Misunderstood Communications

What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I didn’t sleep last night, and now it’s exam day and I’m hardly pre-

“Jeez Lily, relax, it’s not a matter of life or death”

Startled, I turn around abruptly, snapped out of my thoughts by Jill.

Jill looks back at me.

“What? I can see you sweating, and I know you’re worried about the exam because you’ve been muttering to yourself about it for the past 10 minutes.”

I sigh. Jill is always everything that I’m not. Relaxed, extremely intelligent, and just overall better than me. With long, perfect black hair, a slim build, and a perfect smile,  she’s always been the opposite of me - nervous, awkward and shy.

“Are you just not going to say anything?”

“Oh… sorry.” I mutter, realizing that it must have looked like I was ignoring her. “It’s just… Yeah,  I’m really worried about the afternoon exam… I know it looks stupid, but I really feel bad about it.”

Jill sighs and rolls her eyes dramatically, like a tragically misunderstood character in a play. “You worry too much Lily. I know exam season is tough, but I’m sure you’ll manage.”

I nod silently, doing anything I can to escape the dark well of negative thoughts trying to swallow me whole. There was still a bit of time left until the exam, so maybe I could quickly refresh myself on the material before it. 

Suddenly, my phone rings, and the relaxing tunes of a gentle harp float out of the speakers and into my ears. Suddenly at ease, I take the phone and see that it’s my mom calling. Studying can wait. I pick up the call.

“Hi dear!” Comes my mom’s excited yet gentle voice from the speakers. It sounds a bit different than usual. Apprehensive? Nervous? I can’t place the tone. “I know it’s exam day and all, but me and your dad have something important to tell you.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I know what this means.

“Now, I understand if you don’t really have time for this.” My mother continues. “But the decision we’ve made is important to all three of us. And I think that it’s for the best.”

I knew it. I knew it. This is it. Why did it have to be on exam day? Why?

“Alright honey. Listen. Me and your dad have decided to-”

I hang up. I already know what’s coming next. 

In the past few months, every time I came to our house, I always heard them talking about something. As soon as I came into the room where they were, they changed the subject or stopped talking entirely. I never heard what they were saying, but I knew what it was about. When your parents are talking about something and stop as soon as you come in, it’s obvious - they’re going to divorce. But I hadn’t really thought that could really happen.

Oh god. Oh god no. Why? Why do my parents have to do this? I know they argue sometimes but I never thought it could come to this.

I remember when I was little and my parents used to take me to playgrounds or amusement parks. It was so much fun! I remember watching strangers zip by on the rides or swing around the giant carousel. I loved observing their antics, but never got the bravery to go on a ride. I stuck to carnival games and watching performances.

I never thought it could be over, just like that. That those fond childhood memories could collapse like a house of cards, that my gentle, and smart father and my pretty, constantly excited mom could just… stop being together.

I start breathing quickly. My vision blurs. I hear the distant harp playing again. My mom’s trying to call me again. But I won’t answer. I know that the bombshell is coming. I let her calls go to voicemail.

I feel dizzy, disoriented. My breathing becomes even more labored, and I start seeing things. I know the procedure for when this happens, but I just let myself slip into panic. I used to have panic attacks all the time as a kid, ever since the day that…

No. I should stop thinking about it. It’ll just make this terrible day even worse. I climb onto my bed and go into a fetal position, gently rocking myself back and forth like a seasick sailor caught in a storm. And that’s exactly what I feel like - a lonely sailor caught in the middle of a terrible tempest, forced to make it through the hardship of the sea all alone.

Jill’s been looking at me all this time. Once she sees that I’m really panicking, she walks over to me.

“Lily? Lily, don’t worry it’s gonna be ok. You’ll pass the exam just fine. You’re having a panic attack because you’re worried, right?

I nod, blinking back tears. She doesn’t know what I’m actually worried about, but she’s right.

“Don’t worry Lily. It’s gonna be ok. Breathe in slowly, then breathe out. It’ll be fine.”

Jill’s been my friend since the 1st grade, so she’s used to my panic attacks. My parents taught her how to help me through them, and since then, she’s become an expert at controlling them. I once jokingly suggested that she become a therapist, and she took it literally and started studying psychology. 

“Alright Lily. Get up and let’s go. It’s time for the exam.”

I get up, but it’s not really me controlling my body. I feel strangely alienated, as if something else entirely is in charge of my movement. I force myself back in control and slowly follow Jill out of the room, into my worst nightmare.

The exam started 10 minutes ago, and I’m still on Page 1. I just can’t tear my mind away from the thought that my parents decided to do this to me today, out of all the other days possible. Why? 

My ringtone plays again in my pocket. Several other students look over at me derisively, as I awkwardly reach into my pocket and turn on ‘Do Not Disturb’. I wish my mom would stop calling me. She’s been sending me texts and trying to call me back since the moment I hung up. I didn’t read them, of course. I already knew what they were about.

I look back down at the page. The combinations of words and letters that I usually knew so much about feels meaningless and confusing. Jill was right - the exam is easy. But I can’t do anything. The chaos in my head drowns out any and all logic. I simply can’t bring myself to put my pencil to the exam paper. 

I sigh, theatrically dropping the pencil back onto the desk. There’s no hope to pass the exam. My only hope is to resit the exam when I’m more at peace.

I check the time on my phone. 2:16 PM. Unluckily for me, the time limit on this test is only 1 hour. 

Oh god, what do I do? I’m going to fail the exam, and lower my chance of passing the final one… Why today? Why?

I get that weird feeling of not being myself again, and I fall backwards into my chair. It becomes unbalanced and slowly tilts towards the floor. I try to stop my inevitable descent, but it’s pointless. All of a sudden, I’m on the floor, as almost every student in the room looks at me, either looking concerned or trying their best not to laugh. The invigilator gazes in my direction and raises an eyebrow. I quickly right my chair and get back to staring at my exam paper.

I can do this. All I need to do is focus.

I pick up the pencil and quickly start writing the answers. Maybe if I focus only on the exam and pretend nothing else exists, it’ll work. To my surprise, I manage to reach the end of the exam just before the 45 minute mark.

Phew. I can relax now.

But I don’t relax. The moment my mind isn’t on the test, it’s on my parents. 

As soon as the invigilator announces the time for the test is over, I hand in my paper and stagger out.

Back in the dorm, Jill walks in on me sitting, hunched at my computer.

“So... Lily. Is-Is everything ok?”

I look her straight in the eyes.

“No. Jill. I’m not ok.” I try to make my voice sound cold, but it ends up sounding small, weak and pathetic. Just like always. 

“Look…” Begins Jill, but I cut her off.

“Go to hell Jill. You’re always acting like my therapist, my little guardian angel, always asking if I’m okay, or if there's anything wrong, and so on. STOP.” My words, previously quiet and timid, escalate into shouts. “I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? I REALLY DON’T. MY PARENTS JUST FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AND I…”

I stop shouting and sob, salty tears stinging the skin on my face. Jill looks at me, her face mixed between understanding and confusion. I almost shout at her again but she doesn’t deserve it. I know that.

“I’m… sorry.” I force the words out of my mouth, like a little kid apologizing to someone at the playground. 

She looks at me sincerely and hesitates a bit before saying:

“What did your parents do?”

“They… my mom was about to tell me they were going to divorce.”

She looks at me, and her mouth jerks a bit.

“Are you sure?”

I look at her. 

“Of course I’m sure…”

But there’s a note of doubt in my voice. She senses it, and motions towards my pocket.

I gasp. I reach for my phone, turn off ‘Do Not Disturb’ and scroll through the texts.

Mom:

Hello? Why did you hang up?

Missed call

Mom:

Hello? Well, I just wanted to say that me and your dad have decided to organize a day when we can all be together. You can invite Jill if you want. We just wanted to get in some nice family time, and we know you miss us.

Missed call

Mom:

I understand if you’re busy now, but please tell me if you want to go. Love you.

Missed call

I feel my heart throb. Jill, who’s been reading the texts with me, looks at me and cocks her head slightly, as if to say “I told you so”

I call my mom, and the chaos leaves my head.