In a Sea of Stars

In a Sea of Stars

By Heather Ann Martinez

There were nights I would go out and walk up the hill to that spot you once took me to. You called it the best seat in the house and you would say we were looking up at a ceiling. We would be settled on one of my throw blankets and you would tell me all the names of your stars underneath that celestial canopy. I never felt more secure than in those moments, and I imagine you are there in your sea of stars.

Unfortunately, I do not know where you are. I can only imagine what is going on in your life. I know you can never come home. You can never share this throw blanket with me again. I know you didn’t me to hurt me Archer, but you did. There is a nice scar across my right cheek reminding me every day. I know you would say you didn’t directly cause the scar, and you are right. You just brought chaos into my family’s logistics business. You would say I shouldn’t have gone back into the burning building and I was stupid for doing so. All I kept thinking was my dog Lucy was trapped in the fire. The fire chief said the fire was an accident, but I knew you started it. You were tired of working for my family. You wanted us to retire and enjoy life. My father made the mistake of telling you how much the company was insured for. It was your golden ticket to the life you wanted to have.

At first, I didn’t think of it as insurance fraud. I thought about the beaches, the vacation properties we could buy. I didn’t want to keep working forever either. My parents had enough to retire on. I just didn’t know Lucy was still in the office. Lucy usually followed me everywhere I went waiting for a treat or attention. I couldn’t leave her in the burning building. I thought I could get both of us out before the flames consumed us, but I was wrong. I slipped and cut my cheek on the wood plank lying on the floor outside the office. I don’t remember very much about what happened that night. I woke up in the hospital to my father screaming at me for going back inside. My dad said that Lucy died. My dad said you contacted the insurance company as the office was burning. He said you knew I was inside the building trying to rescue Lucy, and you did nothing to rescue me. It wasn’t much later that my father told me all of the travel plans you made did not include me. You booked all of the trips for one guest. Even though I obtained my passport photos at the post office, you never gave anyone my passport application. You planned on leaving me behind.

My dad sent men to look for you. He wanted to harm you or worse. I try not to think about it too much. Part of me wants them to find you and part of me doesn’t want them too. You have made a lot of poor decisions Archer. Crossing my father is probably the worst decision you have made. My father is relentless in his pursuit of justice. Even though the police have told my father to stand down, I know in my heart he never will. You brought my family to a state of grief we have never experienced before. I knew you were sort of a bad influence on me when we met. I had no idea back then that this is where we would be now. My dad can hardly look at me. My mom always tells me she is disappointed with me. She blames you for all of my bad behavior, but I don’t. You just dangled a carrot in front of me. I could have and should have chosen not to pursue it.

Then Friday night would come. You would bring home new brochures and all kinds of information on how we were going to spend our insurance money. You knew the business was in my name and I would receive the insurance payout. My dad founded the company but passed ownership onto me shortly before you and I met. You really did try to put me back together. I will give you credit for trying. I had just gotten out of rehab for substance abuse. I went from drugs to you and back again. You seemed better suited to hide it from my parents when we were at the office. You were always quick to tell them you needed me to go on site with you when I was high. You’d let me sleep in the truck. I was a mess. I thought you loved me. I thought you really wanted me to be your plus one on a future adventures. As my dad has pieced together, I was utterly mistaken.

Even though I thought the business insurance payout was all you were after, there was more. There was my life insurance policy that listed you as the sole beneficiary. I admit I was too messed up to remember if I signed those documents. The police are still investigating all of the policies and all of the documents that are in my name. I don’t recall taking out small business loans or bouncing checks from accounts I didn’t know I was a co-signer on. I wish we had never met. The truth is that I would have met someone else like you. I was a magnet for trouble. Trouble always followed me. I think the only difference between you and any other guy that wanted to rob me is you got greedy. You stayed longer than you planned. At least, that is what the guy that made your fake passport told one of my dad’s friends. All you saw were opportunities to acquire the money you wanted to use on your future. I told my dad I didn’t want to know if one of his associates found you. I like to hold on to the hope that you are still alive out there in the sea of stars. I married someone evil. I don’t want to become evil. I have seen what that can do. I have a lot of sins to repent for. Losing Lucy is at the top of my list. I don’t know if redemption is even possible for people like you and me. I know I will spend the rest of my life searching for it.