El Roco

Transform. Change. Evolve. 

With none of these words would I associate myself, but everyone kept insisting that I was at a point of change in my life. After all, I’d just graduated from college and was starting a new job. Thanks to the scholarship I had earned, I was debt-free. 

What they didn’t know was that I had already been changing, just not in the way they’d been expecting. Looking back on it now, I’ve begun to understand why no one could see it but me. There were no physical changes, no tangible personality changes - just a restructuring of the way I thought. 

It started out as an extra job, earning 7 dollars an hour helping the security guard prowl the campus. At first I regarded it with a sense of contempt, just a way to get by while I was in school. Every Saturday, I would be the last one in and the first one out - nothing more than the occasional shoplifting ever happened, and most days would be marked by a mind-numbing drag to the end of the shift. 

Then it happened. We were walking back from inspecting a car suspected of containing marijuana when we saw a robber in action, viciously ripping a backpack off of a scrawny boy. I dropped the bag I was carrying and bolted after the figure, who upon seeing me gave one last successful tug and darted away. At that moment I felt adrenaline course through my veins, a sensation unlike any I’d had before. 

I accelerated and closed the distance between us. I’d always been a pretty fast runner, but I never loved sports so I never harnessed this talent; I realized then that I could finally put my speed to use. As the gap between us continued to close, I reached out and grabbed the perpetrator and gave him a hard shove. As he fell to the ground I collapsed on top of him, and I waited for the security guard to come before I even tried to get back on my feet. 

That was the first time I had truly ran for almost 6 months, and the air seemed to leave my lungs after collapsing onto the ground; and yet, I felt more energized than I had in a while. It was hard for me to pin a single word to describe how I felt, but l in retrospect I have just one word to encompass my feelings that day: alive. There were no projects I was struggling to finish, nothing to worry me - it was just me and the person I was chasing - everything evaporated from my conscience except the need to bring justice to the world. 

So I started to hit the gym, a place I’d neglected my entire life. Every other day, I would make the 2-mile drive to the local Planet Fitness and put myself through a rigorous training program I had found online. One day I would run 3 miles, and the other I would lift 200 pounds - whatever I was training for, I knew I was ready for it. 

It. I couldn’t figure out what I was actually training for. What was I looking for? The thrill of the chase? Or the satisfaction of stopping a criminal? I spent endless hours trying to re-invigorate that feeling, but nothing I did came anywhere close to what I felt chasing down that criminal. That’s what I gained from the time I spent trying to recreate that feeling - it’s one of a kind. 

After realizing I needed to continue my crime-fighting regime, I decided to go full-fledged and construct my alter ego - El Roco. Unlike my real self, he was confident and would coin goofy - yet witty - catchphrases. Instead of avoiding conflict, like I had my entire life, El Roco would embrace it. Going into the process I approached it with a sense of fun, light-heartedness, but as it progressed I was taking every aspect of the character seriously. What I understand now is that I was creating a better version of my real self through El Roco; every flaw I felt I had I perfected, every insecurity I had tweaked. I wasn’t just creating a new side project, I was building a clean slate, a new me. 

A couple of nights later, I donned my “outfit” - a black sweatshirt, sweatpants, and some sneakers - and began my prowl around the city. Most of my time was spent in anticipation of action, but I still stopped the occasional robbery and broke up a kidnapping attempt. It was an exhilarating experience, even if most of my time was spent waiting. I came home expecting to fall right asleep, but I couldn’t. Instead of going to bed, I designed the outfit I would wear to further my “El Roco” persona. 

All the beloved superheroes I admired had one thing in common: unique costumes. I knew I needed to emulate them in this way, by creating my own outfit. It’s one thing to act the part, I thought, but dressing the part not only solidifies your status to the world but also to yourself. If I wore the costume, the mannerisms and personality of this alter ego would seem more genuine to me and the people I interacted with. 

I went out and bought some baggy grey sweatpants and a pair of large boots. I made sure they were a few sizes smaller so I could maneuver and maintain my agility while wearing the costume, as these were the more important traits I possessed concerning fighting. I went to a sports store and bought a chest protector and some gloves. To finish the look, I walked deep into the mall and found a store that irons words onto any garment you want. I selected a large long sleeve tee shirt with a zig-zag pattern, and in the crudest font I could find, put “El Roco” square in the middle of the shirt. With my costume complete, I knew the alter ego was ready to be shown to the world. 

Following my finals at the end of the semester, I started to go out more often - almost every other night. With no concrete plans for the summer, I decided to dedicate my time to perfecting my craft. After my day job, I would go to the gym and continue the same program I had been on for months. I saw tangible results, too - I used to wear baggy clothing, trying to hide my frame, but as I grew stronger I grew more confident in myself. 

The facet of myself I didn’t notice change was my personality. I was always a naturally reserved person, and I avoided conflict whenever I could. This is why I concocted the ‘El Roco’ alter ego - it was a fresh slate, a chance to perfect all the things I saw in myself that I believed people judged me for. It was never intended to be the only face I showed the world. I would stay the shy person when I was myself, but while I was El Roco I could be a new me ; confident, borderline arrogant. 

As I went out with more frequency, the differences between my real self and my alter ego began to fade. I would catch myself repeating the catchphrases I coined during the night, not only when I was alone, but also around other people. Instead of dodging meeting and interacting with new people, I found myself embracing it. I could show them the new me, the one brimming with confidence and swagger. 

Thinking about it now, about a year and a half after this all went down, I understand why being El Roco was so appealing to me. It allowed me to be free; free from worry, from restrictions, from fright. I had to conform to no one, change myself to appease no one. I could roam the streets for as long as I wanted, and as soon as I felt that I wasn’t needed, I could go home and no one would be none the wiser. When I saw a criminal who I knew was doing things beyond the level of pettiness - murder, drug dealing, things of that nature - I could dedicate hours, sometimes days, to stopping them. 

Slowly, but methodically, the real me evaporated and was replaced by the El Roco alter ego. I approached anyone I wanted and expressed myself in ways I had never dreamt of. The bagging clothing I had worn for my entire childhood was swapped for tighter, more revealing clothing, articles like tank tops and slim jeans. I wasn’t afraid to expose myself to the world, whether it was in a literal or social sense. 

Then, one day I finally realized I had become El Roco. I had just received a note from a professor, requesting a meeting between us the following night about a paper I had written. The old me would have avoided the teacher, acted as if I hadn’t gotten the message. But I was a changed man. The next morning, I approached him after class and we had a 30-minute discussion, one that ended in me agreeing to join the company the teacher had started. 

Throughout my transformation, the freedom provided by being El Roco was the most important thing to me. I didn’t care if I woke up tired the next day or missed class because I overslept, because in the end, I learned that people should listen to themselves more often than to others; after all, no one knows you better than yourself. 

If it weren’t for El Roco, I wouldn’t be the confident, expressive person I am today. I would not be writing this, and I wouldn’t have my job. But, more importantly, I am comfortable. Comfortable being me, being free to do whatever I please. 

This entire story I referenced El Roco and myself as two different entities. It was just a side hobby, a 3-hour section of my 24-hour life. Not the real me.  Now, however, it’s time to finish the narrative - I am El Roco.