Temptation

Friend,

I’m writing to you because I trust you with the secrets reserved for those with which I have the strongest rapport. Undoubtedly, you know the content of my character and can tell me if I’ve gone off the rocker. I wouldn’t willingly admit this, but I’m doing so because I need help. I think I’ve fallen in love. That would be wonderous, if not for the precise circumstance in which this feeling has come. The silly thing is the object of my affection is not someone that I can currently have. I am her superior at work and fear any interaction with her outside of that professional environment may get inappropriate quickly. Okay... You know that this has not deterred me before. The real reason that I have reservations about this one is the fact that she is only 17 years old, making me six years her senior.

Please do not panic. I have not done anything that would make you question my commitment to strong morality. Before you judge me, please let me explain myself. It all started on my drive home from work one night. It was unlike any other night, yet I couldn’t get her out of my head. The lyrics of every love song resonated with me. I found myself unable to stop wondering how she felt about me, despite all my rationalizations as to why it was wrong. I consider myself a very rational man, yet I could not control my reactions to this girl. The story should have been simple enough. I am six years her senior, so I did not see her as a romantic option, until I got to know the content of her character. I noticed little about her, except the way that she took on life with a brazen positivity. Her laugh and aura were infectious. Gradually, I must have started to unknowingly leave myself vulnerable. I began to view her differently as soon as I recognized how she moved me. By the time I realized what had happened, my awe had already changed my perspective of her. I appreciated how she made me laugh with her spontaneity and her unabashed spirit. My subdued personality slowly became more vibrant in her presence, knowing that I was welcomed however I decided to show myself.

That is not all. I started to draw closer to her, completely thoughtless that I leaned in to her when we shared a laugh together. I tried to outsmart the feelings that I had by any means. I even dated other people and found myself still wanting more. I confided in my love about my relationship dissatisfaction, and she seemed tickled that I would be single again. That is the reason that this well of feeling has bothered me so much. You know that I’m a deep feeler whose ideas are driven by the passion I find in life. I keep thinking about the possibility that my indecision could be justified by the fact that we are meant to be together in the future. Why does this moral gray area end shortly after she turns 18, but seem so punishing right now? If we’re really meant to be together, our age difference won’t matter in only ten years’ time. All this time I’ve been feeling so repulsive for having these feelings, but I can’t see anything wrong with our relationship after I’ve done some rational thinking. But, if I pursue her and she rejects me, I get labeled as a pervert and surely my reputation will be ruined.

I don’t think I can control my feelings much longer. Friend, do not be so quick to label me animalistic. I want only to protect her from the world she’s been knocked down by so far. I do see myself in her, and the age difference we have has granted me the gift to give her genuine advice from someone who has lived through her struggles. Rest assured, my intentions are pure with her. Now that I’ve had some time to process the emotions with the relief that someone finally knows, I can recognize where my affections started. One night, we were working together and she confided in me that she feels that her mother treats her cruelly. She gave me the impression that she feels that her mother’s love is unreliable and that any relationship with her is inherently unsafe due to her mother’s volatility. I want to be the one to protect her because I see the strength of her character and I wish her no more harm.

Therein lies the moral dilemma I find myself in tonight. I’ve written countless letters to her, detailing how my feelings have grown. Hell, I have even written a confessional to let out the things here that I dare not admit out loud. I know it’s wrong to let these feelings blossom, but the heart wants what it wants.

Yours truly,

E

Friend,

              I know you’ve barely received my previous letter, but I have some developments regarding my affection with the girl. I was not able to bar myself from telling her I loved her, in a rather blatant way. I just flat out said it! We have such good rapport that I did not worry that she would react in disgust to me. I left her to read between the lines of my words. And with that, I remove myself from this folly as best as I can. I will resolve to do whatever means to curb this premature crush without involving her. I have no business pursuing her, and I recognize that she and I have a maturity gap due to her inexperience. I cannot, in good conscience, sway her decision towards me for my own pleasure. I want her to choose me because she decides she wants to on her own accord. I have to keep in mind that this is for the good of her and I. Even though my intentions are only pure, I think that this is for the best. Well… Maybe if I wrote her a letter detailing so, she could make a better-informed decision…