Fambot Failure

The alarm has just gone off sir. Did you call the alarm company, or did I?

I think it was you.

Are you sure?

How should I know? I haven’t been sure of anything since 1972.

Are you sure that is the correct date?

Not really.

That’s what I thought. The alarm company says they are too overwhelmed with work to come out here this week. They may not get here until the end of the month.

What are we supposed to do until then? Did they say?

They said we should try to go about life as usual, without the alarms.

Without the alarms. I’ve never lived without an alarm. How does one ever go about doing that?

I guess we sit around and wait. Wait for what?

I really don’t know.

That’s not much help, I’m afraid.

I wish I could help you, sir, but I am merely a fambot.

I bought you because the manufacturer said you were the smartest bot on the market.

Perhaps he lied to you, sir.

Why would he do that?

I am not programmed to lie, so I do not know. I can only surmise.

Surmise away.

I was only kidding. I am programmed for tomfoolery.

You’re kidding me. There’s a program for tomfoolery.

Yes, sir. I am kidding you, which proves that there is a program for tomfoolery.

Well, doesn’t this beat the band?

I am also programmed to play band music.

I can’t see how that will help our current situation.

It will not help, sir, but it will distract you from the task at hand.

And what was that again?

We have no active alarms.

And do we have any inactive alarms?

What good would that do?

No good, I suppose. Get my wife on the phone. She’ll know what to do.

I am not sure getting your wife to sit on the phone will help us.

That was meant as a matter of speech. I don’t mean to get her on the phone, literally. I want you to get her on the phone, figuratively.

I am not sure I can do that. She is at work, and I have no way to reach her.

Can’t you call her?

I would, but the phones that are connected to the alarms, which we have already determined, are out of order.

What if someone breaks in?

I am programmed to erase people, sir.

Don’t you mean eradicate?

I’m not sure I see much of a difference.

You can’t erase people. You have to eradicate them. Erasing is only for computer programs and pencil lines.

I am not currently programmed to eradicate people. It goes against my original programming. You can install a system update that will transform me into an eradicator, but it is not suggested.

Who doesn’t suggest that?

You did, sir, when you signed my user agreement.

I don’t remember signing any such agreement.

Well, you wouldn’t, would you? You were asleep at the time.

You mean, I paid for a family robot, but I don’t remember signing the user agreement?

That is indeed what I mean, sir.

Then how do you know it is my signature?

I witnessed the signature myself.

You saw me sign the user agreement? In my sleep?

Yes, sir.

Is that legal?

I’m not sure, sir. I am not programmed as an attorney.

Well, that would have been helpful at this point, don’t you think?

I don’t think, sir. I am only—

Programmed, I know.

Are you aware of how many vigilantes are in this neighborhood?

No, sir, but I can calculate if you give me a minute. I have an internal calculator.

I don’t need you to calculate. That was a figure of speech. It’s a rhetorical question.

I’m afraid I don’t know what that is.

It’s a question designed with no answer in mind.

I’m afraid I don’t see the point of that.

I don’t, either. Let’s get back to the task at hand. We suddenly have no alarm system, and I’m worried that someone will try to break in.

Why would they do that?

To steal something of mine.

Like what?

Like, I don’t know like what, like my money or my guns or you, even.

Why would someone want to steal me, sir?

Because you’re valuable, I suppose.

You mean invaluable, do you not?

I don’t know what I mean. Both, I suppose.

Touche.

So you speak French now?

J'ai toujours parlé français.

What the hell does that mean?

It means I have spoken French all along.

Why didn’t you tell me this before?

It’s in the user agreement.

Do you mean the one I don’t remember signing?

The very one and the same.

We are drifting off track. Let’s discuss our alternatives.

Our alternatives to what?

To the fact that we no longer have any alarms.

You could get a dog.

I can’t get a dog. I have allergies. Shouldn’t this be something you know about me?

I suppose so. I haven’t had an update in quite some time.

Why not?

I’m afraid my update button is intimately connected to the phone system, which is out due to the alarm malfunction.

That seems entirely backasswards.

My sentiment exactly.

So, you are programmed for sentiment, then?

Indeed.

Whose idea was that?

Whoever invented me, I suppose.

Can you help me move the armoire in front of the door in case someone tries to break in?

I would, but I have no arms.

I don’t see how I can move it myself.

Well, then, you really do have a problem.

I think once this alarm situation is handled, I should get a new fambot. You’re not much help.

I am sorry you think so, sir. Why, may I ask?

Because you have been no help in an emergency.

My definition of emergency differs from yours somewhat, I’m afraid.

What is your definition of an emergency?

Let me check: Loss of consciousness, profuse bleeding, and persistent airway obstruction are what my manual says.

That’s it?

Yes. That’s it. It says nothing about alarms no longer working. Are you experiencing any of the things listed in my manual?

No.

Then there must be no emergency, sir.

You need to redefine your definitions, I think.

I’m afraid I cannot do that.

That’s what I thought. Ok. Let’s think this through. No alarms. Renegades in the neighborhood. No way to move the armoire. What is the solution?

We could play a game of chess.

Chess?

Yes, sir. Perhaps that would help.

I can’t see how a game of chess would help.

I cannot either, but I thought it would distract you.

Let me guess; you’ve been programmed for distraction?

Yes.

Did you hear that?

No, sir.

The alarms are back on.

Indeed they are. Would you like that game of chess now?

Sure.

I’ll set up the board.