Teetering

“Where are you taking me?” Carissa stopped, not inclined to move further until she got a straight answer from Manfred.

“It’s not far, just humor me, OK?” Manfred shook his sandy hair out of his eyes, big sad puppy-dog eyes, golden brown and brimming with emotion. Then he looked at her, recognized her expression, and capitulated. “I’m just taking you to the park down the street, that’s all. It’s quiet this time of night, so we’ll have privacy to talk.”

Carissa tightened her lips, but moved on with no further complaints. They walked in silence, side by side, down the sidewalk into the evening’s darkness, a wide gap between them. The perfume of roses engulfed them as they walked past Mrs. Baker’s house; she won prizes for her roses, and her bungalow looked like a tiny raft tossed among the sea of flowers.

Crossing the street, they entered a wide open area of ball fields, with chain-link backstops behind home plate in some, wide soccer goals in others. The grass felt soft underfoot. Manfred resolutely walked away from the ball fields toward the kids’ playground. Carissa raised an eyebrow but continued to walk with him in silence.

They walked past a row of swings, chains jangling when the night breeze stirred. Carissa grabbed one and hurled it on its endless course, back and forth, going nowhere. This time Manfred gave her a look. She laughed. “C’mon, we played on these forever! Never looped all the way around, though, did we?”

He laughed with her, and some of the tension between them eased. When they walked on, their steps were synchronized, shoulders almost touching. The silence felt comfortable, not threatening. Manfred led them away from the swings, past the sandbox, and halted at the see saws, what his mom used to call teeter totters.

Tipping one down, he straddled it. He jerked his head at the other side, and Carissa walked to the seat on that end. She pulled it down until she could also straddle it, with the long, graffiti-scored board horizontal between them. They were a lot taller than the kids that played on it. Still, Carissa sat down and, as her seat sank to the ground, Manfred rose into the air. She saw his teeth shine as he grinned, then she pushed up with her legs and he sank down into the soft dust.

They sawed up and down in silence for a few minutes, then Manfred stopped when he was on the ground. Instead of pushing up with his legs, he stretched them out in front of him, crossing them. Carissa looked at him, cocking her head.

“We need to talk, and there’s never any good time to do it. There’s always somebody around, or if we’re at my house, one of my siblings is always poking her nose in, spying on us. Ugh.” He paused, not sure how to proceed.

“So what are we talking about?” Carissa was always blunt and to the point.

Manfred took a deep breath. “I’ve got some news for you. I heard back from the University of Columbia… They accepted me. Even threw in the scholarship I need, got a whole financial aid package set up for me.”

“Manfred, that’s fantastic! Congratulations!” In the darkness, it was hard to see the trembling of her lower lip. She made herself sound enthusiastic. “It’s what you always wanted, right?”

“Yeah, that’s for sure. If I went to the local college, I’d be stuck here in town. I’d never get away from my family… or my mother. God, just think of it. Less than two months and she won’t be able to nag at me, or make me fill in for my dad and watch my sibs, or take care of the house and yard. I’ll finally have time to live my life.”

Manfred straightened and pulled his legs under him, pushed upward, and Carissa ended up on the ground. She stretched her own legs out.

“So, how’s your mom taking the news? Is she OK with it?” She had her own opinion, but wanted to hear what he thought.

“Um… I haven’t told her yet. I know she’s gonna spaz out about it. But she always harps on me about how important college is, and I’m not asking her to pay for it anyway, so she’ll be proud of that part. I just feel bad for Neil, he’s gonna get stuck with my old jobs, he’s next in line. It sucks for her that Dad died when he did, but why did they have so many kids? It’s nuts.” He shook his head.

Carissa pushed up, and Manfred dropped to the ground.

“Um… Carissa?” He listened to the faint chiming music of the swings.

“Yes?” If a tone of voice could be a country, hers would be Switzerland. Neutral.

“I, I think we should maybe consider what we’re gonna do about this. I’m going to be eleven hours away, I won’t be able to take you out weekends. We won’t even be seeing each other again until I’m home for Christmas break. I’m just not sure about it.”

“About what?” Carissa refused to help him, making him say it first.

“Well, it’s just…” He took a deep breath. “Maybe we should think about seeing other people.” He pushed up with his legs, letting Carissa down.

Her eyes filled with tears. “Is that what you want, Manfred? Are you tired of me?”

“No! I just don’t think a long-distance relationship would be good for us right now, you know? We’ll still be who we are, and we’ll always be friends. But it’s gonna be four years before you see me for any length of time. I don’t know… I don’t think I could be celibate for four years. That’s crazy.”

Carissa sniffed, swallowed, kept silent for a moment. “Yeah, it’s crazy. It’s also… complicated.” She pushed up with a sudden jerky motion.

Manfred crashed to the ground. “What do you mean, ‘complicated?’”

She looked at him, her features solemn. “I understand, I really do. You’re right that it’s crazy for us to wait for each other for so many years. But…” Words failed, and her lip started trembling again.

He pushed up, and she landed on the ground.

“Manfred… I think I’m pregnant. I’m a month late.” She hunched her shoulders as if avoiding a blow.

“What?” His mouth gaped and his eyes bugged out. Dangling in mid-air, he looked like nothing so much as an overgrown kid, shocked and afraid. “God, how could this happen? We always use a condom, always. We’re careful.”

She shrugged. “They’re not foolproof.” Then she pushed up in the air, dropping Manfred down.

He was still at a loss. His ears rang. One thing he would not do was ask if it was his — he trusted her. Sighing, he asked, “What’s gonna happen?”

Carissa shrugged. “I haven’t peed on a stick yet. I need to do that, get a home pregnancy test or maybe two. But, knowing for sure… that scares me. I’ve been trying to ignore the situation, but a baby isn’t something you can ignore.”

He pushed up. “Yeah, you need to do that right away. But if you are… If you are, what do we do then?”

Carissa looked up at him. “Thanks for saying ‘we,’ it means a lot. And the truth is, I just don’t know what to do. I want kids someday, but now? I’m going into my senior year of high school. There’s no way I’m ready to be a mom. Besides, my dad will absolutely kill me. He’s still convinced I’m his innocent little girl.” She rolled her eyes, then pushed up, thumping Manfred down.

He winced, not at the abrupt landing so much as at her news. “So, what next? Are you talking about abortion? Adoption? What?”

“What do you think about those options, Manfred? I’ve been thinking on them for a month. Now it’s your turn.”

He opened his mouth, closed it. Cocking his head, he spoke. “You’re right, I haven’t had to think about those options. I’m still blown away by the idea that you might have a little Manfred in your belly right now.”

Carissa shook her head. “No. Don’t name it. That’s all it is right now, a teeny blob of cells. An ‘it.’”

Manfred pushed away from the ground furiously. “But that’s ignoring what that clump of cells is growing into. It’s not an ‘it,’ it’s a future person. A person that’s part me and part you.”

“Yeah, but who’s the one who carries the risk and the fetus? Whose life gets ruined? I can’t afford to have a baby. I can’t even afford college, and my grades aren’t as good as yours. I don’t think there are too many scholarships out there with my name on them. My goal was to get a job and save up for a few years, then go to college. My dad’s cool with the plan, he doesn’t mind my living with him to save on rent and stuff.”

“Why do you say your life gets ruined? You know I’d support you, and the baby.”

“Manfred, you can’t do that. You’d be giving up your opportunity for a better life. Your scholarship won’t wait forever. And besides, you’ve been responsible for others your whole life. Don’t you want to only be responsible for yourself, for once?”

He shook his head, and she pushed up with a slow movement, so he drifted down to the ground.

“Yeah, you’re right, I’ll lose out on college. That’s… really intense. I don’t know what to say about that. That’s been my dream since I was in grade school, remember?”

“I remember, and I don’t want you to lose that dream. If I have this baby, your dream will die.” Carissa thought about it. “Jeez, it’s like Harry Potter and Voldemort, isn’t it? Either way, something dies.”

Manfred had a thought. “You mentioned adoption, right? Is that something you might consider?”

Carissa looked at him. “Could you give away your own baby, after birthing it? Would you hand over Manfred Junior? I don’t think I could carry a baby to term and then give it up. Maybe I’m being selfish, but it would be a part of me, of us.”

Manfred thought about what it would be like, giving away his son. He shivered. “No, I get your point. I don’t think I could give up our baby, either. Damn.” He pushed away from the ground as if trying to get away from reality.

Carissa spoke as she landed. “So it comes down to whether I have an abortion or a baby. If it’s an abortion, I don’t have much time left. And if it’s a baby… well. Life will be a lot different from what we dreamed for. Our futures will be a lot tougher, being teen parents. No scholarships, no college. And without those, jobs pay a lot less. We’ll be struggling, no two ways about it. We can’t live with my dad or your mom, and without jobs we can’t afford anything else. Dang, Manfred, neither of us even owns a car!”

“I’ll support whatever decision you make.”

Carissa talked over him. “No way do you get off the hook! It’s our decision, together. Not just mine.” She pushed up hard, so Manfred thumped down.

“OK, I get it. I’m not trying to skip out on anything. I just… wanted to support you, is all.” He was silent for a minute while he thought. “Yeah. You might be right, I was thinking about it as ‘your’ decision. I guess it made it easier for me, ya know? Man, I wasn’t expecting this.” Manfred sat in the dirt, lost in thought.

Swinging her feet, Carissa gave him time.

Manfred stood up, letting the teeter-totter come to balance, both of them straddling it.

“Let’s get to the drugstore and buy some tests.” They walked off, leaving their childhood behind.