315

Content warning: Swearing, violence.

It feels great putting those big plates on the bar and catching the glances of people working out around me. I get someone to spot me, and they comment on the weight I’m lifting. Then my earbuds are belting out motivational speeches and music while I push through one more rep. When I’m done, the barbell clangs loudly onto its stand. After my set I take a moment to think about how today’s going great. Work went well, my workout is going well, and it’s Friday night. Tonight’s my date with Sarah from work! She’s always so positive even when things get tough. She’s a small brunette who’s bubbly like champagne and sweet like golden honey. It always makes me happy when I work on a project with her. I’m excited for the date.

Back at my apartment, I hurry up and quickly force a barely mixed protein shake down my throat before jumping into the shower, and getting dressed for my date with Sarah. Then I realize I’m late. I hurriedly spray on too much cologne. I swear as I rush down the stairs, still adjusting my clothes. For a moment I can’t find my car, but then I hear it beeping. The car’s an older, but still classy beamer. Tires squeal as I leave. I know it’s stupid, but I drive fast and go through a red light to get there faster. Finally, I pick her up, and her smile is the best reward. It’s nice and comfortable talking to her while we're driving. We talk about work, the challenges we had recently on one of our projects together, and how George keeps taking long bathroom breaks to read something on his phone. We get to the restaurant, a decent Italian place, the kind with a big brick oven where the cooks make a show of making your pizza. We sit down and order drinks. I talk about lifting and martial arts, and she acts suitably impressed. I ask her about herself, and she opens up about her love for travel, yoga, and musicals. I try to ask her questions, but despite myself I don't sound sincerely interested, and I’m starting to get tongue-tied. At work, her smile is always my sun-dappled sweetness, so it hurts when I see a look of disappointment flash briefly across her face. I know it’s Sarah and I really like her, but I can’t stop myself from messing it up as I've done with others before. I wish I knew more about the things she likes. She’s trying her best too, but I feel helpless as the conversation dies a slow strangulating death, and then we’re done with our dinner.

“Well, it was nice getting to know you better Bruce. See you at work on Monday,” she says with an awkward smile as I drop her off at her place.

I’m really upset and kicking myself for it. I think about texting her but I decide not to for now. Instead I go to the gym again to do some cardio and feel better. When I get there, I crank up the motivational music in my ears, and start feeling pumped. Working out at night in a busy city is such a great feeling. The city is just buzzing with nightlife all around you, and you feel like you're part of something big.

Then it’s Saturday morning. I get up a bit late and go to my favorite breakfast place. When I get there, I order a big breakfast, with a lot of egg whites for protein. Later that day it’s time for Brazilian jiu-jitsu practice. The main room of the academy has thick blue padding on the ground so it’s safe to fall. I stay there all afternoon for open mat sparring with the other students. Getting pinned down on the ground, it can feel like you’re trying to squeeze through a tunnel that’s trying to crush the breath out of you. Over time I got used to it, and I’m comfortable with it now. I learned to take things slowly, breathe more calmly, accept things as they are, then figure out what to do about it. Once practice is done, the guys from the jiu-jitsu academy want to go out to a sports bar, and I go with them. Before long we have our drinks, and we’re having a good time.

“How’s the workout going Bruce?” Eric asks.

“I’m benching two hundred eighty now,” I answer.

“Not bad, Bruce! You’re getting closer to three hundred fifteen.” he replies.

“Yep, that’s the bar and three big plates on either side,” I say.

“It’s your goal for your high-school reunion, I think you said… Is it fifteen years?” he asks.

“Ten-year reunion,” I answer.

“Should be interesting. I bet most of them are losers that don’t even lift,” Tarek cuts in.

“Yeah, I bet they are,” I answer back.

“Hey, did you see that chick who’s the new trainer at the HIIT fitness place next to the academy?” Paul asks.

“What? Are you going to ask her out?” someone else asks.

“I dunno. I think I saw Bruce chatting her up the other day. Bruce?” Paul says.

“Nah, she’s all yours Paul, best of luck,” I tell him.

“Anyway, as I was saying, my brother’s getting married in two months, and he wants me to be his best man…” someone else says.

I had fun with the guys, but the night is still young. I don’t feel like going anywhere else though, so I go home and waste some time on the computer, playing online first-person shooter games with strangers on the internet, and surfing around the usual sites I sometimes go to at night. Then I knock out a round of pushups and take a shower. I collapse exhausted on my bed.

Then before I know it, the weekend is over and it’s Monday again. Before getting to my cubicle I pass by Sarah, and I give her a nice smile. She smiles back warmly, and I’m glad. The awkwardness from our date is forgotten. Sarah, my upbeat and tireless coworker is back. I’m a senior marketer for my company, Sarah is a product designer, and we really enjoy bouncing ideas off each other. Today it’s the shape and patterns of sneakers that would appeal the most to different demographics, another time it’ll be kitchen appliances, or headphones.

Thursday night, I go out with a girl from an online dating site, and we watch a movie together. She’s really into movies, and we talk about some older movies I’ve seen, like Jaws, and Alien. But I haven’t seen any of the even older black and white movies that she likes. I catch myself thinking about Sarah as I talk to her. After a while, the conversation dies of natural causes, and we decide to call it an evening. The gym is beckoning to me for another nighttime visit. I knock out solid sets of squats and deadlifts. I can just feel the gains adding up.

When I get home that night, I decide to look through an online yearbook app to remember my classmates. It's good to take a look before the reunion. I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school, but there are definitely some I want to reconnect with.

Then I see her picture, and she's like the faded sunshine of a thousand forgotten childhood summers. I realize part of me has always missed her, and she's the reason I'm looking through this yearbook. I can still clearly remember how excited she made me feel twelve years ago. Her name was Lauren and she really liked me a lot, even though back then I was this skinny and clueless kid. She made me so happy, but it didn’t really work out, and we drifted apart. It was my fault. I was so petrified of making a mistake, that I didn't really do anything to clearly let her know I was interested.

I spend some time thinking about Lauren and remembering old bittersweet memories, then I look through some more pictures. Some are kids I don’t really remember all that well. Then I smile when I see Ben’s goofy grin. He was the friend I always played video games with. We would wait in line together to be the first to buy new gaming consoles and see movies. One time, it was so crazy, we dressed up as the movie characters at the premiere of a sci-fi movie. Near the end, we started going to the gym together too. I wonder how he’s doing. I should have kept in touch with him, and I feel bad about it. There are a few other friends I’d like to reconnect with, but Ben was my best friend. Then I see some of the kids from the cool clique, the ones who always had their own inside jokes. Most of them had avoided me for fear of catching whatever social disease I had.

Then I see Henry’s picture.

I remember that day in the school gym locker room as clearly as the first punch I ever took to the face. He was a big and mean kid with a crew cut and a dirty plaid shirt. He had been looking for a fight. The things he had said about Lauren had gotten me upset, and without thinking I had shot an angry insult back at him despite being skinnier and shorter than him. It had all happened so quickly after that. I hadn’t known about proper fighting stance back then, and he had easily pushed me off balance… Then the stabbing downward punches and well-placed kicks had kept coming, and I could only close my eyes and wait curled up on the ground. As a kid I wasn’t used to taking so many hard hits, and it had felt like being hit with a lead pipe. After that he had dragged me around the locker room by my ankles in front of everyone, finishing up by forcing my head into the toilet, all while saying disgusting things about Lauren. No one who was there had even tried to stop him. After that happened, I swore I would never be that scared and defenseless kid ever again.

I’m tired of looking at this app, I close it down and go to sleep.

The next day I go to the gym, but I’m not feeling that great, and I almost get injured. My spotter helps me, and I thank him. I keep thinking about the reunion drawing closer and closer, and I haven’t reached three hundred fifteen yet. I don’t know why it matters so much to me. Do I think if I reach it, everyone at the reunion will be impressed? Do I think it will help me face him? I just know that I have to reach it.

That night, out of a kind of morbid curiosity, I look at the online yearbook app again. It’s a bit like using your tongue to play with a rotten tooth in your mouth even though it hurts, just because you’re curious to feel its spongy texture.

I see his face again.

This time I punch the cushions on my sofa so hard I think the force goes through and breaks something inside the sofa. So stupid. I better calm down. Deep down, a small voice in my mind tells me he doesn’t deserve so much attention from me, and he hasn’t deserved it since the beginning. Ignoring that voice, I think about how we might wind up in a fight at the reunion, and some part of me wishes we do. It’s nonsense, of course. He probably doesn’t even remember who I am.

The next day at work, I get the distinct feeling Sarah wants me to try again with her. It makes me so incredibly happy, but I’m too focused on working out, and I want to make sure I don’t mess it up with her again. Maybe after the reunion is over I can go see a musical with her, and see why she likes them so much.

A week before the reunion, a magical thing happens. I hit three hundred fifteen! My buddies from Brazilian jiu-jitsu take me out for a round of drinks, and I feel great. Then soon enough, it’s time for the big day. I get ready for it both mentally and physically. I listen to some meditation videos. Then I’m off to the reunion in my classy beamer.

At the reunion, I get a nice surprise: I do look a lot stronger than everyone else, and most don't even recognize me. Then I see her. Lauren’s looking as pretty as ever, with her long dark hair and slender figure I used to dream about. She looks glad to see me. I see the ring on her finger, and it makes sense. I just knew she would be happily married. Still, I’m glad to see her again too.

“Hi Bruce! You’re looking really good! Have you been working out a bit?” she asks jokingly, tilting her head to one side as she takes in the look of my wide shoulders.

“Eh… just a bit,” I answer back in the same tone of voice as her.

“By the way, sorry to get so serious, but did you hear about what happened to Henry?” she asks, lowering her voice.

“What happened to him?” I ask, secretly relishing the thought that something bad may have happened to Henry.

“His young son died a few months ago,” she tells me with a serious look on her face.

I’m not sure how to take it, and she can tell.

“I know you probably still hate him, but I just felt you should know what happened,” Lauren says.

“Thanks for letting me know, Lauren.”

“Of course… Hey Bruce, one more thing. I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling you’re going to meet somebody special really soon. I sincerely wish that for you.”

“You know what, I think I already met her a while back, and she’s really great. I won’t mess it up this time.”

“I’m happy for you Bruce. I’ll see you around.”

"Thanks, and goodbye Lauren."

I talk to everyone else, trying to avoid talking to Henry. I realize their lives aren’t perfect but most of these people have good friends they’ve known their entire lives, and many of them have families and kids. Quite a few of them have kept in touch with each other since school. I never thought about it before, but now I envy them these connections. Then I’m glad to meet Ben again, and even though he lives in another city now, we swap numbers and decide to try to get together sometime. We also swap account handles for our favorite first-person shooter games, and we agree to play together soon, and see who got better over the years.

Then, when I’m done talking to Ben, I feel a hand on my shoulder from behind and somehow, I just know who it is. My training almost kicks in, but I stop myself.

I turn around. It’s Henry. He’s a little bit pudgier and has grown a beard. He’s still taller, but he doesn’t look so scary anymore. In fact I’m quite sure I could take him. He’s looking sincerely apologetic and it’s the last thing I expect or even want to see.

“Hey Bruce, I wanted to say I’m so sorry for what I did back then, I really acted terribly,” he says.

“Yeah Henry, and I still fucking hate you and want to punch your face in,” is what I want to say. But now, thinking about saying that, I feel like I’m in the wrong. Also, I’m impressed he remembered to talk to me about this, even after what happened to his son.

Here’s what I say instead. “It’s alright man, it’s been a long time. I had forgotten about it.”

Then I start to move away from him.

“No seriously Bruce, I had a lot of issues, and I took it out on you. I was a real shithead and I feel bad about it. Not sure any apology can be enough, but I wanted to offer it to you anyway. Also, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

“Thanks Henry, but you don’t have to do anything. I appreciate the apology.”

“One more thing… Did you know I was jealous that she liked you back then even though you were one of the biggest nerds in school? How could you mess it up with her? She seemed so devoted to you,” Henry says.

“Seriously… I can’t believe I did that either,” I answer back with a smile.

“We were kids, and we didn’t know what we were doing, I guess,” Henry says.

“Hey Henry, there’s something else I wanted to say. I heard about your son and I’m sorry for your loss.” As the words leave my lips, I think about how I would never have imagined saying and feeling these things at the reunion.

“That’s kind of you to say, Bruce. It’s been hard for us, but we’re starting to recover. We decided to have another child, and while we’ll never forget, at least we can move forward,” Henry says.

“I agree. Moving forward is healthy,” I answer back, and for once, I believe it.

Henry and I say our goodbyes, and I decide to leave the reunion.

Well, there you go. That was my big confrontation with Henry, and now I feel lighter than air, but more like a helium party balloon that some kid loses into the sky. How high up do those go anyway? At least maybe now I don’t have to work out quite so hard.