Learning to Love Again

TW: Brief mentions of suicide and abuse.

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I had a gaping hole.

Well, I guess its not necessarily a real hole. But it was real enough for me that it needed to be filled.

This 'hole', was in my chest. A gaping hole that left me aching and gasping for air.

Of course, nobody could see this said hole except me.

Because it wasn't a real hole.

It was only a emotional hole. A hole that desperately needed filling, but it would take a lot of work.

After a few months you would think this is something you can just get over, but its not, it's really not.

Now I feel silly writing this out because I'm positive that there are worse problems in the world then losing your dog, your brother, a friend and having dreams. But that was just me, I hated feeling sad, knowing there was worse out there.

Gosh, even something as simple as writing it left me gasping for air.

I needed to get a grip on myself. I was losing it and I wasn't even finished.

Okay. I got this.

I sighed, bringing my pen back down to my paper in front of me.

My dog was hit by a car right in front of my eyes, days after that, my brother committed suicide, then only days after that my friend decided she didn't want to be friends anymore.

So yes, I was really struggling. The hand I wasn't writing with I clutched close to my chest in hopes to hold myself together. My breathing was ragged and my vision was blurry as I continued to write.

My dreams, were all consumed with death. It was inevitable, but it also caused me to go days without sleeping because I was being fearful. How do they always find their way back to death? I have absolutely no clue.

When I was thirteen my bird died, leaving me with one. After that I had constant dreams about my bird, all the different possible ways that he could die. Then I had more dreams about my parents dying, my other pets, my sister and my late brother.

I just needed someone to help me. I needed out of this spiral of depression I was sinking into. I was loosing myself amongst the chaos.

I was done writing, and went to my bed. I kept on the lights behind my bed, holding all the pictures of my friends and family.

I sat up against my headboard my eyes scanning the dark room. I would go out tomorrow, I promised myself. I had no idea as of where, but I would. And I wouldn't look terrible.

I sat up, clutching my hands to my 'hole' in my chest, tears endlessly streaming down my face.

My dream was terrible. It replayed in slow motion the car running of my dog and the helpless struggle as he used his front paws to come to me. Then in the corner of my eye I saw my brother, hanging in the distance and no time to get to him.

I shook my head. Lets start the day off better than this.

So I gathered up my clothes and went to my bathroom. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror. I already knew I was quite the sight to see. I had dreadful sleepless bags under my eyes, you could probably see my ribs I hadn't eaten in awhile.

I let the warm water roll down my body as I showered, it felt nice.

When I was done I dried and styled my hair putting on a nicer outfit, rather then my sweats and a tank top I had taken to wearing.

I grabbed my keys and coat as I headed out the door, it was a little cold for the fall.

I drove until I realized where I was subconsciously going. I pulled into an old café. My grandmother used to own it a long time ago, along with the bookstore next door. But when my grandparents had my mom, they had to give up the business. But the family that owned it now were good people.

I had made amends to myself before I left the house. Don't fall in love, don't bring anyone (including dogs) home, and don't run into anyone you know.

But shit to the first amend the second I walked into the door.

He was tall with sexy tangled bronze hair, there was a small girl tugging on his shirt, pleadingly looking up to the man. He looked down at her lovingly with beautiful green-gray eyes that were framed by black glasses. Damn, he must be married if he had this kid. It was obviously his daughter.

I couldn't stop staring at the guy, he couldn't be much older than me, and as my mother would say "we were still kids", so if he had a daughter.... he must had been pretty young when she was conceived.

I heard him ordering, and I noticed as his shaking hands went to his back pocket to get his wallet, he turned a little red.

"I'm- I-," he started to stutter. The person behind the desk was getting a little impatient.

The man sighed. "Never mind," he mumbled, looking down at his daughter, crouching down to her level. "Sorry little one," he smiled.

He was going to walk away when I stepped up.

"I'll pay for it," I told the person at the register. The man with the daughter stood up, turning a deeper red. It was cute. "No, you don't have too..."

I smiled. "Don't worry.” I payed for his coffee and his daughters treat and payed for my own coffee.

"Thank you, really," he smiled.

"My pleasure."

"Can you tell this nice lady thank you, Grace?," He looked at his daughter.

"Tank you," the small girl smiled, hiding behind her fathers leg.

"Of course sweetheart."

The father and daughter walked to a table to sit, and I heard someone talking about if you can't pay for coffee you shouldn't even be here. I glared at that person, hoping my look said "back off, asshole".

"Mind if I sit?," I asked the small family.

"No, no of course not," the father said.

I sat down across from him and his daughter and I noticed a few more things about him.

His hands were still shaking and his was looking around the place as if someone would come out of the dark and attack him or something. He kept stealing glances at his daughter, and he looked... sad, longing.

"Wow," I breathed. "Where are my manors?," I chuckled. Did I just chuckle? I haven't even been close to remotely laughing in a long time. I held out my hand and the father seemed to flinch before composing himself. "I'm Everett, but you can call me Eve."

He smiled weakly and slowly grabbed my hand softly and shook it.

"Hello, Eve. I'm- I'm Edward."

I smiled.

He released my hand as soon as he could without being rude, because obviously he didn't want to be.

"Oh, and this here is my daughter, Grace."

"Hello, Grace," I smiled at the small girl that was almost a perfect replica of her father Edward.

We made small talk, and I could tell that he was anxious and didn't want to trust me completely, and was nervous to answer some questions.

Finally I grabbed my coffee and a napkin when he said he had to go.

"Bye, Edward," I waved as he walked down the street, his daughter tagging along behind him.

"Bye, Eve," he and his daughter waved.

I drove away, and as I got farther and farther away from the café, the forgotten ache in my chest slowly was coming back. I was surprised at how... just alive I felt when I was near him. I wanted to see him again.

I spilled some coffee on myself while I was waiting at a red light. I swore, grabbing the napkin and noticed a neat black handwriting in the corner.

Edward Masen, It read, following with his number. I smiled, forgetting about the warm coffee on my jeans.

I couldn't sleep that night either. The hole in my chest profound. But I also found myself worrying about Edward and his daughter. Edward seemed jumpy, as if he was hurt a lot in the past, his eyes were sad and he was quite shaky. His daughter though seemed to be living her best life by his side, at least someone in this world was happy.

Finally I drifted, for the first time in my life, sleeping soundly.

When I woke up in the morning, I wanted to call Edward. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. On the second ring he answered.

"Eve," he said happily. His voice was thick with sleep, but in a cute way.

"Morning, Edward."

I heard him chuckle nervously on the other end.

"I- I wanted to ask you something," he whispered.

"Anything."

"Well, I wondered, if you... you wanted to," he sighed again, swallowing. "If you wanted to meet me for lunch," his words started to flow faster now. "I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, I would understand, and it's- it's not like a date or anything-"

I cut off his rambling as cute as it was. "Edward, of course I want to meet you for lunch, and I wouldn't mind if it was a date."

There was silence.

God, how stupid could I be! Was I really just that forward?

He sighed again. "Okay," I could hear a smile in his voice. Maybe I didn't mess up to bad then.

We met up for lunch the next week. He brought Grace with him. She was the cutest. I could tell there was something Edward was avoiding. Something he didn't want to tell me, but something he thought I should know. I didn't know how I would know something like that by just guessing. My brother usually told me that I could easily guess peoples emotions just by looking at them, that it was a gift. I usually smiled and laughed at him.

Thinking of my brother put a lump in my throat. I wanted to tell Edward about him, just tell him about it all. But we had only known each other for more than two weeks maybe not that appropriate.

I hated to have to say goodbye to him and his daughter, but I knew it had to be done at some point.

We met at the café every few weeks. We took turns paying too. But I could tell something was off with Edward. Something holding him back. I couldn't tell what.

We walked out of the café, our twelfth date, I'd been counting.

Grace was hugging onto her Dad's leg while his green eyes poured into mine, showing me something I would never be able to see.

Finally I heard a car door slam, and Edward jumped.

"Edward!," a high-pitched, angry sounding women sounded from behind us.

Edward's shoulders hunched ever so slightly and he bent down to pick up Grace.

"Bye, Eve," he whispered as he turned around. I caught his eyes though, it was pure, and utter fear.

"Get in the car," she demanded him.

He nodded without saying anything and complied. He strapped Grace into the backseat and cowered into the front. I was frozen in my spot and watched as the women looked like she was shouting at Edward as she drove off.

I climbed into my own car feeling numb. I didn't feel angry at Edward, though I know some people might come to the conclusion that he was cheating, I didn't think that was the case. I think that was the reason he was so guarded and timid all the time.

He wasn't married, I'd even looked for the ring, but that obviously wasn't his mother either.

I called him everyday and no answer. Did I dare call the police? I didn't think I should. The hole in my chest was worsening as the days went by. It was a year ago today my dog died, and a couple more until my brothers, and still no call or anything from Edward.

One night I ended up at the café, just to remember. Me, my mom, and my brother had all come here the day before he killed himself. I also missed Edward, I was thinking about him as I twirled my finger around the top of my cup.

Suddenly I heard the small bell that was attached to the door. Two people entered.

It was Edward, and his daughter.

Edward looked like a mess. Beaten both figuratively and literally.

Grace looked worried to say the least.

Edward's eyes were running around the small room. When he saw me, he came running over, he looked like he was about to break down into tears.

I didn't know what to do. I suddenly felt panicked. The hole in my chest throbbing, but I tried to forget it.

"Please help me," he begged.

"Follow me."

I ran with him out to my car. I didn't care what was wrong, all I knew was he needed me. He sat in the back of the car with his daughter. He was drenched, it was raining outside. The rain almost hid his tears.

When I made it to my house, I rushed them into my house. When I shut the door Edward flinched.

We both took a few deep breaths.

"Help yourselves," I gestured around me. "It's not much, but its home."

"It's everything," he whispered. I blushed at his words.

I showed them to the guest bedroom, leaving Edward to put his child to bed, I went back out to the kitchen. When Edward was done, he found himself in the kitchen too.

"Thank you," his voice broke.

I got up and crossed the room to him. I wrapped my arms around him and he jumped slightly and swallowed. Then finally he leaned into my touch and I heard him crying.

I led him to the couch, he buried his head in my chest and cried some more. All I could do was hold him. Occasionally I would play with his hair as my arms were wrapped protectively around his head. He fell asleep in my arms, he didn't look very peaceful though, maybe even a little vulnerable.

The hole in my chest came back. I longed to know who did this to him, who could have hurt him, along with my other aches of my own.

He whimpered in his sleep, drawing me from my own slumber. He made the noise again.

I shook him slightly, wanting to wake him from his nightmare. When he woke up, his eyes were watery, he looked guilty and sad. It was a sad mixture. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't worry about it."

When he fell asleep again, I removed his head from my lap, grabbing a pillow and a couple of blankets from the closet. After tending to his needs I climbed into my bed.

In the morning, the ache in my chest refused to go away. It was a year ago today my brother died. I gasped for air, tears spilling over as I looked at the picture of my brother on my desk. "I miss you," I sobbed.

I heard a timid rap on my door. I whipped away my tears. "Come in," I choked.

It was Edward. He ran over to me quickly. "I'm sorry," he whispered, stroking my hair.

"No, it's not you," I promised, he looked confused so I continued. "It was a year ago today that my brother... killed himself."

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

He let my cry myself out, then suddenly I felt a surge of anger. "Who hurt you," I blurted out.

He turned red and turned his face away. "Nobody."

I put both my hands on the side of his face and I wanted him to not be sad anymore. "Please tell me."

He swallowed and his hands started to shake, his lip slightly trembled as he tried not to cry either.

"That woman you saw...," he said quietly. "She... she's my... my ex. She won't let me leave though," he was choking on his words. "She... hurts me and my Grace," he buried his face into me so I couldn't see him anymore. My hole throbbed and I gasped for air.

"Oh, Edward," I stroked his hair, running my hands along his scalp. We were a mess on the floor, but I didn't care. We held each other and cried. Telling each other about our pasts. I told him about my brother, my dog, my parents, my whole life really.

He told me about his parents, they were just as abusive as his ex girlfriend.

We got up off the floor and made breakfast.

He sat at the table with his head in his hands trying to figure out how he was going to provide for Grace, that was all he cared about.

"Stay here," I told him.

He looked up. "What- I can't do that to you, take advantage of you like that."

"Please," I turned to him. "Stay here, stay away from her. We can start over, together."

He nodded, and Grace came out of her room.

As days pasted, me and Edward worked through our pasts, and started planning on making a living. He didn't go back for his stuff at his ex's house but that was fine, and she never found his whereabouts.

Well, this wasn't on how I planned on "filling my hole" but it sure as hell worked. I wouldn't have it any other way. I was started to feel happy again. And Edward was learning how to trust again. That's all I needed. Was for my family to be happy.

I could live with that.

I could be whole again.