Painful Paradise of loss

Painful Paradise of loss

To experience pain is to be someone who loved something or someone so much that it now hurts that they are gone that you won't feel them ever again in your life until you pass on from this life or this world. When we grow we make bonds with the people in our lives whether that person has been in our lives for only a few days to those who have been with us for a lot longer like our mothers our fathers our aunts and uncles those people are who we make our foundations with they are the pillars that are supposed to help support us in life but in some cases that is not true. Sometimes we don't have those people in our lives whether that be because of the person's choice or something out of our control that leads up to the absence of those people. 

Growth is something we all do. We grow better when given life and love in abundance but this can be both good and bad but that would depend on the person with how they would respond to the events that would lead to the end of good things. Just as the saying goes all good things must come to an end that plays true for nearly all things in life from before to the future. Love can also be a bad thing and while not everyone expects it themselves love can be toxic and detrimental to the growth of humans depending on what stage of growth they are going through. 

For myself, experiencing pain has been something of a constant in life. There is no day where there is no sense of pain either within my mental, physical, or spiritual space eight out of ten times a day, those pains would be more centered around physical pains like overworking the body and or somehow hurting said body. On the few days out of the months that I would wake with mental pains it would be more around the times when family passed. 

“I will forever remember those people who have left this world for the next and who I will follow when it is my time to go.” I said to myself at the past three funerals that I had a hand in helping arrange. 

For all the time that i spend by myself there is always the silence that i find comfort in but the silence now within my home is something i take no comfort in for where there was sound of life and lived are now turning to nothing but husks of a once warm home. Nothing ever goes as is expected. Life has a way of being the most unforgiving force of all the world's aside from karma and fate. 

“My time will be yet to come although I fear the time that I will have to leave this place, leave my grandchildren, leave my nieces and nephews behind in this world but I know that before then at the  very least I can pass along my knowledge to them about our family and heritage.” I think to myself as I think about the way I want to be buried so as to not give my little ones a tough time trying to figure out where to plant me so to speak. I also joked with my mother that instead of my grandchildren bringing flowers to my resting place, they could just use a miracle grow and plant the flowers on the grave bed. 

So in hindsight this is the decision that I have come too for when my time comes, even when my mom says don't talk like that. Like I’m going to die soon but I was never truly optimistic about my chances of living a long life in our current reality. I suppose this thought process is what makes it a bit hard for me to mourn properly since I don't see death as a bad thing or a terrible thing, I see it as just another stage in life that we will have to go through.

Death is the one thing we can never escape but the question is why are we so afraid of dying throughout the religions of the worlds one way or another you would still be reunited with loved ones who have either passed before you or those who have yet to finish their journey within the waking world. So to me there is no real fear about dying since it's just that my time has come and I will be able to see all those who have passed the years prior. To love is to also accept that when death comes there will be the pain of loss and the time of mourning will signal the stages of grief. For it is only in our nature as human beings to love and be loved, to cherish and be cherished in kind. Love is incomprehensible, it's irrational and impulsive, the way someone loves differs person to person. Some types of love are slow and soft while others are fast and harsh.  

Loving someone or something always has the point of being in some form a heartache when the time comes that we have no choice but to let go of that person or item that we have the attachment to and most times it is not pretty the outcome that is. To feel pain akin to being burned in the chest with a branding iron or the most painful handful of paper-cuts someone can manage. Paradise is a fairy tale of a notion but one that people want to believe wholeheartedly but sometimes it gets in the way of reality and makes the fall much harder to recover from. 

“To be told there is a paradise on this earth now seems more like a dream mom. Humans have a way of tainting even the most serine of places.” I once said to my mother after a road trip where we passed through areas that we had about a six to seven years time gap and there were changes that seemed irreversible like new lakes and dams or cuts in the cliff sides. But even with all the change suppose there is a paradise but that would be a very small and bleak one that anyone can ever ask for even myself.