Vomit Draft

June 4, 1993

Seven minutes, starting now… What? What was the prompt about. MMmmmm Yummnn. Chocolate

Chocolate gives me writer’s block.Chocolate tastes so sweet. I am gravely grateful for chocolate. I am so grateful. Thank you. I am grateful for naps. Sleep is delightful. Water is lovely. I am grateful for irony.

With the pennies we earned I would spend it all on chocolate. Chocolate and Irony.

I am gravely grateful for all the chocolate the world has to offer. What a merciful planet. And there’s hot water and tea. I am counting my words like I have an eating disorder. . I am grateful for words, words like mercy and milk tea. Love. Pleasure. Desire. Heaven, Work, due diligence.

June 5, 2025

I had a promising path of which I did not take, and I'm grieving that decision. I was doing a pre-apprenticeship program to learn about School Food. Feeding people. What a concept. It's like the ultimate expression of love to cook for people. It is easy to take for granted just how much effort goes into cooking food for groups of people. It's such a beautiful livelihood. Easy to overlook but so much fun. Hard work can be fun, you know. After about a month of steady work, as the pre-apprenticeship was about to end I had another opportunity to continue with the apprenticeship for another year but I got into an argument with my mom, and she's been upset with me about how I spend my money. Money is so stressful. Looking for jobs, the uncertainty, the fear. The Fear! The fear I feel in my belly. I feel guilty for ghosting such a wonderful program. Why didn’t I sign up for the full apprenticeship? I had such a good thing going but I didn’t follow the path. Lachesis–why? I missed the opportunity to cook for students for a full year. How wholesome! I didn’t go through with it. Instead I bought like 28 grams of weed and smoked like a hibernating bear for a full month. I’ve been so happy and at peace because I love to smoke weed and I have been without for nearly 5 months so when I got the opportunity to buy more weed, I took it. I missed the deadline to apply for the apprenticeship. I smoked all the weed and now I need a job. Now is the time to lament my choices. I feel strangely at peace with my choices or… it’s more like I am trying to condition myself to let go of the guilt and accept my choices. So I smoked weed and I refuse to regret it even its hard because smoking weed leads to my mom yelling at me, calling me a loser, telling me I need a job, the vitriol in her voice. She is a woman full of fear and has a lot of anxiety and baggage. She’s trying her best. The least I can do is not react or engage with her when she’s in that kind of mood. Together we are a very stressed out team. It is a vicious cycle because stressing me out by yelling at me is not a good strategy to convince me to not smoke weed. If anything the stress she puts out into the universe just makes me wanna smoke more weed like out of spite. Lately it’s been kind of healing to call my mom a bitch in my head.

It’s like the word “Bitch” takes in all the aggressive energy I feel when my mom yells at me. I know that engaging with her anger will only make me do something I regret. The aggression travels through out my body and sometimes it enters into my fist. I don’t want to fight with my mom because I love her and I know that I am hurting her with my habits. I still wanna smoke weed. I don’t like how my mom is trying to control me. Whatever issues she has with weed are not my issues. My issue is that my mom can be a huge flaming bitch sometimes. I can understand why though. I stress her out. Like I am this huge financial burden onto her. I hate talking about money with her because it’s not fun. I don’t have fun with my mom sometimes because of our money issues. I go to church with her every Sunday and we have made a routine of praying the rosary nearly everyday together. For some naive reason she thought that that meant I was cured that I would never smoke weed again. What drama huh? I love drama, and I love engaging with the world.

Then there’s my dad who likes to pretend like he has no responsibility over his own actions but he loves to hate on people and pretend like he’s better than them or I don’t know. I think I am a lot like my dad because I don’t want to say sorry to my mom for smoking weed and I don’t want to lead her to think that I’ve stopped or that I’ve returned from evil. Like weed isn’t evil and she needs to stop treating me like I’m some evil fucking drug addict. If she continues to think about me in such a stereotypical way, to spite her, I might just become an evil fucking drug addict. I don’t want that for myself though. I mean firstly it’s wrong to stereotype people but because my mom is a bitch she does that like where the fuck is her empathy? Does she only ever have empathy for herself? Where is my empathy for her? She needs to learn to have empathy for drug addicts. I am not saying I am a drug addict but I fucking love smoking weed. It is hard for me to flourish around my mom because her bitchiness (brought on by a life of some trauma) … what kind of portrait am I creating of her?

What’s important is that I own up to my actions. Yes I smoked weed recently, and I spent too much money, and I stressed her out. She yelled at me. Over the past 10 years when my mom would yell at me, I would yell back. I refuse to respond to her now when she speaks to me with a certain tone in her voice. Silence is a great tool, but it is tricky to sustain. So I try my best to listen to my mom call me a loser. When she does that I tell her that I could just kill myself. Who would the loser be then?

June 6, 2025

Rejection, dejection, and anxiety. It's important to fill your life with spaces that make you feel safe. Right now I don't feel safe. I want to be an instrument of peace, to be a safe space. That's the vibe I'd like to build up. In the past I've been so scared and then it feels like fear gets all projected onto me or something like I'm not just holding my own fear but I'm holding my mom's fears and my dad's and I don't know. I need to take a breath. Dear Reedsy reader, whatever you are going through in life, embrace your present moment, don't judge the present moment as good, or bad, or stinky. Let's just recognize our shared humanity. I bleed like you do, you know? We share pain. We give pain, we receive pain, and we share pain. I have faith that I love you. The pain though becomes an obstacle it leads me to sin but I want the pain to lead me to grace, love, and healing. Own your choices, learn, move forward, and trust in God's mercy.