can only look at her with envy in my veins.

I've always looked at my twin sister with envy. She's so much prettier than me, she's kinder, smarter, she's just better than me in every way possible. She's such an angel... why couldn't I be loved like she is. I will never live up to her, I will always be nothing compared to her. Even my parents loved her more than they loved me. They praised her for everything, while I was always the one getting yelled at. Luke had always promised me that nothing would come between us, not even my sister. He grew up disliking my sister, no matter how kindly she treated me, he said he'd never be with someone like her. I wonder what happened to that.

The priest clears his throat then begins talking. I zone out, until we get to the vows.

“Angela, I promise to care for you in sickness and in health. For you are my one true love, the love of my life, and the mother of my future kids. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I couldn’t ask for anyone better. There is no one else for me, no one is better than you. You matter most to me and I can’t wait to officially be yours, forever.” The groom goes on a whole monologue about how much he loves his bride. It stings.

All I can think of is our childhood to now. The way we grew up together, hung out all the time. We were best friends, except for I was in love with him. When I turned 14, I realized it. He had gotten me a really nice ring for my birthday. A promise ring, to promise we'll always be best friends. I wish it meant more than that though, but he chose my sister. He loves my sister... I wonder what life would be like if it were me in Angela's place. The one in the wedding dress, the one being loved by Luke. I wish it were me in Angela's place. All I've ever wanted is for Luke to love me back. For Luke to choose me, marry me, love me...

“You may now kiss the bride” the priest exclaims, which snaps me out of my daydream. I want to object, I want to stop the wedding. However, my body doesn’t let me. I watch as the man I’ve been in love with my entire life, kisses his bride. There was nothing I could do now. It feels like I'm dying. The pain has never gone away, and I know it never will. It's killing me, not being loved by him. It hurts so bad. I've never been in this much pain before. The rest of the wedding goes by in a flash, I don’t remember anything the next morning. All I could remember is never getting to tell my one true love how I truly felt about him.

I sob into my pillow, I think deep down I always knew…

It was never going to be me…