Secret Letter

Aprilis 10th, 2155

45 District B, Centrum, Domesticus

Dear Chloe,

If you're reading this, it only means one thing. I'm dead. My death might resemble an accident or suicide. I'm writing this to tell you it most probably isn't. 

I don't know where to begin. I feel so bad hiding all this from you. I wish I could have told you the truth from the start. I can't imagine how you would feel when you discover all this after I'm gone. 

I carry this heavy burden on my chest everyday. Evey conversation we have. Everytime I look in your eyes. 

But I bear all this pain to protect you. 

You're aware of how your father's imprisonment has affected me. I couldn't hide that from you. Knowing that the love of my life is alive but so far from reach is unbearable. I know you miss him too, but you hide it from me. You out on a brave smile for my sake. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry I couldn't talk about it with you. I'm sorry we couldn't grieve his loss together. I just couldn't, and still can't, accept it. I feel it in my core that he would come back to us again. 

You've noticed how I became more distant lately and you asked me repeatedly if I had been hiding something.

You were right. I lied to you.

What happened was this. We've received an offer from the enemy. They offered to free fifty of our POWs in exchange for the identity of one particular spy. It seemed to me, my boss as well, that this was a great offer. We went through the usual Militray and Secret Service channels. But to everyone's surprise, the offer was rejected. 

What was even more surprising was the enemy's response. They offered to free a hundred prisoners. That was an offer we could not refuse. A hundred of our imprisoned soldiers in exchange for the identity of one person. I could feel your father coming back to us. I dreamed of his warm embrace when I greet him at the airport. It's been two years already. He must still be alive. He could have survived the torture. He must have. And among a hundred soldiers, he had to be one of them. 

But my dreams were shattered when the Secret Service rejected the second offer. They even went as far as declaring that this request would be denied no matter what the offer was. It was non negotiable.

I became furious.

How could one spy's life be worth more than a hundred of our soldiers? It didn't make sense. Who ever he was. Even if he was royalty. It was unacceptable. I just couldn't sit by and let this continue.

I knew the risks of going to the press. I knew I would be breaking the law and my oath. I would be a traitor and spend the rest of my life in prison or hanged. That would have been the outcome of my success, if the story reached the press and got published. 

There was another alternative. Failure. The reason I am writing this secret letter to you and taking these measures of hiding it where no-one could find it but you.

If the Secret Service found out I was trying to leak top secret information to the press, they would try to stop me. It was highly likely that they would kill me.

What would happen to you, my dear Chloe? You would live the rest of your life in the dark. Fed some fabricated story about the death of your mother that wasn't true. And you would never know that your country had the chance to free your father and bring him back to us, yet they chose not to. 

I am faced with a terrible choice. Do I burden you with the truth? How would you handle it? How would you live the rest of your life? How would you continue your service for our country as an engineer for the Secret Service?

Ignorance might be a bliss. The lie of an accidental death might give you closure and allow you to live the rest of your life in happiness. You would grieve for some time, but eventually, you would move on. I know you're strong. Hopefully you would fall in love and start a family of your own and live happily ever after. 

But what if you were too smart and you noticed an inconsistency? What if you didn't find answers? What if you weren't able to shut that voice in your head telling you that something wasn't right? What if they made my death look like suicide and you didn't believe it? 

The possibilities were endless. 

I can't let you live like that. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve closure. 

I owe it to you as your mother.

I'm sorry. It might seem selfish of me, throwing away my life like that. I hope you don't think so. I hope you see this as an act of bravery. Of standing up for what's right. 

I want you to know I don't expect you to follow my steps. Actually, I prefer if you don't. I prefer if you let this go as a failed attempt and accept this dark and unpleasant reality for what it is. 

Find love and start a family. Follow your passion. Live your life. Enjoy your life. That would certainly make me happy if I could watch you from where I was.

However, if you choose to act, I will also accept that as well.

We raised you to be independant. To make your own choices.

I will respect whatever you decide. I won't judge you whatever you do.

I believe in you.

I did what was right for me. You do what's right for you.

I love you. I always had. I always will. I hope we'll meet again in the afterlife, if there was one.

Just promise me this. No matter what you decide to do, you'll always find happiness and joy. Keep your smile as you venture through life.

Love,

Ada