34 comments

Funny Urban Fantasy Contemporary

To the human living above me, I'd like to propose some changes.


It’s been a year since you issued me your set of rules, and in that year, I’ve complied. You’re still alive, aren’t you? Your dog is still alive, yes? And if you’d bothered to check under your bed once in awhile, you’d know that it’s the cleanest it’s ever been (turns out dust bunnies and ants and snack crumbs make a delicious meal, thanks for that suggestion, by the way). Overall, I think I’ve made a really great monster-under-the-bed, and I do hope you'd agree.


Now, I know one of your requests last year was that we do not see each other again. That one stung a bit, if I’m being honest. Had you ever considered that maybe you scared the "living bageezus” out of me that first night we encountered each other? Had you ever considered that maybe you were living above my home, rather than the other way around? Any anti-speciesism courses up there in the overworld? It appears not…


Which brings me back to the purpose of this letter. I overheard you talking about some human ritual you are going to be celebrating soon called “new year, new me,” and it sounds rather nice. I thought we could give it a try. New year, new us, if you will. So, I’d like to propose some ideas on how I think we could enhance our symbiotic relationship by implementing just a few minor changes over the next year. I’m totally open to any of your ideas, Human, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far:


1.    One walk, once a week (at night, of course).


I know, for some reason, you’re a little nervous about seeing me, but I think exercise will do us good, don’t you? I could really use some fresh air, too. While dust is delicious, it's awful for my sinuses. And if we go at night, you really won’t be able to see much of me anyway. Plus, I’m a lot nicer (and more handsome) than you seem to think. If we walked together more, you’d know that. And I promise, I won’t bite.


2.    Less jumping on the bed.


You do remember I’m under here, right? That’s a hypothetical question. Of course, you know I’m under here. So, why do you insist on flopping onto the bed so much? It’s starting to make me think you want to hit me on the head, and that makes me kind of sad. Which makes me kind of angry. I have this horrible habit of over-eating when I’m angry, but lately there’s been less snack-droppings under here... Guess you’ve been keeping last year’s goal of eating less snacks before bed, huh? Great for you, awful for me. There’s significantly less ants now. Again, you do know I’m under here, right?


3.    Eat more snacks (preferably in bed).


I’ve done such a great job of not eating you or your dog, not that I would anyway. I’m not sure why humans are so adamant about the human-eating monster thing. Just because a few of us tend to do that, doesn’t mean we all do it. I actually fancy myself more of a vegetarian diet. (Though, I would not be opposed to helping you dispose of your beloved, chocolate-ear-flavored doggo once he reaches his final year, but we can discuss that when the time comes since I know that not eating him was at the top of your list of rules.)


To be clear: I am not asking for a large snack, but maybe a dish of those spicy red crunchy cracker things you used to eat all the time with Emily would be nice every now and then? Or, you know, whatever snacks you like the best. I’m not all that picky. Just hungry.


4.    Share the remote.


Have you considered that maybe not everyone in your room is interested in watching reruns of Lost? I mean, you’ve rewatched the entire show at least ten times, and I’m still confused. I’m more of a rom-com monster myself. It seemed like you were interested in those more when Emily was around, and I loved them. Especially the ones with that guy with the egg-shaped head and the weird voice. He was funny. I miss watching those. And I miss Emily. Where did she go, by the way? She made the whole place smell wonderful, like coconuts and fresh roses. Though, I got bonked on the head a lot more when she was around. That, I don’t miss.


Anyway, yes, this year, I think we should find something we both like to watch, especially since that’s all you seem to do anymore.



5.    Drink more water.


Who couldn't benefit from drinking more water? I know I'm getting pretty dehydrated down here. Perhaps, you could leave a bowl of water on the floor for me near the bed? It might even remind you to drink a little more, too, which I overheard you adding to your list. Sounds like a win-win to me.


6.    Wear socks in the house.


You asked me to return them, and I have. Several! So why don’t you wear them? Your feet are pretty much all I get a good view of, and the long nails are really starting to gross me out. I'm not keeping track or anything, but I think the last time you clipped them was when Emily gave you a pedicure. The humans who think monsters have long sharp claws clearly have never seen your feet. So, you might want to address that this year... Or, put on some socks. It's common courtesy.


Also, is there any way I could have a pair of my own? I mean, if you’re not going to wear them…


7.    Take more showers.


Are you trying to harm my nose? Another hypothetical, but Human, hear me out, because I say this to you as your friend: you smelled a lot better when Emily was around.


And just because she's gone doesn't mean my nose doesn't work! Would a shower-a-day really be so bad, and/or would it be possible to ask Emily what kind of soap she used?


Again, it's a common courtesy thing, but it's also possible it's one of the reasons Emily isn't around anymore, so you might consider scrubbing up a bit more (especially between the toes!).


Sorry, if that's a bit harsh, Human, but it's actually a great segue into my final goal for the new year.


8.    Get back with Emily.


Okay, so this one is mainly for you, but I think we can both agree that life was so much better when Emily was around. And I really think she could help us achieve a lot of these other goals (especially with bringing back the egg-shaped guy and those spicy crackers).


If she were back in your life, I think both of our lives would improve, which in turn, might benefit our relationship. I mean, you never wanted to hear from me again and for awhile, that was working for us. But now that I’ve experienced life with Emily, it’s gotten really hard to live with you now that she’s gone… So… If you could get back with her as soon as possible, that would be ideal for me us! I bet if you tell her about me, she’ll be so impressed by your anti-speciesism, she’ll jump right back into your arms (just don’t land on the bed)!


And hey, who knows? Maybe she’ll be so grateful that I got you two back together that she’d happily take me for those weekly evening walks and you wouldn’t have to worry about them. I don’t know, Human. It seems like a foolproof plan to me. As long as she doesn't see your feet and you remember to shower, I think this could really be our best year together yet. For all three of us. Don't you agree?


Anyways, it's something to consider. And I really hope you do. I know technically I'm going against your request to limit our contact by writing you this letter, but hopefully you can see that I'm only trying to help. Plus, there really isn’t a whole lot of excitement down here anymore, what with how depressed you’ve become. I hate to say it, but I really wish you were the kind of depressed person who ate themselves into oblivion so there’d be more food around. I am getting mighty hungry… I know not eating you was one of your big rules, Human, and I know I promised I wouldn’t bite. But without Emily around, things are looking a little bleak. And you know what they say up there… New year, new me. 

January 04, 2024 07:56

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34 comments

Belladona Vulpa
16:16 Jan 08, 2024

Cute monster, thoughtful, with good communication skills and a great sense of humor!

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AnneMarie Miles
17:36 Jan 08, 2024

Absolutely! Haha thanks for reading, Belladona :)

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Danie Holland
17:05 Feb 16, 2024

Dearest AnneMarie, you've had your month off. Where you be? If I leave a note here will it summon you back to the world of writing we Reedsyians share? I'd like you to know I very much adored our narcistic monster under the bed. Truly. He knows what he wants and honestly, it sounds like no one looks out for his best interests like he does. For his sake, Human better get his act together. I mean seriously. What was he thinking letting Emily get away? This story brought so much joy to my day. Where ever you are, what ever is going on, howe...

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AnneMarie Miles
03:01 Feb 20, 2024

Hey Danie! You're so sweet for checking in on me 🙂 thank you! I miss the Reedsy community so much. The beginning of the year is such a busy time for me - I took a writing break at this exact same time last year, but I'm hoping this one won't be as long. I've been sick back to back for nearly 6 weeks and my work is energetically demanding (I sing and dance with kids!) so every hour away from them I am trying to rest and recover (and be a mom!). I still read all the weekly prompts emails and daydream about submitting each week but I'm not sure...

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Marty B
03:35 Jan 08, 2024

This is a very understanding Monster, especially not eating the dog. And when even the Monster Under the Bed knows that Emily is the One, that Human needs to get going! Good one!

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AnneMarie Miles
13:50 Jan 08, 2024

Thanks Marty! This was a fun one to revisit (the original was from the humans perspective!). But I agree; we can only hope all monsters under the bed would be so kind!

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04:03 Jan 06, 2024

Wow, I really loved this story! Super funny, and the monster is quite endearing (and makes some really convincing points!). I see you mention in the comments it's a sequel, looking forward to reading the other perspective!

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AnneMarie Miles
13:51 Jan 08, 2024

Thanks for the read, Melissa! It was fun to imagine a rebuttal from the monster, especially after a year since writing the first. Glad you enjoyed it :)

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Rebecca Miles
20:22 Jan 04, 2024

Ahhh, I'm so glad we've come full circle this year; I remember the first monster story very well and this is so cute, hearing his perspective. And what's not to find totally endearing? A monster who actually thinks of "us", and encourages us to shower, think about our stinky feet, loves rom com's and helps us out in a personable way with our love life. No one needs to take anti-speciesism courses in the overworld if this critter is anything to go by. Tell him my door is open, space under the bed is free, AND I still have snacks in my bedroom...

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AnneMarie Miles
15:24 Jan 05, 2024

With Monster Rules being a year old, it warms my heart to know we've been connected for that long! Not sure if this counts as an "inspired" piece as I was so out of ideas I cheated and revived this one 😅 the first one wrote itself, this one gave me a headache 🫨😂 there's no doubt in my mind, you'd make the best over world human on the planet! You'll have a line out your door, sister scribbler! 🧌

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Wally Schmidt
18:19 Mar 02, 2024

Just catching up on my Reedsy reading now, but so enjoyed this tale you’ve woven! Just the bit of humour I needed to start the day. Hope you are not on extended break. So love reading your stories-

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AnneMarie Miles
03:04 Mar 03, 2024

Thanks for reading wally :) and for the kind words. Glad this silly tale can bring you some joy. I am currently on a little break but I hope to be back very soon and will playing catch up, too! Wishing you well and happy writing!

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Mary Bendickson
19:15 Jan 04, 2024

At first I thought living in an apartment a floor below but when realized actually under the bed, yes, you clearly stated that, but my mind was stubborn, then I got it. The things we humans forget to consider...

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AnneMarie Miles
15:18 Jan 05, 2024

Brains can be stubborn! This is a follow up from a story I wrote a year ago about a person setting rules for his monster under the bed. It was fun to revisit. Thanks for reading.

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Mary Bendickson
17:10 Jan 05, 2024

I'll see if I can find that one when I have time.

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Michelle Oliver
08:10 Jan 04, 2024

Cute. The monster under the bed is a perspective that I’ve not thought of before. Love the way it interprets the human world and emotions through it’s observations.

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AnneMarie Miles
16:40 Jan 04, 2024

Thanks Michelle! This is a sequel to a story I wrote a year ago told from the humans perspective. I'll say it was a bit more challenging to reverse the roles but I'm pleased with it. For now 🙃 thanks again!

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Michelle Oliver
22:26 Jan 04, 2024

It had the feeling of a sequel so I will have to go back and look for the original.

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Hammy S
14:36 Mar 30, 2024

Hilarious!

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Yuliya Borodina
05:56 Mar 01, 2024

I want one! I want my own monster, haha! This story made me smile, which I think is the greatest compliment a reader can send the author's way. Thank you!

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Lei King
23:31 Feb 14, 2024

I remember reading the other side of this story months ago ! It's great to see it again but from the monster's side. Human needs to get his shit together and get back with Emily. Glad to be back. Your friend, Lei King.

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Liesl Roorda
20:49 Jan 30, 2024

Cute story. I have a high school student who is very interested in using this piece to read aloud in the prose category of a local speech contest. Would you consider granting permission to do this?

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Liesl Roorda
07:11 Feb 04, 2024

We are wondering if you've had a chance to review our request yet.

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Kate Winchester
18:10 Jan 17, 2024

This was creative and funny! Great job!

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Helen A Smith
18:02 Jan 14, 2024

This story felt familiar and I remembered enjoying the earlier one. The monster feels very human and has some likeable qualities. Emily definitely needs to return asap. There’s nothing nicer than lovely smells to make a person feel good. Maybe some complementary fragrances might entice her back. Unfortunately, I get the feeling Emily may not exactly be in a rush to return. So long as the monster leaves the dog alone?? An enjoyable read and fun response to the prompt.

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James Lane
19:44 Jan 12, 2024

haha, life really is better with Emily around! I love how the monster is both selfish and caring (and endearing) - like the human(s) he lives under. Maybe there's hope for them.

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Kailani B.
23:29 Jan 11, 2024

What a fun story! A matchmaking, goal-oriented monster is something I never knew I wanted. I hope Emily comes back; I get the impression she would be okay with taking the monster for walks.

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Kathleen Jessup
22:00 Jan 10, 2024

Great story, really enjoyed it.

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Ana M
21:54 Jan 09, 2024

I like the way the story of Human and Emily is narrated from the Monster`s perspective.

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Martin Harp
20:20 Jan 09, 2024

this makes me think about how people say spiders are more scared of you than we are of them!

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Michał Przywara
21:44 Jan 08, 2024

A fun follow up story, and a nice darkness looming under it all. I really like that final line, and the implied threats - kind of a firm “get your act together”. But the monster is otherwise well-spoken and reasonable, and has a fun voice. We understand its frustrations, and it's clear it cares on some level, even if it's been treated shabbily. Thanks for sharing!

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