Waiting Beneath the Blue

CW: Drowning

Cold. Dark. Empty. Everything is cold, dark and empty. All around me. Not a sliver of light, sign of life or touch of warmth for as far as I can see. As I look up to the surface I see the sun trying to shine through the calm waters but the blue is an iron door, keeping it out and me in. The bubbles of my breath have long since left my lungs and reached the surface, as it did I imagine all I needed to tell you being written inside. Like a message in a bottle it would reach you in time for you to come and save me once more. As you always have. You have always been what pulled me to the surface, when the cold set into my bones and the dark chased the light away and left me alone you always lifted me up. When the blue imprisons me in my body I think of you, of your body guiding mine, and I am able to swim a little closer to the surface. Just a little bit and I hope it is enough for you to reach me, for you to pull me up from the depths and out of the water. You always showed up and got me through it. Illuminating the dark and killing the cold with the warmth of you. Will you do it once more, will you help me see the light? Perhaps not. Perhaps my chances have run out and you have realized the cold, dark and empty always will surround me, always keep me from telling you what you need to be told. Treating you as you need to be treated. I saw a little light above me, and I thought it was you but as I blinked it went away and I realized the truth. And yet, like a fool doing the same again and again but expecting the results to differ, I await you. I await your touch and out-stretched hand. I await being saved. It is the only thing I can do here, down in the depths. And as I wait the chills along my body battle with the memory of your touch. When my body remembers the cold loses its bite and I feel warm again and I am able to lift my hand to the surface. For a moment am I given respite.

I have never fallen this far before. The first time it was not so bad. Not so cold or dark or empty. When I stumbled the first time and the blue engulfed me, the cold only prickled at my skin, the dark only dimming the light a little. As a mother does to her baby in a cradle, the swirling currents did not rock me violently but rather lulled me to sleep. I could still see life. Fish swam around me, beautiful colourful little things. The first fall led to a second to a third and with each time I sunk further. The cold went from a light prickling to the skin to a piercing cold that made my blood freeze in my veins. The currents once so soft and lulling now grabbed at me, shoving me around. The light dimming of the sun got worse until I no longer could make out the shapes of that which swam around me. The colourful little fishes of that first time lost their colour and interest in me.

Then there was you. I do not remember exactly when you came along but it was around the time when the loneliness began to set in, when I could feel the presence of heartbeats around me, the warmth of their bodies close enough to sense but not to feel or stave off the shivering. I had never felt so cold before. Not a cell of my body or atom of my being held any warmth and I was so starved of it. And the shivering. Oh how I shivered. I am actually surprised my bones did not snap. That is when I saw you. It took me a while to notice that the little light still hitting my face had turned to shade. When I opened my eyes I was met by yours. And how stunning they were. They saw right through me, saw me for more than the still body floating around. They saw me. You saw me. Immediately I was met by your golden embrace. Having been encased in the freezing blue for so long the warmth was a complete stranger to me. Then you smiled. Not only did you smile but you smiled at me. And I swear the light I had lost came rushing back. The ice melted from my body and light soft blue took the place of the harsh dark. We were no longer in the depths but in that surface water. I could feel the water swishing around us, the currents pushing us closer to each other, like the hands of fate. From there on, everytime I found myself in such depths I would close my eyes, let the memory of your touch bring heat to my skin and when I reopened my eyes yours would light up the dark. Your hand would find mine and you would pull me to the surface. The water rushed around us, its temperature rising until I found myself above water again.

My whole body aches. There is no air left in my lungs, they feel as if collapsing upon themselves and I know I can not keep going. The surrounding blue has faded, the rays of the sun can not reach me down here and it is so freezing. I can not move, can not even close my eyes, my body is confined by ice. The surface that only a moment ago inhabited a gradient from dark to light blue, is now a solid dark plate. As are the spaces around me and beneath me. At least I think that is up and this is down. No flicker, no light at all. Even if the blue would allow it I would not be able to see my hand had it been in front of me. The life that accompanies me on my descent has since long left me. Not even the blue is alive anymore, no currents pushing me around, moving me as it pleases. Not even the slightest shift in the water, no air bubbles rising up, no nothing. I am so alone down here. I try to flood my mind with the essence of you but end up failing. The colours of you I have imprinted to memory seem to have faded, having been used too much and lost their vigour. A colourful shirt having been washed one too many times. But still I remember your face, the way my darkness cowered from the light it brought. I remember how the cold hand dragging me down would be replaced by your soft hand and the intense heat it carried. Like a wildfire injected into my bloodstream. And I remember your eyes. Their sparkling gaze pierced me and found my soul. Those eyes. Those beautiful dark blue eyes. Or were they green? Perhaps a honey brown. Nevermind. These memories of you can not give me respite anymore, I have fallen too far. I know it can not be long now. Soon I will reach the bottom and I wonder what will happen then. Perhaps my heart will stop beating, I have already felt it begin to weaken. Or should I rest on the sea bed forever awaiting your salvation?